10-27-13 Sermon

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Toxic Family Members

Handling Toxic People – Part 2

10-27-13 Sermon

“Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God.”  1 John 4:7 (NIV)

Toxic is: when two people are stuck in a way of relating that’s ________________________ them both.

The facts are:

·      We ALL have _____________________________________

·      Not all toxic relationships are ________________________

·      When it’s toxic, you ________________________________

Pray these four prayers:

1.            Father, strengthen me to __________________­­_____________.

“We are like clay jars in which this treasure is stored.  The real power comes from God and not from us.”  2 Cor. 4:7 (CEV)

“And then He told me, ‘My grace is enough; it’s all you need.  My strength comes into its own in your weakness.’  Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen.  I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift.  It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness.  Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks.  I just let Christ take over!  And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.” 2 Cor. 12:9-10 (Msg)

2.            Father, enable me to ____________­­____________________. 

“’Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him?  Up to seven times?’ Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.’”

Matthew 18:21-22 (NAS)

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”  Eph. 4:32 (NIV)

“If you see your friend going wrong, correct him.  If he responds, forgive him.  Even if it’s personal against you and repeated seven times through the day, and seven times he says, ‘I’m sorry, I won’t do it again,’ forgive him.”  Luke 17:3-4 (Msg)

3.            Father, empower me to ________________­­_________________.

“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – His good, pleasing and perfect will.”  Romans 12:2 (NIV)

Problem!

“The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Who can understand it?” 

 Jeremiah 17:9 (NIV)

Resources for change:

The _____________­­________________ of God to E__________________ you.

The ____________­­______________ of God to E____________________ you.

The ______________________­­______________ of God to E____________________ you.

4.            Father, free me _______­­_____________________________.

“And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.  There is no fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.  The one who fears is not made perfect in love.  We love because He first loved us.”  1 John 4:16a,18-19 (NIV)

“God has shown us His love by sending His only Son into the world so that we could have life through Him.”  1 John 4:9 (GW)

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”  Romans 8:38-39 (NIV)

Toxic Family Members

Handling Toxic People – Part 2

10-27-13 Sermon

We’re in week two of this series on “Handling Toxic People.”  Last week we talked about toxic religion. Today we’re going to talk about “Toxic Family Members.”  To start this off, I’d like to read a verse that really is the goal of all of us.  1 John 4:7 “Dear friends, let us love one another for love comes from God.”  With this whole series about toxic people in our lives really the goal is love.  We wouldn’t even be concerned about it if we didn’t have the goal to love other people.  We’d just write them off.  So the goal is love.  Sometimes when we try to love it can get toxic and we need help.  Other times it can be good and there’s joy in it.  We want to find out how do I love in any and every circumstance of life.  Even in the difficult circumstances.  The goal is love.

The idea here is that there are some people that to love them we have to realize that they are toxic.  We’ve got to work through that.

Since we’re talking about toxic people it’s important to define this.  This isn’t just about irritating people.  There are some people in your family that irritate you.  Everybody in your family irritates you sometimes.  That’s just the way it is.  So if you were going to get away from irritating people we’d all live on desert islands because we’d all be irritated with each other. 

This is toxic people.  This is something different.  How do you recognize a toxic family member?  What does a toxic family member look like?  What are we talking about?

Definition: toxic is when two people are stuck in a way of relating that is poisoning them both.  It’s hurting them both.  They just can’t seem to move on.  It’s all hurt from each other, no help from each other, no hope from each other.  That’s what it means to be toxic.  That’s what we’re talking about. 

Before we begin to look at some answers – because God does have some answers for us – before we begin to look at some answers, just a few facts about toxic family members. 

1.  Fact number one is we all have toxic family members. 

You’re not alone in this.  We all struggle with this.  In fact, look at the Bible.  Genesis, the first brother killed the first brother.  That’s fairly toxic you have to admit. 

         Abraham had a child by his wife’s maid and then later puts them out into the desert to die.  That’s a toxic family relationship.  Worse than soap operas if you think about it. 

         Joseph’s eleven brothers want to kill him.  But then they figure it’d be a better financial situation if they would just sell him into slavery so they do that.  That’s a toxic relationship. 

         Lot’s two daughters decide to get their father drunk so they can have children by their father.  Extremely toxic.

         You have Jacob trying to trick his blind father out of an inheritance.

And all this we’re talking about is just in the first book of the Bible.  We haven’t gotten past the first book yet.  Some of you are thinking, “My family looks pretty good compared to some of these families in the Bible.”  Maybe that’s the point.  Some of you could go home right now with some hope because you realize you’re not alone.  Other people are facing this. 

The truth is you see in the first pages of the Bible all the things that make families toxic – jealousy, entitlement, lying, favoritism, unfair expectations, fear, power struggle, materialism, sexual sin, anger, apathy, selfishness.  It’s all there.  Some of you have experienced that.  That’s what we mean when we talk about toxic. 

When we talk about toxic relationships, being imperfect or being sinful isn’t what makes the relationship toxic.  We are all imperfect.  We are all sinful.  What makes the relationship toxic is getting stuck.  You get stuck in your sin.  You get stuck in the past.  You get stuck in unforgiveness.  You get stuck in bitterness.  You get stuck in unhealthy patterns.  That’s what makes it toxic. 

2.  Fact number two is not all toxic relationships are equal.

Would you agree that some people are more toxic than others?  Some poisonous situations last longer than others. 

The radioactive element that has the longest half-life, that stays radioactive the longest, is Uranium 238.  That has a half-life of 4.5 billion years.  That’s a long half-life.  The element with the shortest half-life that’s radioactive is radon 222.  It has a half-life of 3.8 days. 

So when it comes to a toxic relationship you have to decide.  Is this a 3.8-day toxic relationship?  Is this a 4.5 billion years toxic relationship?  You have to decide.  Because some toxic things are one argument, one situation.  We’ve got to work through it.  Others, this is a life time pattern and you try to work through it again and again and again.  Some toxic relationships are more toxic than others. 

3.  Fact three: When it’s toxic you must act.

If you have something in your house, and you realize it’s poisonous or toxic what would you do?  You’d get it out of your house as quickly as possible.  You wouldn’t study it on the Internet for three weeks to see how poisonous it really is.  No.  You would have somebody come over as quickly as possible and get it out of your house.  When it’s toxic you have to act on it. 

One of the things that keeps us from acting on it is we want to assign levels of toxicity and whose blame it is, whose fault it is.  We get into this whole thing of, Am I the one whose toxic or are you the one whose toxic?  Or is the combination of the two of us that’s toxic?  In the end… it doesn’t matter.  In the end you’ve got to do something about it no matter what.  You could spend the rest of your life trying to assign levels of blame and some people do.  You could spend the rest of your life doing that and never do anything about the problem. 

If you do the things that we’re going to talk about together for the next few minutes it will take the toxic out of any relationship in your life.  In many cases it can bring that relationship back together some day, in some way.  But even if it doesn’t, even if the other person still remains toxic, that relationship need no longer be toxic to you.  God gives us some hope.  He gives us some things to do. 

What do we do about toxic family members?  You pray these four prayers.  That’s the place to start. 

Prayer number one: Father, strengthen me to accept my limitations. 

You wouldn’t have to be concerned about toxic people if you were superman or superwoman.  But you’re not.  You’re not indestructible.  The people who are in the most danger from toxic people are those who think they’ve got it so together that another person could never affect them badly.  You’re just a human being.  We all are.  A lot of people think, I’m a Christian.  I can handle anything. 

Last week we saw that even Jesus knew that when people were out to hurt Him, He removed Himself from that situation.  He decided not to be around toxic people.  Who am I to think that I could be better than Jesus?  You accept your limitations.  Accept what God says about who you are.  He knows us better than anybody. 

I love the picture in 2 Corinthians 4:7 about who we really are.  “We are like clay jars in which this treasure is stored.  The real power comes from God and not from us.”  Circle “clay jars.”  That’s God’s picture of us. 

Clay jars.  They’re common.  They’re easily broken.  That’s what we are.  There’s great freedom in accepting who you are.  Not trying to be the lord of the universe, something that you’re not.  Just accepting “I’m a clay jar.  God’s put a great treasure in this clay jar but I’ve got this body and it’s not going to last forever.  Sometimes I don’t always think right.  I need God’s wisdom.  Sometimes I need other people’s encouragement when I’m headed in the wrong direction.  I’m a clay jar that God wants to store His great treasure in.” 

I can’t tell you the freedom in accepting that.  You accept your limitations.  God’s picture – you’re a clay jar. 

Paul, one of the greatest Christians whoever lived, he didn’t mind admitting the fact that he had weaknesses.  2 Corinthians 12:9-10 “God told me ‘My grace is enough:  It’s all you need.  My strength comes into its own in your weakness.’ Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen.  I quit focusing on the handicap and I began appreciating the gift.  It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness.  Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations have cut me down to size- abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over.  So the weaker I get, the stronger I become.” 

There is the man who discovered the freedom of recognizing, I’m a clay jar, I have weaknesses, I can take my limitations in stride because I realize God’s going to give me strength even in the midst of my limitations.  I don’t have to pretend to be something that I’m not any more.  There is incredible freedom in that. 

I’m not God.  I have weaknesses.  I accept my limitations.  I let God work even within those.  In fact Paul was able to say, “I even take them in stride because I know God’s going to give me strength.” 

So the first prayer is,

“Father, strengthen me to accept my limitations.  Strengthen me to accept myself for who I really am, the situation for what it really is, and to look for Your strength.” 

Father, thank You that You accept us for who we are.  You accept us in our limitations.  Clay pots, cracked pots.  You accept us.  We are grateful for Your love.  In Your name.  Amen.

That’s where you start.  You ask God for the strength to accept who you are, your limitations. 

2.  Second prayer is this: Father, enable me to forgive my family.

You need to forgive everyone but we’re talking about family today so, Father,  enable me to forgive my family.  Even as I say that let me pause for a moment because I know that even that phrase sounds toxic to some of you as you hear it.  Forgive my family?  You don’t know what they did to me, you’re thinking.  I can never accept what they did to me. 

Forgiveness does not mean accepting what they did to you.  Forgiveness does not mean saying that what they did to you is ok.  What they did to you was wrong.  It may even have been evil.  Forgiveness is not saying it’s not wrong or evil. 

What does it mean to forgive?  Forgive means to release it.  It means you let it go to God.  You say to God, “Instead of me holding on to this and trying to get revenge on my own, I’m going to trust this into Your hands.  They’re a lot bigger than mine.”  If you try to hold on to it yourself it will inevitably end up in bitterness and it’ll hurt you worse than the other person is hurt.  They’ve probably forgotten about it but you’re still in bitterness over it.  So you release it.  You let it go to God.  You say, Here it is.  I let it go.  I forgive them.  I let go of my desires for revenge.  There may be some legal punishment that’s due this person.  That’s not where the joy’s going to be found or the release is going to be found.  I’m going to release it to You.  I forgive them. 

Forgiveness is a big issue in families because we’re so close to each other in families.  We hurt each other in little ways and in big ways all the time. 

Even Jesus’ first followers had to deal with this.  Matthew 18.  Peter one of the first followers of Jesus said to Jesus, “Lord, how long shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him?”  My brother could refer to a Christian brother.  But the word “my brother” sounds more personal.  The truth is Peter’s brother Andrew was another of the first followers.  So most people think he’s talking about Andrew here.  “How long shall this brother of mine that I grew up with, who’s been bugging me all my life and now he’s a disciple with me and still bugging me, how long shall I forgive that brother?” 

Then he offers up a big number “’Up to seven times?’  The rabbis of Jesus day said 3 times was the limit.  So Peter doubles that and adds one and feels safe in that.  Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say up to seven times.  But up to seventy times seven.’”

Just put yourself in Peter’s place.  You come, you’ve got this brother that’s bugging you and you offer to forgive him seven times.  That’s pretty good really.  For most of us one time would be a big offer.  Then imagine how you’d feel if Jesus came back and said, “Not seven; let’s make it seventy times seven.”  How would you feel?  Depressed, discouraged, how am I going to do that?  Why did Jesus say this to Peter?  He’s not out to depress and discourage us.  Why in the world did He say this? 

Here’s what Jesus is teaching Peter and what He’s trying to teach us.  It’s like a high jump.  Peter comes to Jesus and says “I want to make it over the jump.  Let’s set it as high as possible, let’s set it at nine feet.  And Jesus says, No.  Try nine miles.”  Why would He do that?

Here’s why.  If we set the bar at nine feet we think we can do that in our own strength and energy.  We’ll spend the rest of our lives beating ourselves against that bar trying to make it over that bar by my strength at nine feet.  But once Jesus says nine miles all of a sudden I realize, I can’t do that!  Jesus says, “Exactly!  That’s exactly what I want you to see.  You can’t forgive on your own strength.  I didn’t make you to do that.  You need My strength.”  With Jesus’ strength I can forgive. 

I don’t know about you but the only place I’ve ever found the strength to forgive others is in the fact that Jesus has forgiven me.  That’s where it comes from.  So Jesus gives him a high number not to discourage him but to say to him, You’re going to need My strength to do this.  Don’t try to do it on your own.  Father, enable me to forgive my family. 

The Bible says in Ephesians 4:32 “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you.”  Forgiveness is immediate.  And it’s total.  We forgive others just like God has forgiven us. 

But then look at Luke 17 “If you see your friend doing wrong correct him.  If he responds, forgive him.  Even if it is personal against you and repeated seven times throughout the day, and seven times he says ‘I am sorry.  I won’t do it again,’ forgive him.”  So is that verse saying you don’t forgive him until he says I want to be forgiven?  No. 

Here’s what these verses are saying.  It’s very important to understand about forgiveness.  When somebody has wronged you, you need to forgive them.  You forgive them to God immediately.  That’s what the first verse says.  Immediately in your vertical relationship to God you say, “I forgive them.”  You let it go to God. 

But when are you going to tell them, “I’ve forgiven you”?  The next verse tells you, you tell them when they come to you and say, “I know what I did was wrong.  I want you to forgive me.”  That’s when you tell them. 

The Bible says that the minute I realize I’ve got an unforgiveness issue with someone vertically I say to God, “I release it to You.”  And the moment they come to me I say to them, “I forgive you.”  You forgive it to God immediately.  You give it to their face when asked.

Even if they keep doing the same dumb thing and they keep coming back and asking for forgiveness what does Jesus say to do?  Forgive them.  This is an important place to realize the difference between forgiveness and trust.  Just because you forgive them for the same thing again and again doesn’t mean you trust them for the same thing again and again.  You keep forgiving but you don’t have to keep trusting in the same way.  Trust has to be re-earned.  Forgiveness is given again and again and again the Bible says. 

I need God’s strength to do this.  That’s why it needs to be in a prayer: Father, I pray help me.  Help me!  Strengthen me!  Give me Your strength to forgive my family. 

Jesus, thank You that You have forgiven us and in Your strength we can find the strength to forgive others.  You’ve forgiven us for so much.  Thank You.  In Your name.  Amen.

Here’s the third prayer.

3.  Father, empower me to change my thinking.

If you’re going to deal with toxic relationships you’ve got to change your thinking.  The truth is a toxic relationship is not hard to spot.  Most of us can spot that it’s there. 

In fact, if you look at television, you look at the movies… there are many, many examples in television and the movies of toxic relationships.  The Simpsons, All in the Family, Everybody Loves Raymond, Married with Children, Dallas, Revenge, Star Wars (pretty toxic relationship between father and son in Star Wars, no doubt about that)

It’s not difficult to spot them.  You can see toxic relationships.  But it’s difficult to change them.  To change them doesn’t mean to just seeing that it’s there or knowing I need to do something different.  It’s changing the way that I think.  To change the pattern I’ve got to change the way that I think.  That’s what the Bible teaches. 

We need more than good advice.  We need more than five easy steps.  We’ve got to get to the fact that before that comes something else.  The Bible calls this changing your thinking.  It calls it the renewing of your mind. 

Romans 12:1-2 “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, [the selfish patterns] but be transformed by the renewing of your mind and then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – His good, pleasing and perfect will.”  You let go of the old patterns of sin, fear, selfishness and the way to do that is to be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Before I can do something different I have to be able to think something different.  To think in a new way.  And God can do that.  That’s why you pray, “God, help me to change my thinking.”

You realize, I’ve got to change my thinking.  In order to not feel this insecurity it doesn’t mean I’ve got to get people to say good things about me.  I’ve got to change my thinking. 

That’s being renewed in your mind.  Seeing things in a new way.  Seeing that God has made each of us responsible for our choices.  I can’t be responsible for your choice nor you for mine.  I can help you.  I can encourage you.  I can strengthen you in your choice.  But in the end you’re still responsible for your choice.  And so am I responsible for my choice. 

How about a serious situation.  A person who is suffering physical abuse from another family member.  Why does that toxic situation go on and on sometimes?  Everybody knows what to do.  Everybody in this room, would probably give the same advice.  They would say, Separate yourself physically from that circumstance.  You pray that God would wake the abuser up so the abuser will get some serious help and changes will happen in his/her life that the relationship would come back together some day.  You pray that that will happen.  But if there’s physical abuse going on you get out of the house.  You get out of that situation.  Everybody knows what to do.  What keeps people from doing it?

You’ve got to have your mind renewed.  You’ve got to start to think in a new way.  This is not my problem.  This is the abuser’s problem.  I’m not the one who should be ashamed.  I’m a child of God.  I’m not meant to be punished.  I don’t deserve this.  God has a greater plan for my life.  There’s no fear in love.  Greater is He who is in me that the person who I’m afraid of.  You’ve got to renew your mind.  Have a new way of thinking. 

In these toxic situations especially when they grow very toxic sometimes it takes a long time to renew our minds.  Why is that?  God’s given us the Bible.  Why don’t our minds get renewed right away?  As soon as I read the Bible, as soon as I come to church.  I see it!  I know what to do!  Why does it take time?

Because you can’t do it by yourself.  Here’s why you can’t do it by yourself.  Here’s the problem.  Jeremiah 17:9 “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Who can understand it?”  You didn’t want to read that verse.  I didn’t either.  The heart’s deceitful?  It is.  My heart’s deceitful.  Your heart’s deceitful.  Our hearts deceive us.  So God is working to renew our mind but our heart, our mind is deceiving us.  “I don’t really need my mind renewed in that area.  I deserve this sin in my life.  I’m going to stick with that situation because it’s really ok even though God’s trying to change it.”  We deceive ourselves into staying the same when God’s trying to change us.  Is it hopeless?  We’re all deceiving ourselves.  Is it hopeless? 

No.  Because God has given us three powerful things to help us when it comes to renewing our mind.  It’s only hopeless if you try to do it by yourself.  You’re just trying to figure this out in your own mind and that’s all you have, it’s not enough.  God’s given us some resources so you’re not in this alone.  Here’s the three resources for change:  The Spirit of God, to empower you.  The word of God to enlighten you.  The community of God to encourage you. 

If you try to figure this out all on your own, you’re going to keep deceiving yourself.  But with the Spirit of God, that’s God Himself come into us.  That’s what happens when you become a believer.  He comes into us personally.  When you say, “God, I pray that Your Spirit would help me to understand this.”  And you admit your need of Him.  He’ll strengthen you in new ways.  That’s the resource. 

The word of God.  That’s the Bible.  That’s a resource.  You open it up and it helps you to see some light.  You see it in a new way. God’s word gives us the understanding that we need.

Then the community of God.  That’s the church.  That’s your small group.  That’s the people that you need in your life that can help you to see things in a new way. 

There’s a fourth prayer to pray.

4.  Father, free me to accept Your love. 

The truth is, to deal with toxic people in your life, in your family, you need to know that there is one relationship in your life that you can count on no matter what.  The only one you can count on no matter what, the only one that will never fail you, or forsake you is God Himself.  He has perfect love for you.  So you pray, “God, would You free me to accept Your love,” and you build your love for everyone else on that love. 

If you’re trying to find in some human relationship a perfect love that you can build all your other relationships on, you’ll never find it.  Everybody’s imperfect.  If you’re putting the weight of perfection on any human relationship that is toxic.  You’re going to create even in the best of relationships, you’re going to create expectations that can never be met.  So where do you start?  You start with the love of God.  You accept His love in your life.  Out of that every other love grows. 

The Bible says in 1 John 4:16 “So we know and rely on the love that God has for us.  There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.  The one who fears is not made perfect in love.  We love because He first loved us.  There is no fear in love.” 

Some of you grew up in a family, where the dad you had, the mom you had or the situation that you had, made God’s love seem confusing.  God’s love isn’t confusing.  He says there is no fear in love.  He loved you first.  Ask for the freedom to accept His love like you never had before.  You may have grown up in a family where the father figure that you had made you feel like God’s love was a hateful love, a punishing love or a conditional love that was dependent on your good behavior.  That’s not the truth about God.  The truth about God is He loved you first. 

If you have some picture in your mind that somehow God is waiting in heaven for you to prove yourself, to earn some way for him to love you, that is not the picture that Jesus gave us. 

God, give me the freedom to accept Your love for me.  How do I know God loves me?  He shows me.  1 John 4:9 “God has shown His love or us by sending His only Son into the world so that we could have life through Him.”  Jesus came for you.  That was personal.  That wasn’t just historical.  That is personal.  The cross is personal.  He died on that cross for you.  He’s showing you His love.  The resurrection is personal.  He’s showing you the kind of life He can give you.  God loves you. 

As we come to a close in this these prayers that we can pray, my prayer is that we not only pray them for the first time together here but that you’ll take this outline and put it somewhere – your refrigerator, your car – where you can pray these prayers throughout the week.  Pray them again and again.  As you pray them God will give you the strength to deal with toxic relationships. 

I want to pray this last one together.  I saved one verse because I want to pray this verse together in this last prayer. 

Prayer:

      I invite you just to talk to God and say, “Father, help me to accept Your love.  Free me to accept Your love.”  Ask God that the truth of this last verse, Romans 8, would be real in your life.  Pray “God, I pray that I would be convinced right now, today, as never before of Your love, convinced that neither death nor life, nor angels, nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation would be able to separate me from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus my Lord.  Free me right now to accept Your love.  Empower me to change my thinking.  Enable me to forgive my family, strengthen me to accept my limitations.  God, I start here by recognizing how deeply You love me.”

      Father, we thank You that You love us, that You’ve shown us that You love us, that You welcome us and You welcome us back with open arms.  Thank You.  In Jesus’ name.  Amen. 

10-20-13 Sermon

There is no audio of the sermon this week. I apologize - I hit the wrong button to record and didn't get it. Here's the transcript for you to read.

TOXIC RELIGION 

Handling Toxic People – Part 1

We’re starting a new series today that I’m calling “Handling Toxic People.”  The book of Proverbs in the Bible says there are three kinds of people.  There are wise people.  There are foolish people.  And there are evil people – bad people, wicked people.  This third group, the Bible says in Psalm 54:8 “Their poison is like the poison of serpents [snakes].”  Some people are just flat out poison.  I call them toxic people.

If a guy comes to you and every time he (or she) is with you she pokes you in the eye, the Bible doesn’t say you have to just let them keep poking you in the eye.  There’s things that you can do about that.  When the Bible talks about toxic people it uses words like “avoid,” “stay away from,”  “shun,” “separate,” “keep away from.”  It uses terms that basically say separate. 

The Bible talks about lots of different kinds of toxic people.  One of them is in 2 Timothy 2.  It says this “Stay clear of pious talk that’s only talk.  [This is the religious toxic person.  They talk a good talk.  They talk about God.  They may be regular church attenders.  But they’re not really living it.  It says…] “Stay clear of pious talk that’s only talk.  If words are not backed by a godly life they accumulate as poison in the soul.”  It’s poisonous.  It’s toxic, when people talk the talk of religion but they’re not really committed to God. 

Then he actually names names.  He says “Hymenaeus and Philetus are example of this kind of toxic person.  They’re throwing believers off stride and missing the truth by a mile.” 

So.  we’re going to do a series on “Handling Toxic People.”  But today I want to start off by talking about toxic faith, “Toxic Religion.”  There are a lot of things out there that are done in the name of God that are just bad for you.  They’re poisonous.  They can mess you up. 

Jesus had to deal with these kind of people in the Bible all the time.  In fact there were two toxic religious groups in His day.  Two different parties.  One was called the Sadducees, which were kind of the left-leaning, liberal, we-don’t-believe-in-the-resurrection, we-don’t-believe-in-heaven, we-don’t-believe-in-the-soul.  That’s why they were sad, you see!  They were kind of the theological liberals of the day.

     The other group was called the Pharisees.  They were the right wing leaning, conservative, legalists who saw as their whole job to go around to make rules and regulations for everybody else and they would be the policemen.

Jesus didn’t have a whole lot of use for either group.  In fact if you ever want to know what makes God mad go read Matthew 23.  It’s a list of seven condemnations of toxic religion.  If I were to preach a sermon on that passage I would call it “What Ticks God Off.”  He says I can’t stand this stuff that you guys are doing. 

Jesus used terms for the Pharisees like they’re hypocrites.  He said they’re blind guides.  He said they’re vipers.  He said they’re white washed tombs.  In fact He said they’re poisonous snakes.  When Jesus tells somebody that, you’ve got to figure they’re toxic.  Not only did He warn the Pharisees that they needed to change but He warned everybody else, You need to stay away from them.

Luke 12:1 “Be on your guard against the yeast of the Pharisees.”  What’s He talking about there?  He said just a little bit of yeast can get in and leaven a whole batch of bread.  Just a little bit of Phariseeism, a little bit of toxic religion in your life can ruin the whole batch.  It can mess up your life, your attitude, your friendships, your marriage.  He says you need to be aware of the yeast of the Pharisees.  You need to know that they can mess you up. 

I hate to tell you this but 2000 years later Phariseeism is alive and well.  There are still modern day Pharisees.  In fact there’s a little Pharisee in all of us.  So what I want to do today is three things.  We’re going to look at ten toxic traits.  When you see these, this is the religion you run from, you stay away from it.  Then we’re going to look at how people become toxic.  Then we’re going to look at how to deal with the toxic people in your life, whether it’s a boss, or a relative or somebody you know that every time you get with them they tend to bring pain in your life. 

First, the ten traits of toxic faith.  These are all illustrated in the lives of the Pharisees.

1.  Legalism

I call this list, How to Spot a Pharisee.  Legalism is when people are more concerned about rules than they are about people.  They’re more concerned about observing rituals than helping people’s needs.  Legalism says you’ve got to earn your way to heaven, which you can’t.  Legalism says that God only smiles on you when you’re keeping certain restrictions.  Legalism says it’s not about a relationship.  It’s about rules.  Legalists always have a huge list of rules and regulations and rituals and policies.  They love policies.  They love rules.  If you don’t have one for a particular area they’d be happy to make one for you. 

Really it comes down in life to are you going to live by rules or are you going to live by relationships?  The greater the relationship the fewer rules you need.  The greater the relationship, the greater trust.  When you have trust you don’t have to go out creating policies to keep people from getting out of line.  You just trust people.  Legalism is always about rules, not about relationships. 

How do you spot a legalistic Christian? 

Very easy.  You spot a legalistic Christian because they’re the ones who are always getting offended.  They get offended by everything.  They’ve got all their rules out there and any time you or I or anybody else doesn’t measure up they let us know that we’re not measuring up.  They’re easily disappointed.  They’re easily shocked.  They live in a state of being upset. 

Luke 11 talks about one Pharisee – verse 38.  “The Pharisee was shocked and somewhat offended when he saw that Jesus didn’t wash up for meals.”  That is a big offense!  He didn’t wash his hands.  But they’re much more interested in the legalism of did you keep certain rules. 

Jesus always offended legalists.  Because they couldn’t control Him.  They couldn’t manage Him.  They couldn’t handle Him because He had a totally different perspective on life.  Life is not about rules and regulations and rituals and policies and performance.  It’s about love and it’s about relationships.  He didn’t play by their rules and they didn’t like it. 

2.  The second characteristic toxic trait is hypocrisy.

You see this in toxic faith all the time.  You know what hypocrisy is: you don’t do what you say you believe in.  You’ve got all these rules and you push them on everybody else but you’re not keeping them yourself.

The word “hypocrisy” actually comes from two Greek works that were literally used in the old Greek plays, the tragedies.  When they would have a play, often actors held many different parts.  You have one guy playing many different roles in the play.  He comes out on stage with one mask and says a certain monologue.  Then he goes back and gets another mask and comes out and does another monologue.  He goes back and gets another mask and does another monologue.  That guy was called the play actor.  He’s always pretending. 

Hypocrite means you act different ways with different groups of people.  It’s not, what you see is what you get.  It’s like you act one way at church and you act another way with guys on the golf course.  You act another way with your kids.  You act another way at work.  You act another way in your small group.  Your life is not integrated.  You’ve got your life segmented and you act different ways.  That’s what hypocrites do.

The Bible says in Matthew 23 that the Pharisees, the toxic people, were great at hypocrisy.  He said, “They don’t practice what they preach.”  Did you know that that phrase – “They don’t practice what they preach” – that’s where it came from.  It came from that verse in the Bible. 

3.  A third thing that toxic religious people are good at is guilt trips.

Not guilt trips on themselves, but guilt trips on everybody else.  They love to make other people feel guilty.  It’s the favorite tool of toxic faith.  People who are toxic, toxic people, love to use the word “should”, “must,” “have to,” “ought to.”  They’re very good at shaming.  They’re very good at blaming, condemning, denouncing, and loading on guilt trips.  They’re pros at loading guilt on to other people’s lives.

Matthew 23:4 says “They pile up back breaking burdens and they lay them on other people’s shoulders.  [Not on their own, notice – on other people’s shoulders.]  Yet they themselves will not raise a finger to move them.” 

Have you ever known toxic person who was good at laying on guilt trips?  Have you seen Everybody Loves Raymond?  Raymond’s mother, Marie?  She’s always making people feel guilty.  They’re always saying, If you would just change then things would be great for me. 

Whenever you hear someone blaming their unhappiness on you, you know that person is toxic.  Their happiness has nothing to do with you.  Everybody is as happy as they choose to be.  Don’t blame your husband or your wife or anybody.  Happiness is a choice.  Anytime somebody tries to make their happiness dependent up on how you act, they are both a victimizer and a toxic person.  God says you don’t have to put up with that kind of stuff.  That’s toxic faith.  You are as happy as you choose to be. 

4.  Nitpicking

You know this one!  Nitpicking.  People who love to find fault are toxic.  That’s called a toxic faith.  Just always trying to get at you.  Judgmental, critical of actions.  Nothing good to say about you. Particularly critical of your words.  Toxic people like to take words and twist them. 

In fact the Bible says the Pharisees did this.  You find this sentence multiple times in the gospels:  “The Pharisees went out and made plans to trap Him in His words.”  They’re always looking for ways to catch you.  “You said this!” 

Jesus never put up with this kind of nitpicking.  He said this in Matthew 12.  He says to the Pharisees, these toxic people, “If you had any idea what this scripture means ‘I prefer a flexible heart to an inflexible ritual,’ you wouldn’t be nitpicking like this.” 

What happens is toxic people tend being black or white thinkers.  It’s either all or nothing.  There’s no gradation in between.  You’re either all bad or you’re all good.  There’s no in between.  There’s certainly no room for grace. 

That’s why Jesus says this in Matthew 23:24 “You strain out a gnat but you swallow a camel.”  Jesus was using Hebrew humor.  This is actually a sarcastic statement.  He was using humor to say, These nitpickers, they’re toxic.  They’re legalistic, they’re hypocrites, they lay on false guilt trips, they’re nitpicking.

5.  They malign motives

Whenever you get somebody talking about your motives, they’re toxic.  The reason they’re toxic is they don’t have the slightest idea what your motives are because you don’t know what your motives are.  Half the time we can’t even figure out why we do what we do.  You are a mixture and a combination of so many complex motivations.  Toxic people like to play junior psychologist.  “Let me tell you why you do what you do…” That’s a toxic person.  They are maligning motives.

This happened with Jesus all the time.  You couldn’t malign what He did.  He was perfect.  So even when He did something perfect they would malign His motivation and say, “He did it for a bad motive.” 

In fact one time Jesus did a bunch of miracles including casting out some demons out of a guy.  It says in Matthew 9:34 “The Pharisees said, ‘It is by the prince of demons that Jesus drives out demons.’”  They’re attributing God’s work to Satan.  They’re saying He’s using occult tricks.  Satan is giving Him the power to do these things.

What are they doing?  They could not put down what He had done.  They couldn’t deny the miracles.  Everybody had seen them.  They weren’t all deluded.  Instead they maligned motives.

That’s going to happen to you.  When people cannot deny your effectiveness they will attribute it to evil motivations.  In other words, toxic people if they cannot deny your actions, or attack your actions, then what they’re going to do is malign your motivation.  They do it all the time.  Jesus said you need to be aware of this. 

6.  Guilt by association.

Toxic people love to do this.   If you show love, if you show kindness you’re just civil to someone who is on their bad list, then you are by association bad.  It could be anybody they don’t agree with.  Somebody from a different political party, someone from a different religion, someone from a sinful lifestyle.  If you associate with them, then you are bad by association.

But, in order to influence somebody you have to get close them.  In order to reach someone you have to relate to them. 

Look at what happened to Jesus.  The religious establishment hated Jesus.  One of the reasons was He related to people they didn’t like.  The Bible says this in Luke 15:2 “The Pharisees complained that Jesus was associating with despicable people, even eating with them.”  People loved Jesus because He reached out to them. 

But some people, toxic people, hated Him for that very thing.  Luke 7:34 they said about Jesus, “A drunken, a glutton, a friend of tax collectors and sinners.”  They insulted Jesus, said things that weren’t even true about Him just because He related to people they didn’t like. 

If that happened to you just because you reach out to someone that someone else doesn’t like that is not a criticism.  Don’t take it that way.  That is one of the highest compliments you’re ever going to get.  Guilt by association – that’s toxic.

7.  Ridicule.

Even Jesus was ridiculed.  He was put down.  He was slandered.  He was made fun of in the crowds, even on the cross.  You can’t avoid it.  So when you’re ridiculed, Proverbs 11:12 says this “He who belittles and despises his neighbor lacks sense.” 

Little people belittle people.  They want to feel better about themselves.  They want to make themselves feel like they’re more important.  So they belittle others.  But great people make other people feel great.  They recognize the greatness of God’s love and grace in their lives they’re able to share with others how great God is and what a great life we can live in Him.  That’s the difference.

Ridicule is one of the signs of toxic faith, toxic people.  Sort of the opposite of that is…

8.  Flattery

That’s a favorite tool of toxic people.  They’ll tell you wonderful things about yourself to get closer to you but you know why they are doing it.  Deep down you know that it’s just because they want to get something from you.  They don’t care about you.  All they care about is getting close enough to you to get what they want out of you.  They want to get their way.  That’s why they’re toxic.

The Bible warns us again and again and again about flattery.  Proverbs 26:28 “Flattery is a form of hatred and it wounds cruelly.”  It may sound good at first but it wounds cruelly.  Flattery when it comes to poison it is a poison that tastes good on the tongue but once you swallow it, it can destroy your life. 

Romans 16:18 “Such people are not serving Christ our Lord.  They’re serving their own personal interest.  By smooth talk and flattery they deceive innocent people.”  That’s what’s so dangerous about flattery.  It deceives innocent people.  People who are trying to do the right thing.  That’s why it’s so toxic.

The Bible says this in Proverbs 29:5 “Those who give false praise to others are setting a trap for them.”   Who’s trying to set a trap for you right now by flattering you?  Watch out.

9.  Intimidation and pressure.

Someone who is always intimidating you, always pressuring you.  That’s a toxic person.  If you’re around someone and every time you’re around them you feel defensive, like, “I have to be defending myself,” that is a sign that that is a toxic person if you feel that way every time you are around them.  Toxic people enjoy making you feel defensive.  It makes them feel better about themselves. 

The Bible says this about Jesus and the Pharisees in Matthew 16:1 “The Pharisees were on Jesus again pressing Him to prove Himself to them.”  If you’re around someone and you feel like every time I’m around this person I have to prove myself to them again and again and again that’s a sign of a toxic person. 

10.  Gossiping

I’ve got to admit I can I go through the first nine and I think maybe none of these are me.  But when I get to gossiping that’s all of us.  You say, “I don’t gossip!”  But you like to listen.  It takes someone to talk and it takes someone to listen to make gossip happen.  We all get involved in gossip and gossip is toxic. 

The Bible says in Proverbs 10:18 “Anyone who spreads gossip is a fool.”  Gossip is toxic to faith.  It’s toxic to churches.  Gossip has destroyed, ripped apart, ruined more churches than all the false teaching ever taught put together.  It is toxic.

Proverbs 20:19 “Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets.  Therefore do not associate with anyone who gossips.” 

WHAT TURNS PEOPLE TOXIC? 

So what turns people toxic?  How does a healthy person become an unhealthy person?  How do you turn a person into a Pharisee?

1.  The number one cause of toxicity is envy. 

Envy and jealousy will rob your soul of joy.  Envy and jealousy is like taking cancer into your heart.  When you see somebody – a friend or a family member, a relative or somebody – and all of a sudden they’re succeeding and you’re not and you get envious, you’re being set up to become toxic.  You just need to be aware of it.  The moment you allow envy into your heart, toxicity has been planted. 

Do you know what put Jesus Christ on the cross?  He was perfect.  Jesus never hurt anybody.  So why did they kill the only perfect person who ever lived?  Envy.  The Bible says, “It was out of envy that they handed Jesus over to Pilate.”  The Pharisees, the toxic religious people, could not stand the popularity of Jesus.  The resented him.  They got fearful of him. 

The Bible tells us in John 4 “When the Pharisees heard that Jesus was gathering more converts than John the Baptist and that He was baptizing more converts than John the Baptist they got irritated by that.”  Jesus never baptized anybody but that’s the word that they heard.  So they got indignant about it.  The Bible tells us this, “When the Pharisees saw the wonderful things that Jesus did and they heard the children shouting, ‘Hosanna!  Hosanna to the Son of David!’  They were indignant.”  They were envious.  They got mad.  They could not handle the success of others.

Can you handle the success of other people?  Can you rejoice with those who rejoice?  Or does it make you envious.  If you get envious you’re going to get toxic. 

2.  The second thing that causes people to go toxic is money.

Money has made more people toxic than almost anything.  I have seen money destroy relationships.  I have seen money destroy marriages.  How many people have won a lottery and then three or four years later their life is a mess?  Because they could not handle what was given to them.

Jesus was a very generous person.  “God so loved the world that He gave.”  The Pharisees could not stand the fact that Jesus had no interest in money.  He said, “A man’s life does not consist in the abundance of things he possesses.”  What did the Pharisees do with that?  Luke 16:14 “When the Pharisees heard this they made fun of Jesus [They ridiculed Him] because they loved money.”

You are to love people and you are to use money.  Money is a tool.  If you love money, money becomes toxic.  Your value has nothing to do with your valuables.  Your net worth has nothing to do with your self-worth.  The greatest things in life aren’t things.  You make a living by what you get.  But you make a life by what you give.  It is only in giving your life away that you learn to truly live. 

Jesus said that the Pharisees were full of greed on the inside.  The Bible says this in Ecclesiastes 7:7 “Even wise people are fools if they let money change their thinking.” 

3.  The number one thing that makes people toxic is bitterness. 

Some people carry hurts of their past for twenty, thirty, forty years.  When you get bitter, when you don’t let the grace of God into your life and you try to handle the problems all by yourself, that makes you toxic.

The Bible says this in Hebrews 12:15 “Be careful that no one misses the grace of God  so that no root of bitterness grows up among you.”  It’s rooted in your heart.  And when it gets rooted in your heart it makes trouble because it can poison a large number of people. 

Have you ever seen bitterness poison a large number of people?  It’s about the most contagious attitude there is.  You’ve all see where some aunt or uncle in your family thirty years ago somebody did somebody wrong and they never got over it.  And they’re bitter about it.  Every time they come to the family reunion they bring the bitterness with them.

Hurt people hurt people.  When people are hurting you, count on it.  They’ve been hurt.  What they’re doing now is they’re taking their hurt and transferring it over to you.  I can’t tell you how many people have gotten mad at me as a pastor not because I was the pastor but because they didn’t like some other authority figure in their life and all of a sudden they just put it all on me. 

The source is rejecting the grace of God.  And it’s contagious.  The Bible says this in the International Children’s Bible “Be careful that no one becomes like a bitter weed, growing up among you.  A person like that can ruin all of you.” 

What are the FIRST STEPS you can take to deal with the toxic people in your life?  What does Jesus do?  You do what Jesus did with the Pharisees, the toxic people of His day.

1.  Realize it’s not about you.

Realize it’s not about you.  When somebody is toxic they’re going to try to blame it on you, they love to blame you for their pain.  But it’s not about you.  It’s about them.  As I said, you’re as happy as you choose to be.  Every time you blame somebody else for your pain you spell blame b-lame.  So every time you blame somebody else for your unhappiness you’re being lame. 

Romans 12:13 “If it is possible [If, not “it is” but if] as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”  Circle two phrases.  Circle “if”.  And circle “as far as it depends on you.”  Those are two amazing qualifiers.  I don’t know if you’ve learned this yet but it’s not always possible to live at peace.  There are some people no matter what you do they’re going to still poke you in the eye.  It doesn’t have anything to do with you.  It has to do with their pain and their hurt. 

I want you to write down three statements.  This is going to be a great stress reliever for many of you.  This is what God wants to say to you about the toxic people in your life. 

     1.  I didn’t create it.

In other words I didn’t create their toxic behavior.  It’s their choice.  “I didn’t create it.”

     2.  I can’t control it.

You can’t control anybody else’s behavior. You didn’t create their behavior and you can’t control their behavior so don’t feel guilty and don’t worry about it. 

     3.  I won’t change their behavior.

You don’t have that ability.  Don’t even try to attempt it.  When you’ve got a crazy maker, when you’ve got a toxic person in your life, it’s a waste of time to try to change them.  Why?  Because nobody changes until they decide to change.  God can change them, you can’t.  Pray for them, but don’t try to change them.

So you didn’t create it, you can’t control it, and you’re not going to change it.  So realize it’s not about you. 

2.  A second step in dealing with toxic people is, If you can, if it’s possible, disconnect and let them go.

I’m not talking about marriage in this message.  But I’m talking about people in your life who are causing you pain that you don’t have to be around.  You made no commitment to them.  You could withdraw.  This is a simple solution.  I’m going to give you a solution from the only perfect person who ever lived, Jesus Christ.  How did He handle toxic people in His life who wanted to hurt Him? 

“The Pharisees went out and they plotted [by the way have you noticed how bitter people like to get together in groups?  They all hang out together and they support each other in their toxicity.] The Pharisees went out and they plotted how they might kill Jesus.  Aware of this Jesus withdrew from that place.”  Duh!  They are plotting to kill Jesus there.  Jesus said I don’t think I’ll go there. 

It’s not rocket science folks!  You just don’t have to show up where the toxic people are.  If you’ve got a toxic person in your life that keeps calling you, change your number.  If you’ve got somebody that keeps emailing you, block that sender.  You’ve got somebody that shows up at Starbuck’s every time you’re there, choose a new Starbuck’s.  It’s real simple.  Jesus said “These are toxic people.  They mean to do Me wrong.  I think I’ll just withdraw from there.”  He’s just doing the right thing.  You pull back.  You disconnect and you let them go.  Let them go! 

So you stop trying to live your life for the approval of other people.  This is what Jesus said about people who get offended unnecessarily, in a toxic way.  Jesus had been out speaking to a crowd and He said some very tough things to the crowd.  Jesus said this “The disciples came to Jesus and they asked, ‘Do You realize that You offended the Pharisees by what You just said?’  Jesus said ‘Ignore them.  They’re blind guides leading the blind.’”  He says some people are just unpleasable.  Some people He said “Ignore them.  Get on with your life.  They’re going to have another thing they are upset about that’s next after that.” 

3.  The third step: refuse to play their game.

One of the Pharisees’ favorite games was to try to trick Jesus with questions.  They used accusatory questions.  They really don’t care about the answer.  They’re just trying to get Jesus riled up.  You need to understand that Jesus never let people manipulate Him with questions like that.  He would not play their game.

Here’s an example: “Then the Pharisees met together to think of a way to trap Jesus into saying something for which they could accuse Him.  But Jesus knew their evil motives.  ‘You hypocrites!’ He said.  ‘Who are you trying to fool with your trick questions?’”    I understand these games that you’re playing.  I’m not going to fall for this trap. 

Whenever they tried to get Jesus in a corner He refused to debate the Pharisees.  He never would debate them.  Usually when they asked Him a question, what He would do is He’d ask them a question back and keep on walking.  He just would not engage with toxic people.  He would not get hooked.  He would not engage with them. 

You don’t have to either.  The Pharisees come to Jesus and say “Lord, why do Your disciples break the traditions of the elders?”  And Jesus said, “Why do you break the commands of God in order to fulfill your traditions?”  Next question?  He did not go into any defense. 

     They came to Jesus one time and said, “Lord, the law says that anybody whose caught in adultery should be stoned to death.  What do You say?”  He could have gotten into a real debate on that one.  He goes “Fine, whoever is without sin gets to cast the first stone.”  Next question!  He just wasn’t going to let them hook Him.  He just would not play their game.  He would never back down.

The Bible says these kind of toxic people love to argue.  “Such a person has an unhealthy desire to quibble over the meaning of words.  This stirs up arguments ending in jealousy, fighting, slander and evil suspicions.  These people always cause trouble.”  Don’t play their games.

Here’s the fourth key in dealing with the toxic people in your life…

4.  Set boundaries.

No one can pressure you without your permission.  Nobody can pressure you without your permission!  Nobody’s holding a gun to your head.  You can listen to their expectations or you cannot listen to them.  The Bible says that you need to learn to set boundaries. 

Don’t let anybody enslave you to their expectations.  How many times in life have you done something you didn’t want to do, when you didn’t have the time to do it, there wasn’t a good reason to do it, it wasn’t really what you’re gifted to do.  But you did it because somebody had an expectation.  You need to learn to say no to unrealistic expectations.  You need to set boundaries in your life and don’t let people enslave you to their expectations.

Galatians 5:1 “Freedom is what we have.  Christ has set us free. Stand then as free people and do not allow yourselves to become slaves again.”  Don’t let any peer pressure put you back into bondage.  Christ set you free.  You don’t have to live with the expectations of others.

The last of these first steps of dealing with toxic people is…

5.  Live for an audience of one.

Jesus said, “I’m not worried about what other people think.  I only do that which pleases My Father which is in heaven.”  If you live for an audience of one and say “I’m only going to worry about what God wants me to do,” then it will always be the right thing.  Instead of always trying to please fifteen or twenty other people 1 Thessalonians 2 it says “We’re not trying to please men but God who tests our hearts.”  When you do that you will find great relief from trying to please everybody else. 

Here’s your choice.  Do you want to live your life with toxic religion?  Or do you want to live your life in a healthy relationship with God?  It’s your choice.

Prayer:

           “Dear God, I don’t want a toxic religion.  But I want a relationship with You.  I want to know Your truth and Your love and Your forgiveness and Your peace.  Thank You for dying for me.  Help me to understand it more.  I want to learn to love You.  I want to learn to trust You.  Set me free from toxic religion and give me the strength to deal with the toxic people in my life.  I pray this in Your name.  Amen.”