HOW TO BE UNSELFISH
Living God's Way -- Part 5
Living God's Way -- Part 5
1
Peter 3 The Message (MSG)
Cultivate Inner Beauty
1-4The
same goes for you wives: Be good wives to your husbands, responsive to their
needs. There are husbands who, indifferent as they are to any words about God,
will be captivated by your life of holy beauty. What matters is not your outer
appearance—the styling of your hair, the jewelry you wear, the cut of your
clothes—but your inner disposition.
4-6Cultivate
inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in. The holy women of
old were beautiful before God that way, and were good, loyal wives to their
husbands. Sarah, for instance, taking care of Abraham, would address him as
"my dear husband." You'll be true daughters of Sarah if you do the
same, unanxious and unintimidated.
7The
same goes for you husbands: Be good husbands to your wives. Honor them, delight
in them. As women they lack some of your advantages. But in the new life of
God's grace, you're equals. Treat your wives, then, as equals so your prayers
don't run aground.
We're
going to take a look at relationships today and I thought a fun way to start
that would be to have you think of your relationships in terms of an Olympic
event. Then I started to think
that through a little bit and remembered that most events in the Winter
Olympics started at the top of a hill and go downhill very rapidly. No, that's not a good picture for
relationships.
On the
other hand, what if they gave gold medals for great relationships? What would it take to get one of
those? What if for having a great
relationship, a great marriage, being a great parent or a great friend you're
going to stand up on one of those platforms, they'll play an anthem and you'll
have a medal around your neck because you did something to make a relationship
great? They talk about a single
quality for Olympic athletics as being the quality of dedication, if they're
going to earn a gold medal after years and years of practice. We're going to talk about an important
single quality for relationships.
The quality that's talked about in I Peter is a quality
that's called submission.
When you hear that word is your first feeling positive or
negative? I thought I'd take a
look at some of the positive meanings that are used today for that word. But I knew I was in trouble when I
began looking down the list of definitions. I saw words like " back
down, bend to another person's will; comply; cower; crawl; cringe; give in;
live a dog's life." Not
one positive phrase.
This word
submission suffers from an image problem.
A word that used to have a more positive slant to it when the New
Testament was written, today has taken on an almost entirely negative
slant.
But
whenever you see this word in the Bible, here’s a Definition of SUBMISSION: having the courage to give
up my rights to meet another person's needs. That attitude deserves a gold medal.
This
ability to be unselfish in our relationships is one of the main ingredients to
learning to live God's way. There are three basic ways to live
life: My way, God's
Way, Other's Way
I can live
life Other's Way doing what they say
and because I want to make them happy; I'm just doing it because I have to; In
that case I'm subjected, down under
them, controlled by them.
Or I can
live life My Way doing what I want
because I want to. That means I'm
up above everybody else, trying to be the best. That’s selfish
and self-centered.
In the New
Testament, Peter says, neither of these are what works. Do it God's way—submission.
My way is being a tiger, I claw my way
to the top. Other's way is being a turtle, I hide in my shell and just let
people throw things at me and slowly poke my way through life. My way and Others' way -- neither of
them work. A lot of you may think
that submission is doing it Other's way and it's not. Not at all.
Other's way means that you're a doormat. You let other people walk over you and whatever they want is
what happens. That doesn't
work. But neither does it work for
you to become a tank and run over everybody else. It's something in between called submission. A word we
use today is unselfishness. Learning to be unselfish in our
relationships.
Peter
talks about two very basic things about unselfishness: Why
we should be unselfish, and How can
we be unselfish. Why and How.
I. WHY SHOULD I BE UNSELFISH
For some,
selfishness may be working out just fine.
"I'm getting my way and
things are going OK. Why should I
be unselfish?" For others
of us we're not so sure about being unselfish, especially us being unselfish first. Let somebody else take the first turn in this. (That would be the unselfish thing to
do, wouldn't it?)
A mother
wanted to teach her two boys something about unselfishness. There was one piece of cake left and
both boys wanted it. Figuring that
the older boy would catch on better she asked him “What do you think Jesus
would do with the piece of cake?
The older boy said, “He would let the other person have it.” Then he said to his younger brother, “I
will let you be Jesus.”
Peter gives three powerful reasons for us being unselfish in
our lives:
1. Be unselfish because selfishness is the
source of conflict.
James
writes: "Do you know where your fights and arguments come from? They come from the selfish desires that
war within you." It's the
source of conflict in most homes.
You take the arguments, the conflicts, and boil them all down, and at
the root of any of them, you'll find that someone, somewhere, somehow is being
selfish. Of course in your arguments it's always the other
person being selfish, but somewhere someone is being selfish. In order to bring a new sense of peace
to your home, your relationships, this key to unselfishness can make a
difference. It can help you find
some common ground in the battle ground that your home may have become.
2. Because unselfishness is the secret to
change.
Peter
writes to wives and encourages them, "Be
unselfish so that if your husbands don't believe the word they may be won over,
they may be changed, without words by the behavior of their wives." Change is important in any
relationship. It's natural, it's
healthy to want to change in our relationships. That's what growth is all about. Even if you've got a great relationship, you should want it
to change and develop. If you're
really struggling in your relationship, of course you're desperate for change
to begin to happen.
HOW do we
make change happen? How many of
you have tried to push or argue somebody into making a change? How many of you have found that that
does not work? What does work to
help people to change?
Unselfishness. It is the most powerful tool that we
have at our disposal to encourage other people to grow and to change. Jesus Christ was the most unselfish
person who ever walked the face of this earth. He gave His life unselfishly for others. Look at how many people He's
changed.
In your
own life, who's had the most impact on you when it comes to change in your
life? Selfish people? Of course
not. It's been people who have
acted unselfishly towards you, people who have helped you to grow and to
change. Unselfishness is the
secret to change.
Peter sort
of assumes something that is important.
He assumes that these two people are going to stay together and work
towards change. Even though one
has become a believer and the other isn't. They are sort of incompatible in some ways. This comes to a question I'm often
asked about change and relationships and making a relationship work especially
for one who has become a believer a little bit later in life. There's a feeling that "When I got married I really wasn't
seeking God's will so I'm really wondering now if the person I'm married to is
really the person who is God's will for my life. Maybe somehow I missed God's will for my life."
There's
this feeling that I made a wrong turn somewhere in my life and I missed that
person who was God's will for my life.
The answer to that question is that the person that you're married to
now is God's will for your life.
The Bible says that when we become married we become one flesh and God
takes that very, very seriously.
God's will is that we work to change, develop and grow where we
are. The bible gives some
exceptions, but in most cases, this is God’s will.
3. A third reason why we should be unselfish is that
selfishness short circuits prayer.
I Peter
3:7 "Do this so that nothing will
stop your prayers." The
way that I act towards others affects my relationship to God. You can do it your way, using your
selfish energy or you can do it God's way, depending upon His boundless
energy. Selfishness at its very
core says "I'm depending on
myself." That's what
selfishness is all about. Prayer
at its very core is saying, "I'm
depending on God."
Obviously selfishness short-circuits the power of prayer in our life. It's a matter of who we're depending
on. It's one thing to say that
unselfishness is a good idea, we teach our kids that. But it's another thing to be unselfishness. It's a struggle. If I'm
going to be unselfishness or you're
going to be unselfishness there's this tug-of-war that's going on inside. Like the two little boys—am I going to
be Jesus in this situation or are you going to be Jesus?
As you look through this passage and other passages in the
Bible about relationships and what makes them work, here are three real simple
areas of advice about beginning to develop this thing of unselfishness from a
fellow struggler.
II. HOW CAN I BE UNSELFISH? 1. Understanding.
2. Respect. 3. Sacrifice.
1.
Understanding: Consider other's needs.
I Peter
3:7 "In the same way, you husbands should live with your wives in an
understanding way..." The
word "understanding" doesn't just mean be kind. It literally
means, "to live together according
to knowledge." To get to
know the other person. Unselfishness begins when you and I ask "What do they need?" This is to be a part of all our
relationships, this attitude of considering the other person’s needs.
Phil. 4:5 "Let everyone see that you are unselfish
and considerate in all that you
do." "Everyone",
"unselfish" and "considerate" -- those are attitudes that
are supposed to be a part of every relationship in our lives.
How? How do you start to care more about the
needs of other people? In order to
do this you have to develop a very important skill. The skill is called listening. When you and I begin to learn to listen
we develop this skill of caring for other people's needs.
Three bits
of advice about developing the skill of listening:
1. You have to
be willing to work at it.
Listening doesn't come naturally for anybody. There's nobody who's naturally a good listener. We all naturally care more about what
we're thinking and what we want to say than what they're saying. If you're going to be a good listener
you have to work at it. I've found
that often the times when it's most important for me to listen are when I least
feel like listening.
2. Let them
tell it their way. If
you're going to be a good listener you have to let them tell it their way. Sometimes the other person wants to tell
the story and we are thinking "What's the point?" But as soon as we hear the point we
stop listening to the story. We
need to learn to let them tell it their way. That's the way that makes most sense to them and that's the
way we can hear their feelings and what's important to them and what they
need. Let them tell it their
way. It's important with children
too. If you're a person who always
finishes another person's sentences, this is something you need to work on.
3. Make eye
contact when you listen.
This says "I am listening to
you. You are important to
me." Make eye contact.
Developing
the skill of listening will make you into the kind of person that will begin to
care more about the needs of others.
If you can really hear what they're saying then you can hear their needs
and you can begin to consider them.
2. Respect
means Honoring Other People's Value.
I Peter
3:7, Peter writes to husbands and says, "Show
them [your wives] respect because God gives them the same blessing that He gives
to you." In Ephesians 5,
a parallel passage, to wives "Show
your husbands respect." Respect is a reciprocal thing -- the ability
to see and honor the value of somebody else. If I know somebody's needs I'm not going to begin to meet
their needs unless I value that individual as a person.
Phil. 2:3 "When you do these things don't let
selfishness or pride be your guide.
Instead be humble and give more
honor to others than to yourselves.” This does not say not to honor yourself. It doesn't say to pretend that you
aren't valuable or that you don't have needs. It just says to give more honor to others. It's not talking about thinking less of yourself but thinking of yourself less and begin to
appreciate other people more. We
use the word appreciate when it comes
to financial things to mean something that goes up in value. We need to do that with people, appreciate them, to raise their value
in our eyes. Take time to
appreciate people. Give more honor
to them than to yourself. Recognize
that their needs are as important as yours and honor that value.
3. Sacrifice:
The Willingness to Act on Another's Behalf.
There's a
huge difference between unselfish words and unselfish actions. It's easy to talk, to plan unselfish
things, but unselfish action involves sacrifice.
I John
3:18 "Let us stop just saying we
love people; let us really love them, and show it by our actions." This is where most of us struggle. It's easy to say "I want to meet your needs." It's easy to say "I
value you and I love you deeply with all my heart." That makes us feel good. Sacrificial talk makes us feel
good. It's sacrificial actions that scare us to death.
We're sort
of like this when it comes to sacrifice.
We say "I love you enough to
die for you, just don't make me give up my golf game." But that's where sacrifice really works
-- the little things. In
relationships that work there are hundreds of little sacrifices, a few major
ones maybe, but hundreds of little ones daily.
I Cor.
13:5 says "Love does not demand its
own way." It makes
sacrifices. The challenge is not
to be ready for the one big sacrifice you may have to be ready to make someday
in a relationship. The challenge
is to constantly make the little ones.
For many
of you this could be a real turning point in your relationship with somebody
you've been struggling with for a long time. For some of you this is going to be a turning point
eternally in your relationship with Jesus Christ, the One who loves you the
most.
But if
that's to happen, there is something you're going to have to learn to let go
of. To be unselfish you must let
go of your fear. It's scary to be
unselfish. The fear is "If I'm unselfish, they might take
advantage of me. If I'm unselfish,
it's not just that I'm giving myself, I might lose myself." How do you find the strength to get
past that fear of being unselfish, that barrier?
I John
4:18 "We need have no fear of
someone who loves us perfectly; His perfect love for us eliminates all dread of
what He might do to us."
In order to overcome fear of selfishness and unselfishness in your
relationships all you have to do is find somebody who will love you
perfectly.
And you
know what? Someone already does
love you perfectly. His name is
Jesus Christ. I've found that His perfect
love for me builds a foundation of strength and security in my life that
enables me to begin to love other people unselfishly.
Let us Pray: You might pray this prayer in your
heart--Jesus, I pray that your attitude
of unselfishness would be expressed in my relationship with
____________________. Thank you
for your unselfish love for me! I accept Your love for me and pray that You
would help me to learn to live Your way in my relationships.
I Pet.
1:22 "Now you can have real love for
everyone because your souls have been cleansed from selfishness and hatred when
you trusted Christ to save you; so see to it that you really do love one
another warmly, with all your hearts."
God has
given us a new strength and power to love people in a new way we never could
have before. Let's look to His
strength and power.
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