DIFFUSING CONFLICT IN RELATIONSHIPS
Living
God's Way -- Part 6
I
Peter 3:8-11 05-20-12 Sermon
One of the
things you see when you look around creation is that God loves diversity. We're all different. None of us is alike. God could have made us all alike but He
didn't. What's more interesting to
me is that opposites often marry.
Before you got married all you could see was how much you had in common
with that person. After you got
married it's a whole different story. All you could see was how much you didn't have in common with that
person. They say that opposites attract. But after marriage sometimes opposites attack. All those
things you thought were so cute when you were going together really get on your
nerves now.
The Bible
says and Peter tells us God says, "I want you to get along. I made you differently but I want you
to get along." V. 8: "Live
in harmony with each other".
Fortunately, Peter tells us exactly how to do that. He gives us six secrets, ingredients,
attitudes. He says "If you
build these into your life you will find the conflict in your relationships
being dramatically reduced."
If you live around people for any length of time you're going to have
conflicts. Peter says if you will
just do these six things, if you'll just build these six attitudes into your
life, you will find dramatic improvement in your relationships -- with your
husband or with your wife, with your children, with your parents, with your
employers, friends. He says do
these things to reduce conflict.
1. SYMPATHY. Peter says in V. 8:
"Be sympathetic."
What does
it mean to be sympathetic? To
sympathize simply means to understand and validate or affirm someone's
feelings, not their ideas, but their feelings. When you're sensitive to their feelings, you don't belittle
them, put them down, or say "You shouldn't feel that way". When you validate somebody else's
feelings you're being sympathetic.
Sympathy
does two things. It meets two
basic human needs.
1. All of us have a need to be
understood. You want somebody to
understand you in life.
2. All of us have a need to feel like our
feelings are OK. We want somebody
to validate them. "Am I weird? Am I Crazy?
Does anybody else feel this way?" When you find somebody who is sympathetic with you, it
not only says, "I understand" but it says "I validate your
feelings". I may not feel
that way but I validate your feelings.
It's not a matter of right or wrong.
Peter says
that's the first building block, the first step in diffusing conflict. Understand where people are coming
from. Understand their background.
Understand their temperament.
Understand the circumstances that have shaped them. When you do that you'll learn to be
sympathetic.
How do I become sympathetic? Use your ears more than your mouth. Learn to listen. When you learn to listen you will
automatically become sympathetic with the feelings of your mate or
whoever. Listening says "I
care". When you listen to
somebody you're giving them one of the greatest gifts saying, "You matter
to me. You're valuable. What you're saying is
valuable." Listening says
"I care about you."
People don't care how much you know until they know how much you
care.
James 1:19
"Be quick to listen, slow to speak,
and slow to become angry."
If you do the first two, the third one is automatic. If you're quick to listen and slow to
speak you will become slow to anger.
The problem is we're usually so busy being quick to speak, we're so busy
trying to get our opinion across, we so want them to understand us, that we
often miss what they're saying.
Steven
Colby wrote a book The Seven Habits of
Successful People. One of the
habits he said was "Seek to
understand before seeking to be understood." The Bible calls that wisdom. The Bible says understanding gives a man patience. If I understand why you do what you do,
if I'm sympathetic to you, if I understand that, then I'm going to cut you some
slack. It's easy for me to be more
accepting, more accommodating, when I know why you do what you do.
The Bible
tells us that there are two particular areas where you need to be sympathetic
to people that you care about. "We must bear the burdens of being
considerate of the doubts and fears of others" That's where you start resolving
conflict, being sympathetic and considerate of the doubts and fears of
others.
One of the reasons we have so much conflict is that we
don't validate people's background.
We don't give it any credence and we don't understand what they're
saying and what they're doing is based on a whole history. Sympathy is simply saying "I
validate your feelings." I
understand them. I may not feel
that way, but I don't belittle them, don't downgrade them, don't make fun of
them, don’t ridicule their feelings, their grief, their emotions, their doubts,
their fears.
That is
the first building block in reducing conflict. Because when you don't validate my feelings we have a
problem.
How would
you rate yourself on sympathy? How
would your spouse rate you on sympathy?
If your spouse would say, "My
husband/wife is always understanding" give yourself a 9.
If your spouse would say, "My
husband/wife ignores my feelings," give yourself a 1. If your spouse would say, "My
husband/wife ridicules my feelings" give yourself a -10.
2. LOYALTY
"Brotherly love" -- Peter says being committed to the
relationship, we act like we're on the same team, we're in the same family,
we're in this together. We don't
compete with each other. We
complement each other. We
cooperate with each other.
We
recognized today people who have demonstrated their loyalty to this church for
25 years or more. Some of our
members made a commitment to this church 25 or more years ago to support it
with their prayers, their attendance, their financial gifts and their
service. They committed themselves
to the other people of this church—that’s loyalty.
Loyalty is
a very important ingredient in reducing conflict in relationships. When I get irritated with my wife or
kids or anybody or when I'm angry or upset with somebody it's very simple to
all of a sudden start focusing on the problem and forget the value of the
relationship. Pretty soon you
start seeing yourselves as enemies.
They're not the enemy. You
love them, you're married to them, they're a friend, a parent, or
whatever. You're on the same
team. Loyalty says, "Let's stop attacking each other and
let's attack the problem together." It's a subtle shift in the way you look at the problem. Instead of saying "I'm going to work on fixing the blame, let's fix the
problem. It's our problem. What can we do together?" Rather than seeing the person as the
enemy... It's good to say during an argument, "Hey, we're on the same team. How can we work on this problem, together?" That's brotherly love. It's commitment.
Romans
12:10 "Be devoted to one another in brotherly love." Devoted doesn't mean that you agree on
everything. You don’t. It means you're loyal. It's like brothers. If you had bothers and sisters growing
up you know that with them you probably fought like cats and dogs but if
somebody were to attack your brother or sister then you'd get very defensive
and you'd defend them. That's
family loyalty.
Loyalty. We're in this together. Loyalty is another word for
commitment. It means I may differ
with you, I may be irritated with you, I may be angry and upset and totally
disagreeing with what you think, but don't let there be any doubt I'm committed
to this relationship; I'm not walking out on it no matter how bad it gets.
It’s OK if
your children see you arguing, but they also need to see you resolve it so that
they don't think these things just go on and on. An argument can plant seeds of doubt in kids' minds about
your commitment to each other and you will have some repair work to do. Set them down and say, "Sometimes I get really upset with your
mother, sometimes she can get really upset with me. But don't let there be any doubt in your mind that we are
committed to each other. Divorce
is not an option with us." One of the major fears kids have today is that their parents
are going to divorce. It's
happening to all their friends.
Peter
says, "If you love someone you'll be
loyal to them no matter what the cost."
Part of
loyalty is accepting each other's differences. Romans 15:7 "Accept one another just as Christ
accepted you." Acceptance
doesn't mean I approve of everything you do but it means my love for you is not
dependent upon you changing. If
you've been married any length of time have you figured out yet that there are
a lot of things in your spouse that are probably never going to change. If you say "I'll love you if..." Forget it, that's not real love. That's conditional love. Acceptance says, "I've
got faults, you've got faults. But
you're a good egg even if you are a little cracked." You make allowances for each
other. That's loyalty. We're all flaky sometimes. We all act like flakes depending on the
time of the day or week or month.
Rate
yourself on Loyalty from one to nine.
3. The third secret to diffusing conflict in relationships is GENEROSITY or
COMPASSION.
Colossians
3:12 "Clothe yourselves with
compassion." Compassion
is really defined as love in action.
If sympathy is understanding someone's feelings, compassion takes it one
step further and demonstrates it in action. What can I do to help you? There are two ways, primarily, that we show compassion or
generosity in relationships.
First is
by what we say to other people.
Ephesians 4:29 "Speak what is
helpful for building others up according to their needs that it may benefit
those who listen." Does
that characterize your speech?
Words that build up each other?
Words that make the other person feel good, that meets their needs? Or is your talk a little more toxic,
filled with bombs and verbal arrows that destroy. The Bible says that we can show compassion by the words that
we say to each other. Part of that
is choosing the right time and place to say things that might be a little hard
to say. Showing compassion in what
we say and the way we say it is part of diffusing conflict.
The other
way is by how we act toward each other, the things that we actually do. I John 3:18 "My children, we should love people, not only with words and talk
but by our actions and true caring." Compassion is saying with your actions, "How can I make life easier for you? What can I do that will make your life a little bit
easier?"
How would
you rate yourself on compassion and generosity? Would the people closest to you say that you're a very
giving person? Give yourself a
"1" if your favorite phrase is "How can you make life easier for
me?" and give yourself a "9" if you're constantly looking for
ways to make life easier for the people you love.
4. The fourth secret to diffusing conflict
in relationships is HUMILITY
I
Corinthians says that "Love is not proud". We learned very quickly that every time we get into a
conflict pride is involved some way.
Somewhere there is pride and stubbornness. Prov. 13:10 "Pride
only leads to arguments".
Maybe your
house is inhabited by some very tough people, very stubborn, very self-willed,
and sometimes when you get into a conflict you can be staring at each other
from across the room with this "I'm
not going to make a move here" attitude. As long as you have that kind of prideful, stubborn attitude
there is no resolution, no harmony.
As soon as one of you is willing to be humble and be willing to soften
our own hearts, suddenly God can begin to work.
What is
humility? It is being honest about
my weaknesses, my needs, my failures.
It's not assuming that I know it all or understand everything that
you're saying. It's being willing
to admit a mistake. If I'm humble
I can say those four very difficult words, "I
need your help." Those
are hard words to say, especially in our culture. To admit to someone else that you need their help, to be
vulnerable, to take that kind of risk?
That doesn't come easily to us.
The Bible tells us that "We
are to bear each other's burdens." How can I bear his burdens if he doesn't tell me what they
are? How can he bear mine if I do
not share with him what it is that I'm struggling with? Saying those words, "I need your help", takes
humility.
It also
enables us to say the three difficult words, "I was wrong".
Those words, at least for me, kind of stick in my throat. They are so hard to swallow, like
trying to swallow dry bread. Prov.
28:13 "Anyone who refuses to admit
his mistakes can never be successful, but if he confesses and forsakes them, he
gets another chance."
Humility
is also being able to say those two very hard words, "Forgive
me." Sometimes they stick
just as much as "I was wrong".
But they're a little easier to say when I remember that God graced my
life and because He has forgiven me, I can offer forgiveness and even say,
"I'm sorry. I was wrong." I can stop demanding perfection. Perfection is not going to be in your
relationships. Know that God has
worked in your life and you can admit that you were wrong.
How do you
rate on humility? Do you find it
difficult to back down? Do you
back other people into corners?
How easy is it for you to admit that you were wrong and ask
forgiveness? Give yourself a
"1" if the words "I was wrong" have never passed your lips
since 1962. Give yourself a
"9" if you can easily ask for help and admit wrong.
5. The fifth secret
to diffusing conflict in relationships is MERCY
I Peter
3:9 "Never pay back one wrong with
another or pay an angry word with another one. Instead pay back with a blessing, so that you inherit a
blessing yourself."
Definition
of mercy: Mercy is giving more kindness than justice demands. We hurt each other deeply lots of
times. Because of that massive
doses of mercy are required to get back on track again. When you've been hurt deeply, there is
all this emotional energy that's stirred up. I have the choice to either use that emotional energy for
retaliation, sticking him or her real good or I can use that energy for
resolution. This verse says pay
back a curse with a blessing. How
do you pay back a blessing when someone's hurling angry words at you? How do you give them back a
blessing?
I haven’t
mastered this, and I'm not always successful, but my attempt right now, is in
those situations is to pray, and say "God,
I don't want to give mercy to him.
I want to smack him up side of the head. I want to walk out of this room. I want to throw things. I want to do anything but offer mercy. Would you give me calm not inflammatory
words -- calm words, to be able to talk this through?" I have to remember that God's way is
different than man's way. The
world's way is get even, isn't it?
But God's way is this, Colossians 3:13 "Remember the Lord forgave you so you must forgive others." That means all the millions of little
things and all the really big things.
You're never going to have to forgive someone more than God has already
forgiven you." So give
mercy. Forgive.
I Cor.
13:5 "Love keeps no record of
wrongs." Some of you may
not only keep a record of wrongs, you've got a whole closet in your mental
house and every wrong that your spouse, or parent, or child has done to you has
been catalogued, categorized, thereby named, ready to pull out at the right
moment and hurl it into that argument.
One man
said, when we argue my wife gets historical. The other guy said, you mean “Hysterical.” The first one said, No, I mean
historical. She brings up
everything I ever did wrong in the past.
That's not
God's way. If you're going to call
yourself a Christian you have to learn to forgive, to offer mercy, as God has
forgiven you.
The thing about forgiveness is it's not just this one
time lesson. Forgiveness is
something you learn over and over and over... As the Bible says seventy times seven, forgiveness is
something you keep learning and keep offering.
How do you
rate yourself on mercy? Are you
quick to forgive? Do you stockpile
hurts? Stockpile ammo to attack
each other? Give yourself a
"1" if you keep a scorecard.
Give yourself a "9" if you're quick to offer forgiveness,
quick to let go of grudges.
The last secret of diffusing conflict. 6. MATURITY
When you
grow up in the Lord, as you grow, you find your conflicts going down, because
maturity is one of the six secrets.
What is maturity?
The signs of aging are not the same as the signs of maturing. You can grow old without growing
up. So how do you know if you're
mature or not. In the book of
James he says that the mark of maturity, emotional and spiritual maturity, is the
ability to master your mouth, to watch your words, to control your tongue. He says that's the mark of
maturity. In this passage, Peter
says the exact same thing. You can
judge a person's maturity by how they manage their mouth.
v.
10: "If you want a happy, good life keep control of your tongue and
guard your lips from telling lies.
Live in peace." The way to live in peace is to watch your
words, to muzzle your mouth, to control your reactions. How many times have you said things
that only made the matters worse and took a long time to get over? And how many times have you said things
that you wished you could take back?
Proverbs
12:18 "Thoughtless words can wound
as deeply as any sword but wisely spoken words can heal." You know the old rhyme "Sticks and stones may break my bones,
but names will never hurt me" is not true. In fact names hurt more than sticks and stones. You might break a bone and it will heal
in six weeks, six months. But some
of you are still holding on to hurt from things that were said 30 years
ago. Emotional hurts take longer
to heal than physical hurts. Your
words have the power in your relationship to build up or tear down, to delight
or to destroy, to encourage or discourage. You can either support and supplement and compliment and
help or you can damage and destroy and ruin a relationship by your words. You
need to say "God, put a muzzle on my
mouth because I don't want to destroy something good and precious by the way I
talk."
How do you
rate yourself on this sixth attitude, your ability to control your mouth? Give yourself a one to nine on that.
Actually,
all six of these attitudes are marks of maturity. Maturity is when your concern for others is greater than
your concern for yourself. How do
you know when you're mature emotionally?
When your concern for others is greater than your concern for
yourself. The more selfish you
are, the more immature you are.
The more mature you are the more unselfish you are.
God
made us all differently and He did it on purpose. No single one of us has the total picture and perspective on
life. That's because we need each
other. God made it that way. As much as you'd like to think that
you've got it all figured out, you don't.
And neither do I. So God
puts different parts of His truth in different personalities. God wants to use our differences to
enrich us, rather than to divide us.
It will enrich you if you practice these six attitudes.
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