5-27 Sermon

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SHARING YOUR HOPE

            Living God's Way -- Part 7

            I Peter 3:15-20    05-27-12 Sermon

           

The first Christians who ever lived didn't have some of things we have.  They didn't have bumpers, so that couldn't very well have bumper stickers.  They didn't have dove or fish logos.  They didn't have any Witness Wear, no Christian T-shirts, no J.C. hats or WWJD bracelets.  They didn't have any super pastors with T.V., radio, and tape ministries.  They didn't have any celebrity pitch men making Christianity the vogue religion of the day.  They didn't even have gospel tracts, 4 Spiritual Law books, motel room Bibles, a big white tent to bring all their friends to for an evangelistic or healing crusade.  Yet amazingly, we read in the Bible, that not every week, but every single day people were giving their lives to God and being added to their number.

How did they do that?  They did it with the same kind of advertising that we still do everywhere today.  Simple testimonials from satisfied customers.  Just Joe and Jane Average Christian saying "This faith that I have, I've tried this and it's working for me.  It'll work for you."  A simple testimonial of their faith in God. 

If you're a Christian and you've felt inadequate to share your faith with others, if you've ever felt that pang of guilt that comes over you because the Lord dropped a primo opportunity to share your faith and you blew it, you didn't take it -- if you've ever felt that way. 

I Peter 3 is for you.  It's in this passage, Peter gives us four essentials for sharing our faith -- Essential Equipment for Effective Evangelism.  Four things that we need to have to witness in ways that work.

1.  WE NEED HOPE PROPERLY FOCUSED.

I Peter 3:15 "But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord.  Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have." 

Normally we talk about sharing our faith.  Today we're going to talk about sharing our hope and there's a difference.  When we share our faith, typically, we're looking back.  We look back and say, "God created the world, so I believe in God.  Jesus Christ came, and lived, and died and was resurrected, so I believe in Jesus."  Or, There was a time in my past when I hit rock bottom and I looked up to God and He reached down to me and He saved me.  So I believe in God.  When we share our faith we're looking back on those critical events that gave us faith in the first place.

But when we share our hope we're looking ahead.  We're saying to a lost and dying world, "Here's why I'm confident.  Here's why I'm optimistic in a world who's future tends to look bleak."  When we share our hope we're looking ahead.

Everybody has hopes.  We hope the economy is going to turn around.  We hope that maybe someday we'll get a better job.  We hope our kids will turn out OK.  We hope that maybe we won't have a disaster this month.  We hope we're going to meet Mr. or Miss Right.  We hope that somehow our lives are going to get better and not always be riddled with the problems that we have now. 

The problem with the world's hopes, is that they are pretty foundationless.  As we have watched the news we have seen floods and forest fires, and snow in the Rockies, and tornadoes.  What guarantee is there that the next tornado isn’t going to hit Joelton?  What guarantee is there that your kids are going to turn out right?  That your life really is going to get better?  The world's hopes really don't amount to much more than wishful thinking. 

But for us Christians, our hope is very different.  Here's a definition of a Christian's hope: Hope is an optimistic outlook based on powerful promises.  The world's definition of hope is an optimistic outlook.  Our definition of hope is an optimistic outlook based on powerful promises. 

This is what the Bible says about a Christian's hope:  it is living, it's secure, it's sure, it's firm, it's certain.  The object of our hope as Christians is Jesus Christ.  The reason that we hope in Him is because of the powerful promises that He gives us, about how He's orchestrating all the events of our lives for our good, about how God has a plan for us, He plans to give us a future and a hope.  He plans to do good for us.  Jesus Christ right now, today, is in Heaven and He's preparing a place for us.  God gives us all kinds of great promises and that's why we hope in Him.  It's a very different kind of hope that the rest of the world tends to have.

Obviously, if we're going to share that hope, we've got to have that hope and we've got to have it in proper focus, sharp focus.  How do I know that I've got my hope sharply and properly focused?

What makes me confident in new and difficult situations?  The answer to that question will tell you whether or not your hope is sharply focused.  It's pretty easy for us as Christians to have our hopes divided.  What is it that gives you hope in a new and difficult situation?  Sometimes it's the strength of your resume.  Sometimes it's just the car that you pull up in, or the fact that you're having a good hair day.  There are a lot of reasons why we have hope.  Peter says "In your hearts set apart Christ as Lord."

Before we can ever share our hope we've got to have it sharply focused.  It begins by us taking some time with the Lord and saying, "Jesus, I've got to admit to You, I've had You right down here in the pool of all the other hopes that I have -- just one of many.  But today I want to set You apart.  I want to set You on a pedestal as my One and Only hope."  When you make Jesus your one and only hope, then you've got your hope sharply and properly focused and you can share it.

           

2.  WE NEED REASONS INDIVIDUALLY PREPARED.

Peter says, "Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have." 

For a lot of us this is the sticking point.  I can have the hope, but share the hope?  I just don't know the Bible that well.  I'm not that quick on my feet; I don't think that fast.  If I go out there and try to share my hope some skeptic is going to tie me in knots with some philosophical problem that I can't answer.  Having the hope is one thing but share the hope?  I don't think so. 

This is the beauty of sharing your hope.  It's your hope.  It's your reasons.  Peter's not saying, "Have a snappy rebuttal for every philosophical argument that can be tossed at you."  No, he just saying "Have a reason for your hope.  It's your hope; it's your reason.  It's your reason you individually prepare."

How do you prepare reasons to share your hope?  Go back to our definition of hope -- hope is an optimistic outlook based on powerful promises.  Just memorize a couple of promises that have worked for you, tuck them inside your memory, have them there and apply them to your life and your situation right now and you'll be ready to share them with somebody else. 

Example:  One single mom talking to another single mom.  First mom:  "I don't know what I'm going to do.  My kid is out of control.  He's never home.  When he's not home I have no idea what he's doing, but I don't like the crowd he's running around with.  When the kid is home I can't get him to lift a finger or give me the time of day.  He just locks himself in his room.  He just brought home a terrible report card and it looks like he's going down the tubes there.  I don't know what I'm going to do.  I think my kid misses a father figure in his life.  I can't be all for my kid that I'm supposed to be.  Am I the only one that ever feels this way?"

            Second mom:  "Are you kidding?  I know right where you're at.  Nobody was meant to be a full time part of the work force, and a full time solo parent at the same time.  I know what you're going through.  I couldn't spend the time my kid needs for me even if I wanted to,I don't have that kind of time.  But God tells me He'll be a Father to the fatherless.  So I'm just counting on God to somehow compensate for what my ex isn't doing.  God tells me if I'm just faithful and I'm doing my best and I'm trying to raise up this kid in the way he should live, God tells me when he's old he's going to be there.  It might look like for now that he's straying, but I'm hanging on to that promises that he's going to turn out.” 

It might be one laid off worker talking to another.  Share your hope with this guy:  "I don't know what I'm going to do.  I'm in the exact same boat as you.  I've got no job and I'm not sure what my future holds.  But God tells me that He knows my needs before I ever even ask Him about them.  He tells me `Don't worry about what you're going to eat or what you're going to wear or where you're going to live.  Just focus on Me and live for Me and I'll see to it that your needs are met.'  I'd much rather meet my own needs right now, but while I'm out of a job, I'm holding on to God and counting on Him to meet them."

There are no fancy philosophical arguments here.  None of these people have theology degrees.  They don't even quote the Scripture passages specifically with chapter and verse and book.  If you "Habakkuk" to a non-Christian, they say "Godsundheit"; they have no idea what you're talking about.  These people just have a simple promise that they're holding onto in their life.  They've taken a promise of God and applied it to their situation and it's given them hope.  Now they're ready to share the reason for their hopefulness with somebody else that needs it.  It's that simple.

How do I get prepared?  Tuck a few promises in your heart that apply to you right now.  When your circumstances change you'll find a couple of other promises that fit you're at then.  And you're always ready to share your hope. 

If you feel like you don't have the personality type be encouraged by this, the third piece of essential equipment --

3.  GENTLENESS SINCERELY EXPRESSED.

I love the fact that nowhere in Peter's letter is it found that you need an outgoing personality to share your hope.  We need gentleness sincerely expressed.  He said "But do this with gentleness and respect keeping a clear conscience [don't fake it -- that should be who you are all the time]"  Gentleness and respect -- I can do that.  I can share my hope in a way that's kind of soft spoken and meek, not pushy and know it all.  I can be respectful.  I can put aside my agenda for a time and listen to another person's hurts, listen to their feelings, empathize with them.  That's doable.  I can share my hope that way.

That's what we need.  If I can think of anything that is overrated in the Christian world today it's a dynamic personality.  We all love to hover around those people and try to project that ourselves.  "I'm big.  I'm important.  I'm the smartest, shrewdest, sharpest, wittiest, funniest, coolest, prettiest."  We love to project that.  If that's you or me the only "est" we are is the "farthest" from the heart of God.  God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.  If you're so into promoting yourself how are you ever going to promote God?  If you come across so self-confident how are you going to convince somebody that your confidence is really in the Lord?  If you're so self-assured how are you ever going to show somebody that you're God assured.  We think we need a special personality to share our faith -- alive, active, sharp as a tack.  But that's the job of the Word of God, the promises you share.  The Bible says that "the Word of God is living and active and sharp as a two edged sword."  It cleaves a person in two and cuts right to the core of their spirit.  It shows them who they are and shows them their need for God. 

How do you know you have the right attitude?  How do I know my attitude is right?

When God's word is more prominent than we are.  When people come away from an encounter with us and they say, "That Christian's a little different.  That's the first guy I think I've ever met that didn't try to force feed me his religion."  When people kind of get ambushed by you and they don't even know it.  They get away from an encounter with you and say "Wait a second!  I just got witnessed to!  I think that guy was trying to convert me and I didn't even notice!"  That's the path and that's the power in sharing your hope.  But it's so hard to walk that path. 

Two things happen when we have our hope properly focused and when we have our promises and we share them gently.  First, I Peter 3:16 says people will be ashamed of themselves.  They'll be ashamed of the fact that they ever thought something bad about you.  They'll come away from an encounter with you and say "Maybe some of the stereotypes I've had about these Christians aren't really valid."

A second thing that happens when you share your hope gently, people are actually drawn to God.  You can read back in I Peter 2, Peter says "Live such good lives, such gentle, respectful lives among people that even though they might insult you at first they're going to turn around and they're going to praise God and glorify God on the day He visits."  They're going to be drawn to God.  Not because of your dynamic personality, but by your gentleness.

What's it going to take for those of you who are believers this week to find that perfect middle ground not mediocrity, but that third position that says, "I'm going to share in a way that's me.  I'm going to share in a way that's gentle."  There's going to be people looking to you this week for hope.  They're going to be in your office, your neighborhood, your classroom.  What's it going to take?

4.  WE NEED CONFIDENCE COURAGEOUSLY MAINTAINED.

No matter how easy you make it sound there's always going to be some people that say "Yes, but..."  Peter says, "Yes, but look at Noah."  "[Jesus] went and proclaimed God's salvation to earlier generations who ended up in the prison of God's judgment because they wouldn't listen.  You know, even though God waited patiently all the days that Noah built his ship, only a few were saved, eight to be exact." 

The illustration of Noah is the illustration to your "Yes, but..."  For 120 years, the Bible tells us, Noah lived and he didn't just build a ship.  Peter says in his second letter that Noah was a preacher of righteousness.  For 120 years it was Noah -- his shipyard and petting zoo.  Noah always had to be prepared to give the reason why there were giraffes in his backyard.  For 120 years he did that.  Amazingly, nobody got saved.  There were 8 people on that ship but they were just Noah's family.

Even more amazingly, Jesus was there.  Obviously, not physically, since Noah lived before Jesus.  He was still in heaven as the Eternal Son of God.  But it says, Jesus went in Spirit and was there with Noah and preached through Noah.  Yet nobody got saved.  That's not discouraging.  It's incredibly encouraging for three reasons:

a)  If Noah had Christ with him, so do we. 

In Noah's day, the eternal Son of God was there, alongside of Noah in sort of a subliminal way working with him.  As Christians, Christ is with you quite literally.  God's Spirit is living inside of you.  When you become a Christian, the pilot light is lit in your life -- the Holy Spirit of God and the pipeline goes straight to Heaven so the gas will never be shut off.  When you start to live the Christian life, you turn a burner on.  Now you're cooking!  When you share the Christian life, you've got all four burners on high blast with gasoline being poured on top.  God's Spirit is huge in you.  God's Spirit is speaking right through you.  Not subliminally, but literally, He's there.  So if Noah had Christ with him, be encouraged, be confident; you have Christ with you even more so.

b)  If Noah didn't have to produce results, neither do we. 

For 120 years nobody ever believed.  Christ was there.  Was Noah a failure?  No way!  Noah was one of the greatest men of faith who ever lived.  And he didn't produce any results.  We just need to remember, as Christians, it's my job to speak, it's God's job to save.  It's my job to do the possible, it's God's job to do the impossible.  I can't save anybody, but I can share my hope and leave the results to God.  If Noah didn't have to produce results to be approved by God, and is held up as one of the great people of faith, then neither do I.

c)  If Noah could handle the insults and the persecution, so can we. 

Peter says earlier on in this passage, if you're eager to do good, then who's really going to oppose you.  If you're out living a good life and sharing your hope, then who's going to oppose you.  The answer is, only the real jerks.  Most people will appreciate it.  If they don't accept it, they'll at least appreciate that you're trying to do good.  Only the real jerks will oppose you.  In Noah's day, everybody was a real jerk.  The bible says, that the thoughts and intentions of every person's heart was only evil all the time.  For 120 years that's the environment that Noah lived in.  Can you imagine the insults that that guy had to endure?  But if he could endure it, so can we. 

Chances are it's not going to go nearly as poorly with us as it did with Noah.  Do you know any people who are hopeless, looking for a hope?  People are going to be more receptive. 

You're going to go out in a world this week that's hopeless.  They need your hope and they need it in a bad way.  People are looking for anything that we can give them.  People have got their hopes set on all kinds of crazy things that can't deliver. 

I'd like to share the illustration of one high school student who made a presentation in class of his hope.  Here's how baseless it was.  The biggest presentation of the day comes from Mickey.  His real name is Steve, but he won't let anyone call him that.  For as long as kids can remember he's always wanted to be known by the name of his hero, Mickey Mouse.  This is not a joke.  Mickey has a sense of humor about it, but underneath he is dead serious.  He shows the others his Mickey Mouse harmonica, his Mickey Mouse cap, his Mickey Mouse doll and his Mickey Mouse toothbrush container and his Mickey Mouse earring.  He said he would have brought his Mickey Mouse underwear, but he didn't think anybody would want to see that.  "Anything and everything Mickey Mouse, I've got it" he says.  He shows them a clipping from a newspaper, a photo of a cow with spots naturally shaped like Mickey Mouse's head.  According to Mickey the people who owned the cow have already sold it to Disney.  They got about a million bucks for that cow.  The other kids are stunned by the sheer number and diversity of the souvenirs, especially the Mickey Mouse fishing bobber.  "No way!" says another kid, "where did you get that?"  "I don't reveal my sources," says Mickey.  Mrs. O'Donnell, the teacher, asks him how his fascination began.  And this is the sad part of a true story.  "It started awhile back, when I had quit school for a time and was at home by myself.  I was depressed, lonely.  I felt like a failure.  I couldn't make friends.  Then I found Mickey Mouse." 

There are people taking on a lot of things as their source of hope.  We don't need to take on the name Mickey or anything else, we know that.  What they need is to take on the name Christ.  They need to take on the name Christian.  They need to set apart Christ as Lord in their life as their sole source of hope. 

How are you ever going to know if you're ready to do it?  You're probably never going to feel it.  You might never feel perfectly prepared.  You'll know you're ready when you do this:  You'll take a little time today and say, "What are the promises of God that mean the most to me in my situation right now?  Is Christ really set apart as Lord in my heart?  Is He my sole source of hope?"  And you pray "God I don't know if I know all how to do it, but would you give me an opportunity this week to share my hope with somebody that needs it?"

God would love to do that.  When you're willing to pray that prayer and ask God to give you that chance, you're ready.  You're as ready as you need to be.  Ask God to give you a chance this week.

5-20-12 Sermon, "Diffusing Conflict in Relationship"

To listen to this sermon, click here. See below for transcript

DIFFUSING CONFLICT IN RELATIONSHIPS

            Living God's Way -- Part 6

            I Peter 3:8-11  05-20-12 Sermon

           

One of the things you see when you look around creation is that God loves diversity.  We're all different.  None of us is alike.  God could have made us all alike but He didn't.  What's more interesting to me is that opposites often marry.  Before you got married all you could see was how much you had in common with that person.  After you got married it's a whole different story. All you could see was how much you didn't have in common with that person.  They say that opposites attract.  But after marriage sometimes opposites attack.  All those things you thought were so cute when you were going together really get on your nerves now.

The Bible says and Peter tells us God says, "I want you to get along.  I made you differently but I want you to get along."  V. 8:  "Live in harmony with each other".  Fortunately, Peter tells us exactly how to do that.  He gives us six secrets, ingredients, attitudes.  He says "If you build these into your life you will find the conflict in your relationships being dramatically reduced."  If you live around people for any length of time you're going to have conflicts.  Peter says if you will just do these six things, if you'll just build these six attitudes into your life, you will find dramatic improvement in your relationships -- with your husband or with your wife, with your children, with your parents, with your employers, friends.  He says do these things to reduce conflict. 

1.  SYMPATHY.  Peter says in V. 8:  "Be sympathetic."

What does it mean to be sympathetic?  To sympathize simply means to understand and validate or affirm someone's feelings, not their ideas, but their feelings.  When you're sensitive to their feelings, you don't belittle them, put them down, or say "You shouldn't feel that way".   When you validate somebody else's feelings you're being sympathetic. 

Sympathy does two things.  It meets two basic human needs.

      1.  All of us have a need to be understood.  You want somebody to understand you in life.

      2.  All of us have a need to feel like our feelings are OK.  We want somebody to validate them.  "Am I weird?  Am I Crazy?  Does anybody else feel this way?"  When you find somebody who is sympathetic with you, it not only says, "I understand" but it says "I validate your feelings".  I may not feel that way but I validate your feelings.  It's not a matter of right or wrong.

Peter says that's the first building block, the first step in diffusing conflict.  Understand where people are coming from.  Understand their background. Understand their temperament.  Understand the circumstances that have shaped them.  When you do that you'll learn to be sympathetic.

How do I become sympathetic?  Use your ears more than your mouth.  Learn to listen.  When you learn to listen you will automatically become sympathetic with the feelings of your mate or whoever.  Listening says "I care".  When you listen to somebody you're giving them one of the greatest gifts saying, "You matter to me.  You're valuable.  What you're saying is valuable."  Listening says "I care about you."  People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care. 

James 1:19 "Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry."  If you do the first two, the third one is automatic.  If you're quick to listen and slow to speak you will become slow to anger.  The problem is we're usually so busy being quick to speak, we're so busy trying to get our opinion across, we so want them to understand us, that we often miss what they're saying. 

Steven Colby wrote a book The Seven Habits of Successful People.  One of the habits he said was "Seek to understand before seeking to be understood."  The Bible calls that wisdom.  The Bible says understanding gives a man patience.  If I understand why you do what you do, if I'm sympathetic to you, if I understand that, then I'm going to cut you some slack.  It's easy for me to be more accepting, more accommodating, when I know why you do what you do. 

The Bible tells us that there are two particular areas where you need to be sympathetic to people that you care about.  "We must bear the burdens of being considerate of the doubts and fears of others"  That's where you start resolving conflict, being sympathetic and considerate of the doubts and fears of others. 

One of the reasons we have so much conflict is that we don't validate people's background.  We don't give it any credence and we don't understand what they're saying and what they're doing is based on a whole history.  Sympathy is simply saying "I validate your feelings."  I understand them.  I may not feel that way, but I don't belittle them, don't downgrade them, don't make fun of them, don’t ridicule their feelings, their grief, their emotions, their doubts, their fears. 

That is the first building block in reducing conflict.  Because when you don't validate my feelings we have a problem. 

How would you rate yourself on sympathy?  How would your spouse rate you on sympathy?  If your spouse would say, "My husband/wife is always understanding"  give yourself a 9.  If your spouse would say, "My husband/wife ignores my feelings," give yourself a 1.  If your spouse would say, "My husband/wife ridicules my feelings" give yourself a -10.

2.  LOYALTY

"Brotherly love"  -- Peter says being committed to the relationship, we act like we're on the same team, we're in the same family, we're in this together.  We don't compete with each other.  We complement each other.  We cooperate with each other.

We recognized today people who have demonstrated their loyalty to this church for 25 years or more.  Some of our members made a commitment to this church 25 or more years ago to support it with their prayers, their attendance, their financial gifts and their service.  They committed themselves to the other people of this church—that’s loyalty.

Loyalty is a very important ingredient in reducing conflict in relationships.  When I get irritated with my wife or kids or anybody or when I'm angry or upset with somebody it's very simple to all of a sudden start focusing on the problem and forget the value of the relationship.  Pretty soon you start seeing yourselves as enemies.  They're not the enemy.  You love them, you're married to them, they're a friend, a parent, or whatever.  You're on the same team.  Loyalty says, "Let's stop attacking each other and let's attack the problem together."  It's a subtle shift in the way you look at the problem.  Instead of saying "I'm going to work on fixing the blame, let's fix the problem.  It's our problem.  What can we do together?"  Rather than seeing the person as the enemy... It's good to say during an argument, "Hey, we're on the same team.  How can we work on this problem, together?"  That's brotherly love.  It's commitment.

Romans 12:10 "Be devoted to one another in brotherly love."  Devoted doesn't mean that you agree on everything.  You don’t.  It means you're loyal.  It's like brothers.  If you had bothers and sisters growing up you know that with them you probably fought like cats and dogs but if somebody were to attack your brother or sister then you'd get very defensive and you'd defend them.  That's family loyalty. 

Loyalty.  We're in this together.  Loyalty is another word for commitment.  It means I may differ with you, I may be irritated with you, I may be angry and upset and totally disagreeing with what you think, but don't let there be any doubt I'm committed to this relationship; I'm not walking out on it no matter how bad it gets. 

It’s OK if your children see you arguing, but they also need to see you resolve it so that they don't think these things just go on and on.  An argument can plant seeds of doubt in kids' minds about your commitment to each other and you will have some repair work to do.  Set them down and say, "Sometimes I get really upset with your mother, sometimes she can get really upset with me.  But don't let there be any doubt in your mind that we are committed to each other.  Divorce is not an option with us."  One of the major fears kids have today is that their parents are going to divorce.  It's happening to all their friends. 

Peter says, "If you love someone you'll be loyal to them no matter what the cost." 

Part of loyalty is accepting each other's differences.  Romans 15:7 "Accept one another just as Christ accepted you."  Acceptance doesn't mean I approve of everything you do but it means my love for you is not dependent upon you changing.  If you've been married any length of time have you figured out yet that there are a lot of things in your spouse that are probably never going to change.  If you say "I'll love you if..."  Forget it, that's not real love.  That's conditional love.  Acceptance says, "I've got faults, you've got faults.  But you're a good egg even if you are a little cracked."  You make allowances for each other.  That's loyalty.  We're all flaky sometimes.  We all act like flakes depending on the time of the day or week or month.

Rate yourself on Loyalty from one to nine.

3.    The third secret to diffusing conflict in relationships is GENEROSITY or COMPASSION.

Colossians 3:12 "Clothe yourselves with compassion."  Compassion is really defined as love in action.  If sympathy is understanding someone's feelings, compassion takes it one step further and demonstrates it in action.  What can I do to help you?  There are two ways, primarily, that we show compassion or generosity in relationships.

First is by what we say to other people.  Ephesians 4:29 "Speak what is helpful for building others up according to their needs that it may benefit those who listen."  Does that characterize your speech?  Words that build up each other?  Words that make the other person feel good, that meets their needs?  Or is your talk a little more toxic, filled with bombs and verbal arrows that destroy.  The Bible says that we can show compassion by the words that we say to each other.  Part of that is choosing the right time and place to say things that might be a little hard to say.  Showing compassion in what we say and the way we say it is part of diffusing conflict. 

The other way is by how we act toward each other, the things that we actually do.  I John 3:18 "My children, we should love people, not only with words and talk but by our actions and true caring."  Compassion is saying with your actions, "How can I make life easier for you?  What can I do that will make your life a little bit easier?"

How would you rate yourself on compassion and generosity?  Would the people closest to you say that you're a very giving person?  Give yourself a "1" if your favorite phrase is "How can you make life easier for me?" and give yourself a "9" if you're constantly looking for ways to make life easier for the people you love.

4.  The fourth secret to diffusing conflict in relationships is HUMILITY

I Corinthians says that "Love is not proud".  We learned very quickly that every time we get into a conflict pride is involved some way.  Somewhere there is pride and stubbornness.  Prov. 13:10 "Pride only leads to arguments". 

Maybe your house is inhabited by some very tough people, very stubborn, very self-willed, and sometimes when you get into a conflict you can be staring at each other from across the room with this "I'm not going to make a move here" attitude.  As long as you have that kind of prideful, stubborn attitude there is no resolution, no harmony.  As soon as one of you is willing to be humble and be willing to soften our own hearts, suddenly God can begin to work. 

What is humility?  It is being honest about my weaknesses, my needs, my failures.  It's not assuming that I know it all or understand everything that you're saying.  It's being willing to admit a mistake.  If I'm humble I can say those four very difficult words, "I need your help."  Those are hard words to say, especially in our culture.  To admit to someone else that you need their help, to be vulnerable, to take that kind of risk?  That doesn't come easily to us.  The Bible tells us that "We are to bear each other's burdens."  How can I bear his burdens if he doesn't tell me what they are?  How can he bear mine if I do not share with him what it is that I'm struggling with?  Saying those words, "I need your help", takes humility.

It also enables us to say the three difficult words, "I was wrong".  Those words, at least for me, kind of stick in my throat.  They are so hard to swallow, like trying to swallow dry bread.  Prov. 28:13 "Anyone who refuses to admit his mistakes can never be successful, but if he confesses and forsakes them, he gets another chance." 

Humility is also being able to say those two very hard words, "Forgive me."  Sometimes they stick just as much as "I was wrong".  But they're a little easier to say when I remember that God graced my life and because He has forgiven me, I can offer forgiveness and even say, "I'm sorry.  I was wrong."  I can stop demanding perfection.  Perfection is not going to be in your relationships.  Know that God has worked in your life and you can admit that you were wrong.

How do you rate on humility?  Do you find it difficult to back down?  Do you back other people into corners?  How easy is it for you to admit that you were wrong and ask forgiveness?  Give yourself a "1" if the words "I was wrong" have never passed your lips since 1962.  Give yourself a "9" if you can easily ask for help and admit wrong.

5. The fifth secret to diffusing conflict in relationships is MERCY

I Peter 3:9 "Never pay back one wrong with another or pay an angry word with another one.  Instead pay back with a blessing, so that you inherit a blessing yourself."

Definition of mercy:  Mercy is giving more kindness than justice demands.  We hurt each other deeply lots of times.  Because of that massive doses of mercy are required to get back on track again.  When you've been hurt deeply, there is all this emotional energy that's stirred up.  I have the choice to either use that emotional energy for retaliation, sticking him or her real good or I can use that energy for resolution.  This verse says pay back a curse with a blessing.  How do you pay back a blessing when someone's hurling angry words at you?  How do you give them back a blessing? 

I haven’t mastered this, and I'm not always successful, but my attempt right now, is in those situations is to pray, and say "God, I don't want to give mercy to him.  I want to smack him up side of the head.  I want to walk out of this room.  I want to throw things.  I want to do anything but offer mercy.  Would you give me calm not inflammatory words -- calm words, to be able to talk this through?"  I have to remember that God's way is different than man's way.  The world's way is get even, isn't it?  But God's way is this, Colossians 3:13 "Remember the Lord forgave you so you must forgive others."  That means all the millions of little things and all the really big things.  You're never going to have to forgive someone more than God has already forgiven you."  So give mercy.  Forgive.

I Cor. 13:5 "Love keeps no record of wrongs."  Some of you may not only keep a record of wrongs, you've got a whole closet in your mental house and every wrong that your spouse, or parent, or child has done to you has been catalogued, categorized, thereby named, ready to pull out at the right moment and hurl it into that argument. 

One man said, when we argue my wife gets historical.  The other guy said, you mean “Hysterical.”  The first one said, No, I mean historical.  She brings up everything I ever did wrong in the past.

That's not God's way.  If you're going to call yourself a Christian you have to learn to forgive, to offer mercy, as God has forgiven you. 

The thing about forgiveness is it's not just this one time lesson.  Forgiveness is something you learn over and over and over...  As the Bible says seventy times seven, forgiveness is something you keep learning and keep offering.

How do you rate yourself on mercy?  Are you quick to forgive?  Do you stockpile hurts?  Stockpile ammo to attack each other?  Give yourself a "1" if you keep a scorecard.  Give yourself a "9" if you're quick to offer forgiveness, quick to let go of grudges. 

The last secret of diffusing conflict.  6.  MATURITY

When you grow up in the Lord, as you grow, you find your conflicts going down, because maturity is one of the six secrets. 

What is maturity?  The signs of aging are not the same as the signs of maturing.  You can grow old without growing up.  So how do you know if you're mature or not.  In the book of James he says that the mark of maturity, emotional and spiritual maturity, is the ability to master your mouth, to watch your words, to control your tongue.  He says that's the mark of maturity.  In this passage, Peter says the exact same thing.  You can judge a person's maturity by how they manage their mouth. 

v. 10:  "If you want a happy, good life keep control of your tongue and guard your lips from telling lies.  Live in peace." The way to live in peace is to watch your words, to muzzle your mouth, to control your reactions.  How many times have you said things that only made the matters worse and took a long time to get over?  And how many times have you said things that you wished you could take back? 

Proverbs 12:18 "Thoughtless words can wound as deeply as any sword but wisely spoken words can heal."  You know the old rhyme "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me" is not true.  In fact names hurt more than sticks and stones.  You might break a bone and it will heal in six weeks, six months.  But some of you are still holding on to hurt from things that were said 30 years ago.  Emotional hurts take longer to heal than physical hurts.  Your words have the power in your relationship to build up or tear down, to delight or to destroy, to encourage or discourage.  You can either support and supplement and compliment and help or you can damage and destroy and ruin a relationship by your words. You need to say "God, put a muzzle on my mouth because I don't want to destroy something good and precious by the way I talk." 

How do you rate yourself on this sixth attitude, your ability to control your mouth?  Give yourself a one to nine on that.

Actually, all six of these attitudes are marks of maturity.  Maturity is when your concern for others is greater than your concern for yourself.  How do you know when you're mature emotionally?  When your concern for others is greater than your concern for yourself.  The more selfish you are, the more immature you are.  The more mature you are the more unselfish you are. 

God made us all differently and He did it on purpose.  No single one of us has the total picture and perspective on life.  That's because we need each other.  God made it that way.  As much as you'd like to think that you've got it all figured out, you don't.  And neither do I.  So God puts different parts of His truth in different personalities.  God wants to use our differences to enrich us, rather than to divide us.  It will enrich you if you practice these six attitudes.