11-24-13 Sermon - Learning to Let Go of Hurt

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LEARNING TO LET GO OF HURT

The Healing Power of Reconciliation

Part 2

11-24-13 Sermon

Last week I began a two-week series on “The Healing Power of Reconciliation.”  “Reconciliation” is simply a big word that means, “to make peace with.”  If I make reconciliation with you, I make peace with you.  If a husband and wife reconcile they make peace with each other.  When two nations reconcile they make peace and stop having war with each other.

The fact is, the world is filled with broken relationships.  You’re going to be hurt in life.  You’ve already been hurt.  You’ve been hurt by what people have said about you, by what people thought about you, by what people have done to you – emotionally, physically, verbally, maybe sexually, financially.  Many people carry deep wounds from hurts in the past.  From a parent or a partner or a peer or a professional.  Somebody in your life who wounded you deeply. 

I want to say to you, as somebody who loves you and cares about you, if you want God’s best in your life you’re going to have to let it go.  You’re going to have to learn how to let go of past hurts.  That is not an easy thing to do.  There’s only one antidote to painful memories.  Forgiveness.  Sorry!  There’s no other option.  Nothing else can set you free from the past except forgiveness.  Offering forgiveness, asking forgiveness, accepting forgiveness.  Nothing else works.  If you want to get on with your life and you want your life to count and you want to be happy in life, you’re going to have to learn to let go of past hurts. 

There’s so much faulty thinking about forgiveness.  Many people say, “I could never forgive,” because they don’t understand what forgiveness is.  They don’t even know what it isn’t.  So let me start with what forgiveness is NOT. 

First, forgiveness is not minimizing the seriousness of an offense. 

If somebody comes to you and asks you to forgive them for something they’ve done to you and you say, “Oh, it was no big deal!  It doesn’t really matter,” and you kind of blow it off, you are actually cheapening forgiveness.  You’re minimizing it.  Minimizing a hurt is not forgiveness.  To say, it’s no big deal – that’s not forgiveness.  If it’s no big deal, it’s not worthy of forgiveness.  But the fact is because you still remember it and it still hurts and it hurts deeply, it is a big deal and **you need to not minimize the hurt.  The answer is forgiveness, not minimization. 

The second thing forgiveness is not is instant restoration of trust. 

We talked about this last week.  Forgiveness and trust are not the same thing.  Forgiveness is instant.  Trust is rebuilt over time.  Forgiveness is by grace, trust is by works. 

What do I mean by that?  When somebody hurts you, you have to forgive them.  You are commanded by God to forgive them.  In just a minute we’re going to talk about the three reasons why you have to do that.  But you don’t have to trust them instantly.  Trust has to be rebuilt over time.  If somebody repeatedly hurts you over and over and over, you have to forgive them over and over and over.  But you do not have to let them keep hurting you.  Does that make sense?  You do not have to trust them.

For instance, let’s say a woman has a husband who is alcoholic and abusive.  Every night he comes home and gets drunk and he beats her up.  She can kick him out of the house.  If he comes back an hour later and says, “I’m so sorry!  Will you forgive me?”  She has to forgive him.  “Will you let me back in the house?”  “No, that’s a different issue.  You’ve got to prove that.  You’ve got to earn it.” 

Trust is built over a long period of time.  It takes a long time to build credibility.  It takes a long time to build trust.  It can be lost in a second.   It takes longer to rebuild it. 

This is why people don’t understand what to do with leaders who fall.  Whether it’s a presidential leader, a political leader, or a business leader, or a religious leader or an academic leader or any kind of leader who stumbles.  Maybe they have a moral failure or something like that.  Oftentimes you’ll hear people say, “We just need to forgive them and let them go on.” 

Forgive, yes.  Let them go on, no.  They have lost trust. 

Trust is what leaders base their leadership on.  If you don’t have trust, you’re not a leader.  If you don’t have trust, it doesn’t matter if you’ve got a title, you’re not the leader.  That credibility can be lost instantly and has to be rebuilt.  There has to be a period of restoration.  You don’t just automatically put leaders back in the position once you forgive them.  Does that make sense?  You have to learn to rebuild trust.  They must be proven worthy of that. 

So forgiveness is not minimizing an offense and forgiveness is not the same thing as trusting a person and saying, “You can just keep on hurting me.” 

The third thing-- forgiveness is not resuming the relationship without any changes. 

A lot of people are afraid to forgive because they think that means- I’ve got to go back to that old dysfunctional, hurting, unhealthy relationship.  No.  That’s not what forgiveness is at all.

Forgiveness is not the same thing as reuniting a relationship.  They’re very different.  For a relationship to be completely reunited, to be completely reconciled, the offender has to do three things: repentance, restitution, and rebuilding of trust.  When a relationship is broken over a betrayal or something like that, the offender has to do three thing.  They have to demonstrate genuine repentance.  They have to make restitution where possible.  And they have to regain your trust by proving that they’ve changed over time.  That’s what they have to do to rebuild the relationship. 

I’m not talking about that today.  I’m talking about your role.  Your role when you’ve been hurt is forgiveness.  Your role is totally independent of whether they ever ask for it or not, or whether they deserve it or not.  They don’t deserve it.  You don’t do it for their benefit.  You actually do forgiveness for your benefit.  I’ll explain that in a minute.  Forgiveness is what you do instantly regardless of their response to the hurt. 

So today I want us to look at three questions. One, why should I let go of my hurt?  Two, where do I find the power to let go?  Because you don’t have the power in yourself.  Three, how do I do it?  How do I let go of those who hurt me?

The first point, Why should I let go of my hurt?  There are three reasons.  These three reasons are all explained by Jesus in Matthew where He tells the story of the unforgiving servant.  Today we don’t have time to get into that parable but it teaches these three truths and there are three reasons you have to forgive people who hurt you

         1.  Because God has forgiven me.  That’s the first reason and that’s the number one reason.  Because God has forgiven me. 

The fact is you will never have to forgive anybody more than God has already forgiven you.  God forgives you completely.  God forgives you unconditionally.  God forgives you constantly.  God forgives you persistently.  God forgives you even when you don’t even know you’re blowing it, He forgives you and He wipes it out when you put your trust in Jesus Christ.  God just wipes it all out.  You will never have to forgive anybody more than God has forgiven you. 

The Bible says this in Ephesians 4:32 “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you.”  The number one reason you have a hard time letting go is because you don’t feel forgiven.  If you really experience the forgiveness of God, once you understand how much, how totally, how completely and how greatly God has forgiven you, you’re just going to be a whole lot more forgiving of other people.  When you feel forgiven you start forgiving other people.  Until you accept the forgiveness of Jesus Christ, you’re going to have a hard time letting other people off the hook.

There are three reasons I have to forgive other people – first, God has forgiven me.  The second reason is…

         2.  Because Resentment doesn’t work.

It’s self-defeating.  In fact, it’s self-destructive.  Resentment always hurts you more than it does the person you’re resenting.  It always causes you more pain than it does the person you’re upset about.  It just doesn’t work.

In the Bible, there was a guy named Job who lost everything in a single day.  Terrorists came in, killed all his kids, stole all of his cattle, ruined his crops and on top of that he got a terrible disease.  Everything went wrong.  If anybody had a right to be bitter about the circumstances of life, Job did.  But he didn’t get resentful.  And he didn’t get bitter because he knew that resentment doesn’t work.

Three verses to look at from the book of Job. 

Job 5:2 “To worry yourself to death with resentment would be a foolish, senseless thing to do.”  Circle “foolish.”  Underneath that verse write, “It’s unreasonable.” 

Resentment is unreasonable.  In other words it’s illogical, it’s irrational, it doesn’t make sense, it’s unreasonable, it’s ridiculous, it’s foolish. 

Whenever you get resentful you immediately lose fifty IQ points.  Something about anger, something about resentment.  When you start seeking revenge you’re going to get dumber not smarter.  You’re going to start doing things that are really stupid in trying to get revenge – things that you would never do if you were rational and logical. 

Resentment is unreasonable.  It always makes us look foolish. 

Resentment does not hurt the other person.  It hurts you.  When you’re sitting around and you’re so upset about somebody who did something to you ten years ago or fifteen years ago or fifteen months ago, and you’re going to lunch and you’re stewing and spewing about it, they’re not even thinking about it.  They’ve gone on with their life.  You’re not hurting them with your grudges.  You’re just hurting yourself.  It is unreasonable. 

It’s not only unreasonable, it’s unhelpful.  That’s the second thing.

Job 18:4 “You are only hurting yourself with your anger.”  Write underneath that “It’s unhelpful.” 

It always hurts you more than it hurts the person you’re upset at.  You’re miserable.  The most unhappy people are bitter people.   They’ve ruined their life because they’ve refused to let it go.  They hold on to a hurt.  That’s not only unhelpful it’s unreasonable and it makes them unhappy. 

The third verse, the Bible says “Some men stay healthy until the day they die...  others have no happiness at all;  they live and they die with bitter hearts.”  Write underneath that “It’s unhealthy.” 

Research has shown that the most unhealthy emotion known to human beings is bitterness, resentment.  That is the most unhealthy emotion.  When you hold it in your heart, it’s like taking cancer in your heart.  It’s like taking fire into your chest. 

Doctors tell us that fifty to seventy-five percent of all the people in the hospitals right now could go home today if they knew how to get rid of guilt and resentment because that is the source behind their pain.  Either guilt – things I feel guilty about for doing to others.  Or resentment – what other people have done to me.  If you don’t talk it out to God you’re going to take it out on your body.  When you swallow your anger, your stomach keeps score.  Why?  It’s the stress and the tension you’re carrying from unresolved anger.  That unresolved anger is stressing you out and taking itself out on your body. 

I know that so many people are really careful about eating healthy and that’s a good thing.  But in the bottom analysis it’s not what you eat that matters as much as what eats you.  When you have resentment in your heart it is eating you alive and you’ve got to let it go.  You’ve got to let it go!  Nothing depletes emotional energy faster.  Nothing depletes emotional energy faster.  It just prolongs your hurt. 

There’s a third reason why you’re got to let it go.  First, God has forgiven me.  Second, resentment doesn’t work, it only makes me miserable. 

3.  Because I will need more forgiveness in the future.

Forgiveness is a two way street.  Jesus said this in Matthew 6 immediately after he gives us what we call The Lord’s Prayer.  Jesus goes back and highlights one part of the prayer where we pray Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us.  He highlights that part and says:  “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”  Whoa!  He says we cannot expect to receive what we are unwilling to give.  God says you cut other people some slack and God will cut you some slack.  You’re unforgiving and you’re resentful and you hold on to your hurt, God says you’ll be unforgiven yourself. 

When you pray the Lord’s Prayer and we pray “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us,” do you realize what you’re saying when you pray that prayer?  You’re saying, “God, I want You to forgive me as much as I forgive everybody else.”  Whoa!  Do you really want to pray that prayer?  “Lord, I want You to forgive me as much as I forgive everybody else.”  That’s the standard God says.  He says you’re going to need more forgiveness in the future so you don’t want to burn the bridge that you’ve got to walk across to get into heaven.  The bridge of forgiveness. 

One time a man came to John Wesley, the founder of our Methodist church.  He was telling him about this guy who had really hurt him.  Wesley said, “You’ve got to forgive him.”  And the man said, “I could never forgive that man.”  And Wesley said, “Then I hope you never sin.” 

We cannot receive what we’re unwilling to give.  Don’t burn the bridge that you have to have in order to walk over into heaven. 

This is the principle of learning to forgive.  Learning that God says I will forgive you when you forgive other people.  And if you don’t forgive others you will not be shown mercy. 

You say, “Pastor Frank, I just can’t do it.  It hurts too much.  I can’t forgive them.”  And you know what?  You’re right.  You can’t.  Where do you get the power to let it go?  You don’t have enough love in your heart to let go of all the hurt you’re going to experience in life.  You can’t humanly manufacture enough forgiveness to handle all the times you’re going to be misused or abused or hurt in life.  You’ve got to have a bigger source.  An unlimited source of forgiveness.  That’s why you need Jesus Christ. 

No country has had to learn the necessity of reconciliation more than the nation of Rwanda, that little African country.  In 1994, the majority of that country began to systematically exterminate, murder, rape and kill and mutilate the minority.  Over a period of one hundred days it was the worst genocide in history.  Over one million people were raped, hacked up with machetes, beaten with clubs and murdered by their own citizens.  Their own people living right next door to them out of tribal warfare.  It was a disaster area. 

But today, if you were to visit Rwanda you would find a country that is now the most peaceful and the most stable country in Africa.  Bar none!  There are no walls.  There are no barriers.  There’s no barbed wire between tribes.  In fact, tribal identification is officially forbidden.  They’re just all Rwandans.  You have families who were perpetrators living next to the survivors of twenty or thirty members which the perpetrators killed.  Yet they’re living next to each other, side by side, in harmony and in peace.  It is a miracle of reconciliation.  There’s no place like it in the world.  It is a miracle of God’s power, healing power of reconciliation. 

Where do you get the power?  The second letter of Peter, chapter one, “As we know Jesus better, His divine power gives us everything we need for living a godly life.  He has called us to receive His own glory and goodness!  And by that same mighty power, He has given us all of His rich and wonderful promises.  He has promised that you will escape the decadence all around you caused by evil desires and that you will share in His divine nature.  So make every effort to apply the benefits of these promises to your life.  Then your faith will produce a life of moral excellence.  A life of moral excellence leads to knowing God better.  Knowing God leads to self-control.  Self-control leads to patient endurance, and patient endurance leads to godliness.  Godliness leads to love for other Christians, and finally you will grow to have genuine love for everyone.  The more you grow like this, the more you will become productive and useful in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.”        

You’re not going to have to face the ghastly issues of forgiveness that the Rwandans had.  But you’ve been hurt.  You’ve been hurt and some of you have been hurt deeply.  I’m sorry.  God wept when you were hurt.  But you’ve got to let it go.  You’ve got to let it go.

Paul says, “Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification.”                  Rom. 14:19 (NIV)

How?  How do I let go of the people who’ve hurt me?

These are the three steps.  This is how you let go of those who’ve hurt you. 

1.  I relinquish my right to get even.

That’s the first step.  This is the heart of forgiveness.  You let them off the hook.  You say, “Let them go Scott free?  That’s not fair!”  Who said forgiveness is fair?  Was it fair for God to forgive you?  Don’t you deserve to be punished for all the things you’ve done wrong?  Yes.  God doesn’t give you what you deserve.  He gives you what you need.  Who said forgiveness is fair?  It’s not fair.  It’s an act of grace.  You let God settle the score.

The Bible says God is a God of justice.  One day He is going to settle the score.  Leave it up to Him.  In the meantime you go ahead and let God fill your heart with peace and grace. 

The Bible says “Never avenge yourselves [in other words don’t ever get revenge] leave that to God,  for He has said that He will repay those who deserve it.”  God is a just God.  He says you don’t take it into your own hands.  He says relinquish it.  Relinquish my right to get even. 

How often do I have to do this?  How often do I have to forgive them?  As long as the feelings of revenge keep coming back, you’ve got to let it go again.  You’re going to have to let it go over and over. 

In fact, notice the next verse: “Peter asked Jesus, ‘Lord how often should I forgive somebody who sins against me?  Seven times?’  [He thinks he’s being really magnanimous. The rabbis of Jesus’ day said 3 times would be sufficient.]  ‘No,’ Jesus replied.  ‘How about seventy times seven!’”  In other words, how about four hundred ninety times?  He was saying, you don’t count.  You just keep letting it go.  Forgiveness is continual.  It’s never a one shot deal.  If it really hurt it’s got to be repeated over and over. 

Here’s how it works.  Every time you remember how you’ve been hurt, you got to release it.  You remember it… you release it.  You remember it… you release it.  You remember it… you release it.  It’s not a one time shot.  Because it’s going to keep coming back to hurt you.  Every time you remember it, you release it. 

How do you know when you’ve totally released it?  It doesn’t hurt any more.  You might have to do it a thousand times in your mind.  They bring that memory back and you say, “God, I give it to You again.  For the one hundredth time, Lord, I’m letting them off the hook.  I relinquish my right to get even.  I’m letting him go.  I’m forgiving them in my mind.”  Every time you rehearse it, you make it deeper.  But every time you release it, it gets weaker in your life.  I relinquish my right to get even.  As many times as I need to until it doesn’t hurt any more. 

2.  Refocus on God’s purpose for my life.

Refocusing not on the pain but on God’s purpose for your life.  He said it this way: Don’t focus on the hurt, focus on the hope.  Don’t focus on the pain, focus on the purpose.  Don’t focus on the violator, focus on the victory.  Focus on the future.

Why is this important?  Because as long as you focus on a person who’s hurt you, they control you.  You don’t want anybody who’s hurt you in the past to control you in the present.  But as long as you keep focusing on them you’re letting them to continue to hurt you.  Whatever you focus on controls you.

You don’t want other people controlling your life.  You want God controlling your life.  So whatever you focus on will end up controlling you.  You’ve got to let it go.  You stop focusing on the pain, “I’m letting them off the hook, Lord.  I’m going to focus on Your purpose for my life.” 

Why is this so important?  You’re not going to like this but it’s true.  If you don’t release them you will start to resemble them.  Whatever you focus on you’re going to become.  If you don’t release them, you will start to resemble them.  “I’m never going to become like my mother!”  Oh yeah?  “I’m never going to be like my dad!”  Oh yeah?  Whatever you focus on in life you move toward.  If you focus on pain, that’s what you move toward.  If you focus on purpose, that’s what you move toward.  Change your focus. 

The more you focus on that person who hurt you, you’re keeping the bridge between you and them and that bitterness is coming right across and it’s going to infect you.  You will become the very thing you despise.  You’ve got to let it go.  If you don’t release them, you begin to resemble them.

You refocus on God’s purpose for your life. 

There are three steps on focusing for God’s purpose for your life.  The three steps are in this next verse from Job.  “Put your heart right.  [That’s the first thing.]  Reach out to God.  [That’s the second thing.]  Then face the world again, firm and courageous.  Then all your troubles will fade from your memory, like floods that are past and remembered no more.”  Notice the three things he says to do. 

First, put your heart right.  What does that mean?  Do the right thing.  What’s the right thing?  Forgive them.  Let them off the hook.  Release them, forgive them.  You say, “I don’t feel like it!”  Do it anyway.  Why?  We just said it.  Because God’s forgiven me.  Because resentment doesn’t work.  Because I’m going to need more forgiveness in the future. 

Second it says you reach out to God.  Have you done that?  Have you asked Jesus Christ to come into your life and fill you with His love?  You need to reach out to God and say, “Jesus Christ, I need You to fill me with Your love.” 

You can’t manufacture enough forgiveness on your own terms to forgive all the people who are going to hurt you in life.  You don’t have it in you.  You don’t have the power.  The power comes from God.  He has an unlimited supply of love and forgiveness in Him to handle all the hurts you go through.  You’ve got to let Him fill your heart with love on a daily basis. 

Then he says, Face the world again.  That means don’t withdraw.  Don’t put yourself in a shell.  Resume living!  You can’t love without being vulnerable.  A loveless life is no life at all.  You’re just existing.  You may as well die.  Don’t pull yourself in a shell.  One of the things that happens when Jesus Christ comes into your life is you now have the power to say, “I am not a victim any more.  I am not a victim.  I am a victor in Christ.  I have the power to respond the way I want to.  I’m not going to let anyone else control my life.  They don’t control and manipulate my emotions any more.  Because He who is in me is greater than he who is in the world.” 

When you do these three steps – put your heart right – do the right thing; reach out to God – Christ come into my life; and face the world again – don’t pull yourself into a shell, notice the results.  He says, “Then all your troubles will fade from your memory.”  Wouldn’t you like that?  Wouldn’t you like to have all those painful memories erased out of your mind? 

How can you tell when you’ve fully released somebody?  You can think about them and it doesn’t hurt anymore.  And here’s the real test: you can pray for God to bless them.  When you can pray for God to bless somebody who’s hurt you, it now means you’re in control, not them.  When you can pray for God to bless somebody who’s hurt you it means they’re not controlling you, you’re not reacting any more.  You’re in control.  You’re calling the shots.  You can pray for God to bless them.

That’s why Jesus said this “Do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you and pray for those who mistreat you.”  Getting even with the person puts you on the same level as them.  You’re no better when you get even.  Forgiving and doing good puts you on a higher plain than your enemy.  It all depends on where you want to be. 

I relinquish my right to get even.  I refocus on God’s purpose for my life.  And here’s the third key…

3.  I respond to the evil with good.

I respond to the evil in my life with good.  Romans 12:21 “Don’t be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”  You’re going to need that verse this week.  With the clerk who’s a jerk.  There’s a lot of evil in this world.  The way you overcome evil is not by criticizing it. 

We are not a culture war church.  We do not spend any time in this church criticizing what the world does.  We don’t expect unbelievers to act like believers u until they are.  You don’t change the world by criticizing it.  You overcome evil with good.    That’s how you overcome evil in the world.  That’s what Jesus said. 

If overcoming evil is done by doing good, the question is what good are you doing?  Are you doing anything in the world for good or is it all about you? 

The church is the distribution center for the world.  Not the mosque, not the synagogue, not the Hindu shrine or Buddhist temple, not the Kingdom Hall, not the Mormon tabernacle, but the church.  None of those other entities do this.  The church does.  The UMC is one of the key organizations fighting malaria in the world today.  When we send in our apportionment money to the conference these are some of the things that the apportionment money goes to.  UMCOR in natural disasters at home and abroad.

Shores of Grace—fighting sex trafficking.  Getting prostitutes off the streets.  Winning people for Jesus Christ.  Joy in the Harvest—feeding hundreds of hungry people each week.  Joelton Hope Center.

Prayer:

What good am I doing in the world?

      I don’t know who you need to forgive today, who you need to let go of.  But I would challenge you to pray this prayer in your heart.  “Dear God, I’ve had a really hard time letting go of those people who’ve hurt me.  I don’t want to let them go.  I don’t want to forgive them.  But I know that my resentment is only hurting me.  It’s unreasonable and unhelpful and unhealthy.  I don’t want to go another day of carrying this hurt and hate in my heart.  I want to let it go.  Thank You for all the times You’ve forgiven me even when I didn’t ask for it.  I know that I need to do that with…” and you fill in the name.  Name the person you need to let go.  “Thank You, Lord.  Do I need to let this person go?  So today, I’m reaching out to You, Jesus Christ.  I’m asking You to come into my life and fill me with Your love and mercy and grace.  I’m asking You to forgive me so I can feel forgiven and can forgive others.  I want to forgive those who’ve hurt me so I can stop letting them control me.  Today, I give up my right to get even.  Please replace my hurt with Your peace, Lord.  Jesus, I know I’ve hurt others.  So help me make a list of those people I’ve harmed and in the right way at the right time to humbly seek to make amends.  I want to be a peace ambassador.  I want to be an agent of reconciliation in our world.  I want to help overcome the evil of the world not by criticizing it but by doing good.” 

11-17-13 Sermon

To listen to today's sermon, click here.

HOW TO RECONCILE A RELATIONSHIP

The Healing Power of Reconciliation

Part 1

11-17-13 Sermon

“Those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of goodness.”  James 3:18 (NLT)

THE CAUSE OF CONFLICT: _________________________________

      “What leads to strife, discord and feud, and how do conflicts, quarrels and fighting originate among you?  They arise from your own selfish and sinful desires that are always at war inside you.  You are jealous and covet what others have...  You burn with envy and anger and aren’t able to obtain the gratification you seek, so you fight and war.  You don’t have because you don’t ask God.”  James 4:1-2 (Amp)

“For the sinful nature is always hostile to God.  It never did obey God’s laws, and it never will.”  Romans 8:7 (NLT)

THE CURE: ______________________

1.            Make Peace____________________________________­­___________

“At one time you were far away from God and were His enemies because of the evil things you did and thought.  But now, by means of the death of His Son, God has made you His friends, in order to bring you, holy, pure, and faultless, into His presence.” 

Col. 1:21-22 (GN)

      “Everyone who believes in Jesus is freed from all guilt and declared right with God —something the Law of Moses could never do.”  Acts 13:39 (NLT)

              

            2.            Ask God for Help____________­­____________________________________

“If you want to know what God wants you to do, ask Him, and He will gladly tell you.” James 1:5 (LB)

            3.            Convene a______________________­­__________________________

      “If you’re standing before the altar in the Temple, giving an offering to God, and you suddenly remember someone has something against you leave your offering there beside the altar.  Go first and be reconciled to that person.  Then come and offer your gift to God.”

      Matt. 5:23-24 (NLT)

           

            4.            Confess my part________________________________­­_______________

      “Why do you notice the little piece of dust in your friend’s eye, but you don’t notice the big piece of wood in your own eye?  First, take the wood out of your own eye.  Then you will see clearly to take the dust out of your friend’s eye.”  Matt. 7:3,5 (NCV)

5.            Listen for___________________________________­­____________

“Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.”   James 1:19 (NLT)

“...we must bear the ‘burden’ of being considerate of the doubts and fears of others...”                          Rom. 15:2 (LB)

            6.              Be willing to___________________________________­­____________

“When we were unable to help ourselves, at the moment of our need, Christ died for us, although we were living against God.”     Rom. 5:6 (NCV)

             “We were God’s enemies, but we were reconciled to Him through the death of His Son.”            Rom. 5:10 (NIV)

            7.              Emphasize__________­­_____________________________________

                                               

                                    Reconciliation = _____________________________________

                                               

                                    Resolution = ________________________________________

God’S GOAL FOR HIS CHURCH

      “God has restored our relationship with Him through Christ, and has given us the ministry of restoring relationships.  He did not hold people’s faults against them, and He has given us this message of restored relationships to tell others.  We are Christ’s representatives...We beg you on behalf of Christ to become reunited with God.”  2 Cor.  5:18-20 (GW)

             “God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called             the children of God.”                                    Matt. 5:9 (NLT)

WHO DO I NEED TO RECONCILE WITH?

HOW TO RECONCILE A RELATIONSHIP

The Healing Power of Reconciliation

Part 1

11-17-13 Sermon

The Bible says in James 3:18 “Those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace.  They will reap a harvest of goodness.”  That’s what I want to happen in your life.  As your pastor, I want your life to harvest a harvest of goodness.  But in order to harvest something you’ve got to plant it first.  The Bible says peacemakers plant seeds of peace. 

This week we’re starting a new series I’m calling “The Healing Power of Reconciliation.”  We’re specifically going to look at today “How do you reconcile a broken relationship?” 

“Reconciliation” is just a long word for “making peace.”  When I reconcile to God I make peace with God.  When I reconcile with you I make peace with you.  When nations reconcile with each other they make peace with each other.  That’s all it means.  Making peace.

This week in the news you could have read about conflicts all around the world.  And, you could have also read about conflicts here in America. 

In the last 3500 years on planet earth there have been only 286 years of peace between nations.  Out of thirty five hundred years of recorded history, two hundred eighty-six years of peace between nations!  We live in a broken, divided, fragmented world that desperately needs to learn the skills of reconciliation, the skills of making peace.

This morning as we begin this series, I want to look at what causes conflict and what is the cure?

When we look at the cause of conflict you don’t have to go very far in the Bible and it tells us that there are two causes of all conflicts.  Between you and your spouse, between you and your kids or your parents or your coworkers, between other people.  All conflict boils down to two words – selfishness and sinfulness.

The Bible says we live on a broken planet because of sin.  The Bible tells us “All have sinned.”  That means me and it means you, it means the pope, it means everybody.  Nobody bats a thousand.  Nobody’s perfect.  The Bible says, “All fall short.”  We all fall short of that level of perfection.  All have sinned. 

In the Amplified version of James 4:1-2 tells us real clearly: “What leads to strife and discord and feuds?  How do conflicts and quarrels and fighting originate among you?  They arise from your own selfish and sinful desires [circle that] that have always been at war inside of you.  [In other words there’s a war in you before there’s a war in the world.] You’re jealous and you covet what others have.  You burn with envy and anger and you aren’t able to obtain the gratification you seek.  So you fight and you war and you do not have because you don’t ask God.”

If you don’t get anything else I say today I want you to get this first point clearly.  It’s this: conflict often occurs between you and somebody else because you expect them to meet a need in your life that only God can meet.  When you expect other people to meet needs in your life, you expect your husband to meet certain needs in your life or your wife to meet certain needs or your girlfriend or boyfriend or your mom or dad or somebody – a client – to meet needs in your life that only God can meet, you’re going to get disappointed.  You’re going to get discouraged.  You’re going to get bitter.  The Bible says it is when we have unmet needs in our heart it is our own selfishness and sinfulness that causes us to get angry about it.

Really all of the problems that are out there in the world start on the inside of us.  It’s because there’s chaos in our own hearts, there’s chaos in the world.  It’s because there’s conflict in our own heart between good and evil, right and wrong, who’s going to be God, me or God?  Because there’s conflict in our hearts, there’s conflict in relationships.  Because there’s division in my heart, there’s going to be division in the world.  God says you’ve got to start on the inside before you can work on the outside.  Until people’s hearts are changed we’re never going to have peace on earth. 

So the cause of conflict is selfishness and sinfulness.  The cure for conflict is reconciliation.  As I said, “reconciliation” is just a big word that means, “making peace.”  It’s taking former enemies and turning them into friends. 

How do you do that?  There are seven important steps.  Notice I didn’t say “easy steps,” because they are not easy.  This may be a very tough message for you to hear today.  Reconciliation – restoring a relationship – is never easy.  Why do it? 

Let me give you a statement: it is always more rewarding to restore a relationship than it is to resent it the rest of your life.  It is always more rewarding to restore a relationship.  That doesn’t mean you’re getting back together with somebody you divorced ten years ago.  I’m not saying that.  But I am saying restoring a relationship is better than to resent it the rest of your life.  If you don’t have reconciliation, every time you think of that relationship, it’s going to poke you with pain the rest of your life.  That’d dumb.  You can go through life having people who will poke you with pain every time you just think about them.  Stuff that happened ten twenty, longer years ago.  Every time you think about them it pokes you with pain.  You’ve got to learn how to let it go.  So you can get on with your life.  You let it go through the steps of reconciliation. 

There are seven skills you’re going to have to learn.  Unfortunately nobody teaches us this growing up.  Nobody teaches us how to restore relationships.  But God’s word is real clear about it. 

1.  Make peace with God.

First, You need to end your war with God over who’s going to be in charge of your life.  You need to surrender to Him before you’re able to do any relationship restoring with other people.  You make your peace with God. 

The only way you’re going to make peace with God is surrender.  You were made to live with Him as the manager, as the controller, as the CEO, as the president, as the chairman of the board of your life.  You were made to be in contact with Him.  All that other stress in your life comes because of the war with God.  Where you keep going, “God, I’m going to do what I want to do, instead of what You want me to do.” 

How do you make peace with God?  The Bible says this, Colossians 1:21-22 “At one time you were far away from God and were His enemies because of the evil things you did and you thought.  But now, by means of the death of His Son, God has made you His friends in order to bring you holy, pure and faultless into His presence.”  He’s talking about taking you into heaven. 

The Bible says that whatever Jesus Christ did on the cross allows God to take me to heaven.  How do we get that?  It says through faith.  Not by doing good.  Not by trying to be nice.  Not by being perfect but just by trusting faith in what Jesus Christ has done for us.  He made us at peace with God. 

How do I make peace with God?  There’s only one way – by faith.  “Everyone who believes in Jesus is freed from all guilt and declared right with God.  Something the law of Moses could never do.” 

He says keeping the Ten Commandments and obeying rules can’t get you into heaven.  Why?  In the first place you couldn’t even name all ten of them.  So how can you keep them if you can’t even name them. 

In the second place you started breaking them a long time ago.  And the Bible says if you’ve done it in your heart it’s just like you’ve done it.  But the bottom line is this.  You couldn’t keep them perfectly.  Nobody bats a thousand. 

The good news is this, in making peace with God, everything you need to make peace with God has already been done for you.  All you need to do is surrender and accept it by faith.  That’s it.  God You’re it.  I trust You.  I trust Your Son.  I’m going to follow You.

First make peace with God yourself.  Second…

2.  Ask God for help with the broken relationship.

You pray about it.  You always talk to God before you talk to the person you’ve got the conflict with.  You talk to God first.  That’s usually the last thing we do.  What we do is we talk to everybody else and we try to get everybody on our side about how much that person’s hurt you and how wrong they are and everything like that.  God says No, that’s gossip.  You don’t talk to other people about the person.  You talk to Me about the person.  Then after you talk to Me about the person, then you go talk to them. 

This is so important.  There are two kinds of reactions to conflict.  You’re either a skunk or you’re a turtle.  Skunks when they face conflict, they just stink up the place.  They let ‘er rip.  They spew all over.  Everybody knows when a skunk’s upset.  On the other hand turtles, when they face conflict, they pull back into a shell.  They hibernate and they run from the conflict. 

The fact is it doesn’t matter whether you clam up or whether you blow up.  You’re both wrong.  Neither of those are the appropriate way to handle conflict or anger. 

James 1:5 “If you want to know what God wants you to do, ask Him, and He will gladly tell you.”  There are two questions you want to ask God before you go to talk to the person you’ve got a conflict with. 

         One, the first question you want to ask is how much of it is my fault?  Is there any of it.  Maybe just one percent.  Maybe a half of a percent.  God says I want you to own up to your part.   An honest checkup on my part of the problem, a frank evaluation.  Am I seeing this thing correctly?  Typically there’s blame on both sides. 

         The second question is what do You want me to do about it?  You ask God what do You want me to do about my part in this problem, this conflict. 

Once you’ve made peace with God, and once you’ve asked God for help, now you come to step three…

3.  Convene a peace conference.

You convene a peace conference.  A sit down, face to face meeting.  This often will take more than one meeting.  Why?  Because conflict is seldom resolved accidentally.  It just doesn’t happen to resolve on its own.  Conflict is resolved when you intentionally resolve it.  When you intentionally work on it. 

People say, “Time heals everything.”  No it doesn’t!  Time heals nothing.  Actually time makes things worse.  If you have cancer, time makes it worse.  If you have diabetes, time makes it worse.  If you are resentful of somebody, time makes it worse.  If you could heal just by time, you’d never have to see a doctor.  You could just sit in the waiting room.  We could change the name from the waiting room to the healing room and the doctor would say, “Has she got well yet?   No?  We’ll let her sit out there another five hours.  Because time heals everything.”  Time heals nothing.  The only way to resolve conflict is to face it. 

So you say, “Ok, fine.  Convene a peace conference.  When they come to me then I will face it.”  No.  That’s not it.  God says I expect you to take the first step.  I expect you to take the initiative.  I expect you to be the peacemaker.  You make the first move.  It’s always my move.  It doesn’t matter if I was the offended one or if I am the offender.  It doesn’t matter if I am the victim or I am the one who caused the pain, the problem.  God says it’s always your move.  You make the first move.  That’s called being a peacemaker. 

God gets very specific about this.  Matthew 5 Jesus says this, “If you’re standing before the altar in the temple, [in other words, you’re worshipping] and you’re giving an offering to God, and you suddenly remember someone has something against you, leave your offering there beside the altar. Go first and be reconciled [take the initiative] to that person. Then come back and offer your gift to God.”  What’s He saying?  He’s saying reconciliation takes priority over worship.  When you’ve got something wrong with somebody else, don’t worry about coming to worship.  You go get that right first.  He says worship is worthless if your relationships are messed up.  Go get it right.  Then come back and worship God. 

It says here, “Go first and make that thing right.”  Once you’ve decided to have a peace conference, you’ve asked for God’s strength, you’ve made the step, you’re actually together – you’re having this peace conference.  What’s the first thing you do when you’ve finally gotten together for this peace conference? 

4.  Confess my part of the conflict. 

Instead of starting by accusing.  We always want to start by rehearsing the past, going all over the past and talking about all the details, or you start by attacking or start by blaming. 

You don’t start with any of those things.  Instead you start with humility.  Even if it’s ninety percent their fault, you confess the ten percent that’s your fault.  Even if it’s ninety-nine point nine percent their fault.  You confess the point one percent that’s your fault.

The truth is none of us are perfect.  So in any conflict there’s always two people involved and because none of us are perfect we’ve always got something we can say, Here’s what I did.  Here’s where I had a problem.

All of us have blind spots.  We often don’t see ways that we are actually making the conflict even more deep.  Jesus taught us that if I want to resolve a situation with somebody else before I can get to what’s wrong in their life I’ve got to first deal with what’s wrong in my life.

Here’s the picture He gave us.  Jesus said this in Matthew 7 “Why do you notice the little piece of dust in your friend’s eye, but you don’t notice the big piece of wood in your own eye?  First, take the wood out of your own eye.  Then you will see clearly to take the dust out of your friend’s eye.”  First you deal with what’s in your life, what’s in your eye. 

What am I talking about?  It could be things like I’m just being unrealistic and that’s part of what caused this conflict.  I confess to that.  Or I confess that I’ve just been insensitive.  I haven’t been thinking about you.  Or I confess that I’ve been over sensitive in this situation.  I confess that I’ve been ungrateful, I’ve really been ungrateful lately.  And I’m sorry and I know that’s brought us to this point.  I confess that I’ve been too demanding.  Look for what’s in your life and you begin by confessing that first.  The truth is any relationship can work when we confess our part of the conflict. 

There’s this idea out there sometimes that somehow a relationship just can’t work.  In fact, the number one excuse for divorce, the reason people give, “We’re just incompatible.  It just won’t work because we’re just incompatible.” 

That is a total myth.  There’s no such thing as two people being “just incompatible.”  That’s not the problem.  It’s not that we’re just incompatible.  It’s that we’re just stubborn.  It’s that I’m just selfish.  It’s that I’m just self-centered and I’m so focused on myself.  I’m not willing to say here was my part.  Here’s what happened and why it happened.

We say to ourselves “It just wasn’t meant to be.”  The truth of the matter is I just didn’t grow up.  I didn’t grow up enough to say I was selfish in that situation.  I’m unwilling to admit my fault. 

What I’m saying is this: more marriages die because of inflexibility far more than adultery.  So when you’re solving a conflict, when you’ve finally gotten together to meet, the first thing you do is you lead with humility.

You lead with humility.  “I’m sorry.  I was only thinking of myself.”  Just say in the relationship, “I’m sorry.  The reason this happened…”  Try that this week.  Lead with humility and watch how God uses it to begin to resolve the conflict.

The fifth skill you need to learn if you’re going to learn how to restore broken relationships is:

5.  Listen for their hurt.

Don’t listen for the problem, don’t listen for the issue.  Listen for the hurt beneath their complaint, their anger, their issue. 

When people are hurting others it’s because they’re hurting.  Healthy people don’t hurt other people.  Holy people don’t hurt other people.  Happy people don’t hurt other people.  It’s hurt people who hurt others.  Parents who hurt got hurt somehow when they were growing up.  They got warped.  They got a thorn in their side that caused them to pass on to others the hurt that they were feeling.

This is a principle and it doesn’t matter whether you’re talking about marriage or talking about the market place or you’re talking about the Middle East.  When people are hurting they lash out at others.  When people feel devalued.  When people feel nobody shows them any respect.  When people feel that their dignity has been robbed.  When people feel nobody’s listening to them, they get mad. 

Honestly, American foreign policy would be a whole lot better if we’d just treat people with more respect.  People around the world are dying for respect.  It’s the tinhorn dictator from the nothing country who walks around with a chest full of medals.  The President of the United States, the most powerful country in the world, never has to wear a medal to show how important he is.  We know how important he is.  It’s the person who’s trying to build themselves up that has to say, “Watch me!  Watch me!  I’m important!” 

Everybody wants dignity.  When you treat people with dignity the anger just dissipates so quickly whether it’s with nations or with businesses or with churches or with ethnic groups or with your own family.  You treat people with respect.

And what is the greatest way to show people respect?  Listen to them and look them in the eye.  When you look somebody in the eye and you listen to them you’re saying, I value what you have to say.  I’m listening to you.  I’m paying attention.  You matter to me.

This is a principle that if you want to connect with people, it doesn’t matter if you’re a coach or a teacher or salesman or a manager or anything, you always start with the other people’s hurts and needs and interests.  Not your agenda.  In a peace conference, you need to stop and listen beneath the words what they’re saying and you start saying what is the hurt they’re expressing? 

When people get angry at you, you tend to push back.  When people are hurt you tend to be sympathetic.  So look for the hurt in their life. 

James 1:19 tells us how to do this.  “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.”  This verse says God gave us two ears and one mouth.  He wants us to listen twice as much as we speak.  The two words listen and silent use the same letters and you need both of them together to have either one.  What you need to do is try to understand the perspective of other people.  You don’t just look at the situation from your point of view.  You seriously, intentionally switch your focus from my needs, and my agenda and what I want to say back to them to listening for their hurt.  As St. Francis of Assassi said “Seek to understand before seeking to be understood.” 

“...we must bear the ‘burden’ of being considerate of the doubts and fears of others...”           Rom. 15:2 (LB) You need to understand where people are coming from because when you understand where people are coming from you just cut them a lot of slack.  It all comes from understanding.

Number six is the hardest one to do in restoring relationship

6.  Be willing to absorb the pain.

This is a mark of maturity.  Yet it is the most difficult part of reconciliation.  Being willing to absorb the pain. 

Paul Kagame is the President of Rwanda right now.  For years his country suffered genocide of one tribe against another.  Many, many people were killed.  There were many atrocities on all sides. When that happens and a new group comes to power, there is always the temptation to retaliation.  But he did not retaliate, even when his group was victorious and ended the war. 

Kagame said, “If you’re going to bring peace to a country, somebody has to absorb the pain.  Somebody has to say, Enough’s enough.  We have the right to get even and kill you back, but we’re not going to.  Somebody’s got to end it.  So we will end it by absorbing the pain on our side.”

That’s exactly what Jesus Christ did for you and for me.  He absorbed the pain.  When I was thumbing my nose to God and saying, Jesus Christ died on the cross, paid for all my sins.  He absorbed the pain.  He took the initiative.  I didn’t take the initiative to get to know God.  God took the initiative by sending Christ to me – to make peace between me and God. 

“When we were unable to help ourselves at the moment of our need, Christ died for us. Although we were living against God.”  He said “I’ll absorb the pain.  I’ll take the initiative in the reconciliation.”

Romans 5:10 says :“We were God’s enemies, but we were reconciled to Him through the death of His Son.”  He was willing to absorb the pain. 

When you absorb the pain in a relationship, you are being Christlike.  You say, Yes I have a right to get even but I’m going to let you off the hook.  I’m going to let it go.  Here’s the point.  Whatever you want from God, whatever you want God to do in your life you’ve got to do it for others. 

The last step….

7.  Emphasize reconciliation, not resolution.  

There’s a very important difference.  Emphasize reconciliation not resolution.  Reconciliation focuses on the relationship.  Reestablishing the relationship.  Resolution is all about resolving the issues and agreeing on everything. 

You’re going to discover that you’re not always going to agree on everything – in your marriage or anywhere else.  But you can disagree without being disagreeable.  That’s called wisdom.  You can have unity without uniformity.  You can walk hand in hand without seeing eye to eye.  You can have reconciliation of a relationship without having resolution of all of the problems in it.  When you focus on the relationship many times the issues become insignificant. 

Here’s my challenge to you.  In a world that is divided and divisive and polarized and partisanship and people angry against each other and people being rude and uncivil, and broken relationships and broken treaties and a broken world, my challenge to you and I’m going to ask you to do this today, is that you will commit to become an agent of reconciliation in our world.  The world desperately needs that.  Peacemakers.  People who know how to put relationships together, not blow them apart. 

I believe that’s God’s goal for His church.  I believe it’s God’s goal for Forest Grove church.  That this family, this church family will be known as, “That’s the place where they put their lives together and they put their relationships together and then they help everybody else do the same.”  That’s a church full of peacemakers, not cranky cultural warriors who are mad at everybody but who are peacemakers who know how to do the ministry of Jesus – reconciliation. 

“God has restored our relationship with Him through Christ,  and He has given us [that’s you and me] the ministry of restoring relationships. [That’s the ministry of reconciliation.]  He did not hold people’s faults against them, and He’s given us this message of restored relationships to tell others.  [This is the good news, the war with God can be over and the war with other people can be over.]  We are Christ’s representatives and we beg you on behalf of Christ to become reunited with God.” 

“God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God.”  I want that blessing on your life.  I want that blessing on your family.  I want that blessing on your marriage.  I want that blessing on my life.  I want that blessing on our church and on our nation.  “God blesses those who work for peace.  Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called the children of God.”

Maybe you’ve never made peace with God.  Today’s your day.

Prayer:

      Would you say this? “God, I don’t want to be at war with You any more.  I’m going to humbly surrender to You today.  You’re God, I’m not.  You’re in charge, I’m not.  You call the shots.  Thank You for sending Your Son, Jesus Christ to absorb the pain for me, so I could be reconciled to You.  So that I could be just-as-if-I’d never sinned.  It’s amazing that You would do that.  When I didn’t even care about You, You cared about me.  So today, Jesus Christ, I open my life to You.  I open my heart to You.  I’m saying Yes to You.  I don’t even understand it all but I’m just saying Yes.  I want to end the war.  I want to have peace with God…”