10-27-13 Sermon

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Toxic Family Members

Handling Toxic People – Part 2

10-27-13 Sermon

“Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God.”  1 John 4:7 (NIV)

Toxic is: when two people are stuck in a way of relating that’s ________________________ them both.

The facts are:

·      We ALL have _____________________________________

·      Not all toxic relationships are ________________________

·      When it’s toxic, you ________________________________

Pray these four prayers:

1.            Father, strengthen me to __________________­­_____________.

“We are like clay jars in which this treasure is stored.  The real power comes from God and not from us.”  2 Cor. 4:7 (CEV)

“And then He told me, ‘My grace is enough; it’s all you need.  My strength comes into its own in your weakness.’  Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen.  I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift.  It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness.  Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks.  I just let Christ take over!  And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.” 2 Cor. 12:9-10 (Msg)

2.            Father, enable me to ____________­­____________________. 

“’Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him?  Up to seven times?’ Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.’”

Matthew 18:21-22 (NAS)

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”  Eph. 4:32 (NIV)

“If you see your friend going wrong, correct him.  If he responds, forgive him.  Even if it’s personal against you and repeated seven times through the day, and seven times he says, ‘I’m sorry, I won’t do it again,’ forgive him.”  Luke 17:3-4 (Msg)

3.            Father, empower me to ________________­­_________________.

“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – His good, pleasing and perfect will.”  Romans 12:2 (NIV)

Problem!

“The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Who can understand it?” 

 Jeremiah 17:9 (NIV)

Resources for change:

The _____________­­________________ of God to E__________________ you.

The ____________­­______________ of God to E____________________ you.

The ______________________­­______________ of God to E____________________ you.

4.            Father, free me _______­­_____________________________.

“And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.  There is no fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.  The one who fears is not made perfect in love.  We love because He first loved us.”  1 John 4:16a,18-19 (NIV)

“God has shown us His love by sending His only Son into the world so that we could have life through Him.”  1 John 4:9 (GW)

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”  Romans 8:38-39 (NIV)

Toxic Family Members

Handling Toxic People – Part 2

10-27-13 Sermon

We’re in week two of this series on “Handling Toxic People.”  Last week we talked about toxic religion. Today we’re going to talk about “Toxic Family Members.”  To start this off, I’d like to read a verse that really is the goal of all of us.  1 John 4:7 “Dear friends, let us love one another for love comes from God.”  With this whole series about toxic people in our lives really the goal is love.  We wouldn’t even be concerned about it if we didn’t have the goal to love other people.  We’d just write them off.  So the goal is love.  Sometimes when we try to love it can get toxic and we need help.  Other times it can be good and there’s joy in it.  We want to find out how do I love in any and every circumstance of life.  Even in the difficult circumstances.  The goal is love.

The idea here is that there are some people that to love them we have to realize that they are toxic.  We’ve got to work through that.

Since we’re talking about toxic people it’s important to define this.  This isn’t just about irritating people.  There are some people in your family that irritate you.  Everybody in your family irritates you sometimes.  That’s just the way it is.  So if you were going to get away from irritating people we’d all live on desert islands because we’d all be irritated with each other. 

This is toxic people.  This is something different.  How do you recognize a toxic family member?  What does a toxic family member look like?  What are we talking about?

Definition: toxic is when two people are stuck in a way of relating that is poisoning them both.  It’s hurting them both.  They just can’t seem to move on.  It’s all hurt from each other, no help from each other, no hope from each other.  That’s what it means to be toxic.  That’s what we’re talking about. 

Before we begin to look at some answers – because God does have some answers for us – before we begin to look at some answers, just a few facts about toxic family members. 

1.  Fact number one is we all have toxic family members. 

You’re not alone in this.  We all struggle with this.  In fact, look at the Bible.  Genesis, the first brother killed the first brother.  That’s fairly toxic you have to admit. 

         Abraham had a child by his wife’s maid and then later puts them out into the desert to die.  That’s a toxic family relationship.  Worse than soap operas if you think about it. 

         Joseph’s eleven brothers want to kill him.  But then they figure it’d be a better financial situation if they would just sell him into slavery so they do that.  That’s a toxic relationship. 

         Lot’s two daughters decide to get their father drunk so they can have children by their father.  Extremely toxic.

         You have Jacob trying to trick his blind father out of an inheritance.

And all this we’re talking about is just in the first book of the Bible.  We haven’t gotten past the first book yet.  Some of you are thinking, “My family looks pretty good compared to some of these families in the Bible.”  Maybe that’s the point.  Some of you could go home right now with some hope because you realize you’re not alone.  Other people are facing this. 

The truth is you see in the first pages of the Bible all the things that make families toxic – jealousy, entitlement, lying, favoritism, unfair expectations, fear, power struggle, materialism, sexual sin, anger, apathy, selfishness.  It’s all there.  Some of you have experienced that.  That’s what we mean when we talk about toxic. 

When we talk about toxic relationships, being imperfect or being sinful isn’t what makes the relationship toxic.  We are all imperfect.  We are all sinful.  What makes the relationship toxic is getting stuck.  You get stuck in your sin.  You get stuck in the past.  You get stuck in unforgiveness.  You get stuck in bitterness.  You get stuck in unhealthy patterns.  That’s what makes it toxic. 

2.  Fact number two is not all toxic relationships are equal.

Would you agree that some people are more toxic than others?  Some poisonous situations last longer than others. 

The radioactive element that has the longest half-life, that stays radioactive the longest, is Uranium 238.  That has a half-life of 4.5 billion years.  That’s a long half-life.  The element with the shortest half-life that’s radioactive is radon 222.  It has a half-life of 3.8 days. 

So when it comes to a toxic relationship you have to decide.  Is this a 3.8-day toxic relationship?  Is this a 4.5 billion years toxic relationship?  You have to decide.  Because some toxic things are one argument, one situation.  We’ve got to work through it.  Others, this is a life time pattern and you try to work through it again and again and again.  Some toxic relationships are more toxic than others. 

3.  Fact three: When it’s toxic you must act.

If you have something in your house, and you realize it’s poisonous or toxic what would you do?  You’d get it out of your house as quickly as possible.  You wouldn’t study it on the Internet for three weeks to see how poisonous it really is.  No.  You would have somebody come over as quickly as possible and get it out of your house.  When it’s toxic you have to act on it. 

One of the things that keeps us from acting on it is we want to assign levels of toxicity and whose blame it is, whose fault it is.  We get into this whole thing of, Am I the one whose toxic or are you the one whose toxic?  Or is the combination of the two of us that’s toxic?  In the end… it doesn’t matter.  In the end you’ve got to do something about it no matter what.  You could spend the rest of your life trying to assign levels of blame and some people do.  You could spend the rest of your life doing that and never do anything about the problem. 

If you do the things that we’re going to talk about together for the next few minutes it will take the toxic out of any relationship in your life.  In many cases it can bring that relationship back together some day, in some way.  But even if it doesn’t, even if the other person still remains toxic, that relationship need no longer be toxic to you.  God gives us some hope.  He gives us some things to do. 

What do we do about toxic family members?  You pray these four prayers.  That’s the place to start. 

Prayer number one: Father, strengthen me to accept my limitations. 

You wouldn’t have to be concerned about toxic people if you were superman or superwoman.  But you’re not.  You’re not indestructible.  The people who are in the most danger from toxic people are those who think they’ve got it so together that another person could never affect them badly.  You’re just a human being.  We all are.  A lot of people think, I’m a Christian.  I can handle anything. 

Last week we saw that even Jesus knew that when people were out to hurt Him, He removed Himself from that situation.  He decided not to be around toxic people.  Who am I to think that I could be better than Jesus?  You accept your limitations.  Accept what God says about who you are.  He knows us better than anybody. 

I love the picture in 2 Corinthians 4:7 about who we really are.  “We are like clay jars in which this treasure is stored.  The real power comes from God and not from us.”  Circle “clay jars.”  That’s God’s picture of us. 

Clay jars.  They’re common.  They’re easily broken.  That’s what we are.  There’s great freedom in accepting who you are.  Not trying to be the lord of the universe, something that you’re not.  Just accepting “I’m a clay jar.  God’s put a great treasure in this clay jar but I’ve got this body and it’s not going to last forever.  Sometimes I don’t always think right.  I need God’s wisdom.  Sometimes I need other people’s encouragement when I’m headed in the wrong direction.  I’m a clay jar that God wants to store His great treasure in.” 

I can’t tell you the freedom in accepting that.  You accept your limitations.  God’s picture – you’re a clay jar. 

Paul, one of the greatest Christians whoever lived, he didn’t mind admitting the fact that he had weaknesses.  2 Corinthians 12:9-10 “God told me ‘My grace is enough:  It’s all you need.  My strength comes into its own in your weakness.’ Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen.  I quit focusing on the handicap and I began appreciating the gift.  It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness.  Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations have cut me down to size- abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over.  So the weaker I get, the stronger I become.” 

There is the man who discovered the freedom of recognizing, I’m a clay jar, I have weaknesses, I can take my limitations in stride because I realize God’s going to give me strength even in the midst of my limitations.  I don’t have to pretend to be something that I’m not any more.  There is incredible freedom in that. 

I’m not God.  I have weaknesses.  I accept my limitations.  I let God work even within those.  In fact Paul was able to say, “I even take them in stride because I know God’s going to give me strength.” 

So the first prayer is,

“Father, strengthen me to accept my limitations.  Strengthen me to accept myself for who I really am, the situation for what it really is, and to look for Your strength.” 

Father, thank You that You accept us for who we are.  You accept us in our limitations.  Clay pots, cracked pots.  You accept us.  We are grateful for Your love.  In Your name.  Amen.

That’s where you start.  You ask God for the strength to accept who you are, your limitations. 

2.  Second prayer is this: Father, enable me to forgive my family.

You need to forgive everyone but we’re talking about family today so, Father,  enable me to forgive my family.  Even as I say that let me pause for a moment because I know that even that phrase sounds toxic to some of you as you hear it.  Forgive my family?  You don’t know what they did to me, you’re thinking.  I can never accept what they did to me. 

Forgiveness does not mean accepting what they did to you.  Forgiveness does not mean saying that what they did to you is ok.  What they did to you was wrong.  It may even have been evil.  Forgiveness is not saying it’s not wrong or evil. 

What does it mean to forgive?  Forgive means to release it.  It means you let it go to God.  You say to God, “Instead of me holding on to this and trying to get revenge on my own, I’m going to trust this into Your hands.  They’re a lot bigger than mine.”  If you try to hold on to it yourself it will inevitably end up in bitterness and it’ll hurt you worse than the other person is hurt.  They’ve probably forgotten about it but you’re still in bitterness over it.  So you release it.  You let it go to God.  You say, Here it is.  I let it go.  I forgive them.  I let go of my desires for revenge.  There may be some legal punishment that’s due this person.  That’s not where the joy’s going to be found or the release is going to be found.  I’m going to release it to You.  I forgive them. 

Forgiveness is a big issue in families because we’re so close to each other in families.  We hurt each other in little ways and in big ways all the time. 

Even Jesus’ first followers had to deal with this.  Matthew 18.  Peter one of the first followers of Jesus said to Jesus, “Lord, how long shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him?”  My brother could refer to a Christian brother.  But the word “my brother” sounds more personal.  The truth is Peter’s brother Andrew was another of the first followers.  So most people think he’s talking about Andrew here.  “How long shall this brother of mine that I grew up with, who’s been bugging me all my life and now he’s a disciple with me and still bugging me, how long shall I forgive that brother?” 

Then he offers up a big number “’Up to seven times?’  The rabbis of Jesus day said 3 times was the limit.  So Peter doubles that and adds one and feels safe in that.  Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say up to seven times.  But up to seventy times seven.’”

Just put yourself in Peter’s place.  You come, you’ve got this brother that’s bugging you and you offer to forgive him seven times.  That’s pretty good really.  For most of us one time would be a big offer.  Then imagine how you’d feel if Jesus came back and said, “Not seven; let’s make it seventy times seven.”  How would you feel?  Depressed, discouraged, how am I going to do that?  Why did Jesus say this to Peter?  He’s not out to depress and discourage us.  Why in the world did He say this? 

Here’s what Jesus is teaching Peter and what He’s trying to teach us.  It’s like a high jump.  Peter comes to Jesus and says “I want to make it over the jump.  Let’s set it as high as possible, let’s set it at nine feet.  And Jesus says, No.  Try nine miles.”  Why would He do that?

Here’s why.  If we set the bar at nine feet we think we can do that in our own strength and energy.  We’ll spend the rest of our lives beating ourselves against that bar trying to make it over that bar by my strength at nine feet.  But once Jesus says nine miles all of a sudden I realize, I can’t do that!  Jesus says, “Exactly!  That’s exactly what I want you to see.  You can’t forgive on your own strength.  I didn’t make you to do that.  You need My strength.”  With Jesus’ strength I can forgive. 

I don’t know about you but the only place I’ve ever found the strength to forgive others is in the fact that Jesus has forgiven me.  That’s where it comes from.  So Jesus gives him a high number not to discourage him but to say to him, You’re going to need My strength to do this.  Don’t try to do it on your own.  Father, enable me to forgive my family. 

The Bible says in Ephesians 4:32 “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you.”  Forgiveness is immediate.  And it’s total.  We forgive others just like God has forgiven us. 

But then look at Luke 17 “If you see your friend doing wrong correct him.  If he responds, forgive him.  Even if it is personal against you and repeated seven times throughout the day, and seven times he says ‘I am sorry.  I won’t do it again,’ forgive him.”  So is that verse saying you don’t forgive him until he says I want to be forgiven?  No. 

Here’s what these verses are saying.  It’s very important to understand about forgiveness.  When somebody has wronged you, you need to forgive them.  You forgive them to God immediately.  That’s what the first verse says.  Immediately in your vertical relationship to God you say, “I forgive them.”  You let it go to God. 

But when are you going to tell them, “I’ve forgiven you”?  The next verse tells you, you tell them when they come to you and say, “I know what I did was wrong.  I want you to forgive me.”  That’s when you tell them. 

The Bible says that the minute I realize I’ve got an unforgiveness issue with someone vertically I say to God, “I release it to You.”  And the moment they come to me I say to them, “I forgive you.”  You forgive it to God immediately.  You give it to their face when asked.

Even if they keep doing the same dumb thing and they keep coming back and asking for forgiveness what does Jesus say to do?  Forgive them.  This is an important place to realize the difference between forgiveness and trust.  Just because you forgive them for the same thing again and again doesn’t mean you trust them for the same thing again and again.  You keep forgiving but you don’t have to keep trusting in the same way.  Trust has to be re-earned.  Forgiveness is given again and again and again the Bible says. 

I need God’s strength to do this.  That’s why it needs to be in a prayer: Father, I pray help me.  Help me!  Strengthen me!  Give me Your strength to forgive my family. 

Jesus, thank You that You have forgiven us and in Your strength we can find the strength to forgive others.  You’ve forgiven us for so much.  Thank You.  In Your name.  Amen.

Here’s the third prayer.

3.  Father, empower me to change my thinking.

If you’re going to deal with toxic relationships you’ve got to change your thinking.  The truth is a toxic relationship is not hard to spot.  Most of us can spot that it’s there. 

In fact, if you look at television, you look at the movies… there are many, many examples in television and the movies of toxic relationships.  The Simpsons, All in the Family, Everybody Loves Raymond, Married with Children, Dallas, Revenge, Star Wars (pretty toxic relationship between father and son in Star Wars, no doubt about that)

It’s not difficult to spot them.  You can see toxic relationships.  But it’s difficult to change them.  To change them doesn’t mean to just seeing that it’s there or knowing I need to do something different.  It’s changing the way that I think.  To change the pattern I’ve got to change the way that I think.  That’s what the Bible teaches. 

We need more than good advice.  We need more than five easy steps.  We’ve got to get to the fact that before that comes something else.  The Bible calls this changing your thinking.  It calls it the renewing of your mind. 

Romans 12:1-2 “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, [the selfish patterns] but be transformed by the renewing of your mind and then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – His good, pleasing and perfect will.”  You let go of the old patterns of sin, fear, selfishness and the way to do that is to be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Before I can do something different I have to be able to think something different.  To think in a new way.  And God can do that.  That’s why you pray, “God, help me to change my thinking.”

You realize, I’ve got to change my thinking.  In order to not feel this insecurity it doesn’t mean I’ve got to get people to say good things about me.  I’ve got to change my thinking. 

That’s being renewed in your mind.  Seeing things in a new way.  Seeing that God has made each of us responsible for our choices.  I can’t be responsible for your choice nor you for mine.  I can help you.  I can encourage you.  I can strengthen you in your choice.  But in the end you’re still responsible for your choice.  And so am I responsible for my choice. 

How about a serious situation.  A person who is suffering physical abuse from another family member.  Why does that toxic situation go on and on sometimes?  Everybody knows what to do.  Everybody in this room, would probably give the same advice.  They would say, Separate yourself physically from that circumstance.  You pray that God would wake the abuser up so the abuser will get some serious help and changes will happen in his/her life that the relationship would come back together some day.  You pray that that will happen.  But if there’s physical abuse going on you get out of the house.  You get out of that situation.  Everybody knows what to do.  What keeps people from doing it?

You’ve got to have your mind renewed.  You’ve got to start to think in a new way.  This is not my problem.  This is the abuser’s problem.  I’m not the one who should be ashamed.  I’m a child of God.  I’m not meant to be punished.  I don’t deserve this.  God has a greater plan for my life.  There’s no fear in love.  Greater is He who is in me that the person who I’m afraid of.  You’ve got to renew your mind.  Have a new way of thinking. 

In these toxic situations especially when they grow very toxic sometimes it takes a long time to renew our minds.  Why is that?  God’s given us the Bible.  Why don’t our minds get renewed right away?  As soon as I read the Bible, as soon as I come to church.  I see it!  I know what to do!  Why does it take time?

Because you can’t do it by yourself.  Here’s why you can’t do it by yourself.  Here’s the problem.  Jeremiah 17:9 “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Who can understand it?”  You didn’t want to read that verse.  I didn’t either.  The heart’s deceitful?  It is.  My heart’s deceitful.  Your heart’s deceitful.  Our hearts deceive us.  So God is working to renew our mind but our heart, our mind is deceiving us.  “I don’t really need my mind renewed in that area.  I deserve this sin in my life.  I’m going to stick with that situation because it’s really ok even though God’s trying to change it.”  We deceive ourselves into staying the same when God’s trying to change us.  Is it hopeless?  We’re all deceiving ourselves.  Is it hopeless? 

No.  Because God has given us three powerful things to help us when it comes to renewing our mind.  It’s only hopeless if you try to do it by yourself.  You’re just trying to figure this out in your own mind and that’s all you have, it’s not enough.  God’s given us some resources so you’re not in this alone.  Here’s the three resources for change:  The Spirit of God, to empower you.  The word of God to enlighten you.  The community of God to encourage you. 

If you try to figure this out all on your own, you’re going to keep deceiving yourself.  But with the Spirit of God, that’s God Himself come into us.  That’s what happens when you become a believer.  He comes into us personally.  When you say, “God, I pray that Your Spirit would help me to understand this.”  And you admit your need of Him.  He’ll strengthen you in new ways.  That’s the resource. 

The word of God.  That’s the Bible.  That’s a resource.  You open it up and it helps you to see some light.  You see it in a new way. God’s word gives us the understanding that we need.

Then the community of God.  That’s the church.  That’s your small group.  That’s the people that you need in your life that can help you to see things in a new way. 

There’s a fourth prayer to pray.

4.  Father, free me to accept Your love. 

The truth is, to deal with toxic people in your life, in your family, you need to know that there is one relationship in your life that you can count on no matter what.  The only one you can count on no matter what, the only one that will never fail you, or forsake you is God Himself.  He has perfect love for you.  So you pray, “God, would You free me to accept Your love,” and you build your love for everyone else on that love. 

If you’re trying to find in some human relationship a perfect love that you can build all your other relationships on, you’ll never find it.  Everybody’s imperfect.  If you’re putting the weight of perfection on any human relationship that is toxic.  You’re going to create even in the best of relationships, you’re going to create expectations that can never be met.  So where do you start?  You start with the love of God.  You accept His love in your life.  Out of that every other love grows. 

The Bible says in 1 John 4:16 “So we know and rely on the love that God has for us.  There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.  The one who fears is not made perfect in love.  We love because He first loved us.  There is no fear in love.” 

Some of you grew up in a family, where the dad you had, the mom you had or the situation that you had, made God’s love seem confusing.  God’s love isn’t confusing.  He says there is no fear in love.  He loved you first.  Ask for the freedom to accept His love like you never had before.  You may have grown up in a family where the father figure that you had made you feel like God’s love was a hateful love, a punishing love or a conditional love that was dependent on your good behavior.  That’s not the truth about God.  The truth about God is He loved you first. 

If you have some picture in your mind that somehow God is waiting in heaven for you to prove yourself, to earn some way for him to love you, that is not the picture that Jesus gave us. 

God, give me the freedom to accept Your love for me.  How do I know God loves me?  He shows me.  1 John 4:9 “God has shown His love or us by sending His only Son into the world so that we could have life through Him.”  Jesus came for you.  That was personal.  That wasn’t just historical.  That is personal.  The cross is personal.  He died on that cross for you.  He’s showing you His love.  The resurrection is personal.  He’s showing you the kind of life He can give you.  God loves you. 

As we come to a close in this these prayers that we can pray, my prayer is that we not only pray them for the first time together here but that you’ll take this outline and put it somewhere – your refrigerator, your car – where you can pray these prayers throughout the week.  Pray them again and again.  As you pray them God will give you the strength to deal with toxic relationships. 

I want to pray this last one together.  I saved one verse because I want to pray this verse together in this last prayer. 

Prayer:

      I invite you just to talk to God and say, “Father, help me to accept Your love.  Free me to accept Your love.”  Ask God that the truth of this last verse, Romans 8, would be real in your life.  Pray “God, I pray that I would be convinced right now, today, as never before of Your love, convinced that neither death nor life, nor angels, nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation would be able to separate me from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus my Lord.  Free me right now to accept Your love.  Empower me to change my thinking.  Enable me to forgive my family, strengthen me to accept my limitations.  God, I start here by recognizing how deeply You love me.”

      Father, we thank You that You love us, that You’ve shown us that You love us, that You welcome us and You welcome us back with open arms.  Thank You.  In Jesus’ name.  Amen.