11-10-13 Sermon

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Toxic Co-Workers

Handling Toxic People, Part 3

11-10-13 Sermon

We’re finishing the series called “Handling Toxic People.”  Today I’m talking about working with toxic co-workers.  The work environment and the stress connected to it bring out the very best in people.  But it also brings out the very, very worst in people as well.  There are toxic people in the workplace. 

Even if you’re not in the workplace right now… you’re a stay at home parent or somebody whose retired or you’re not working, here’s the trick about toxic people.  Toxic people don’t stay toxic just in the marketplace.  When they leave their jobs they then go to the neighborhoods.  They coach Little League teams.  They drive cars.  They shop in your stores.  They sit in Parent Teacher Association meetings.  They work at McDonalds.  Dare I say … they also go to church. 

All that to say, I don’t have a ton of experience in the secular marketplace but I have plenty of experience with people.  Toxic people in and outside the marketplace.  I also know God’s word.  And I know God’s word is going to be very helpful to us as we learn how to deal with toxic people. 

What is a toxic co-worker? There may be people that you work with that you don’t like for whatever reason – they make more money than you do, they have a better office than you do, you don’t know what the boss sees in them.  Whatever.  That doesn’t make them toxic.  You may not like them because maybe they are more successful than you are.  And that’s created toxin in you.  You may be the toxic person in that situation.  I want you to understand what is toxic and what isn’t. 

And, people sometimes have bad days.  Isn’t that fair?  You’ve had a bad day in the marketplace occasionally.  You yell.  You say something you shouldn’t have said.  You get into arguments.  You manipulate.  You leverage for position.  You do things.  But that doesn’t make you toxic. 

A toxic person is somebody who does that all the time.  Every day.  A toxic person is the person you get so mad when you try to describe this person, you can’t adequately describe them so you say, “He (or she) are just a ­­__________.”  I didn’t tell you what word to put there but it’s probably not a nice word.  That person is a toxic person. 

Research says that those types of people invade organizations all the time.  Every organization, every marketplace has somebody.  Even churches.

I put in your notes a definition of a toxic co-worker as: a toxic co-worker makes me feel worse about myself with every interaction.  So whether you’re in a meeting with this person or you just run into them at the water cooler, going into the office, out of the office, lunch break – whatever it is – when you walk away from that person you just kind of feel like you need to shower.  You feel de-energized or attacked or humiliated or disrespected.  This person becomes an expert at sucking the joy out of your life that you used to have for work.  A toxic person makes me feel worse about myself with every interaction.

The toxic person doesn’t have to be the stereotypical angry male who has anger management issues.  It doesn’t have to be the boss who has ego bigger than Donald Trump.  A toxic person can be quiet.  They can be passive aggressive.  They can kill you with their silence.  They can manipulate your emotions.  They can back stab and go after you when you’re not paying attention. 

The last couple sermons we have looked at some specific ways of dealing with toxic people.  You need to evaluate your own behavior.  What do I contribute to this toxic environment?  Secondly, you separate yourself from the toxic person.  And thirdly, you refuse to play their game.  Because toxic people want to invite you into their game. 

It’s nice advice to say separate yourself from the toxic person.  The problem is in the marketplace when you’re not the boss it’s difficult to do that.  When your job is your livelihood.  It’s what puts food on the table.  You can’t say every time I run into a toxic person in the marketplace I just jump to a new job because every new job is going to have a toxic person there.  They’re everywhere.

But I do believe that you can limit their impact and influence on your life.  Let’s don’t be so naïve to think that toxic people don’t affect us.  Toxic people affect our lives.  They get their toxin in us.  They harden you.  They make you more cynical.  They make you more negative.  And when you leave the marketplace you then take the toxin home with you.  And you spread it to other people and it affects the way you treat other people.  Bottom line: toxic co-workers make us worse people. 

Here’s the question: How do you limit their influence on your life? 

I want to go after that.  I want to focus on Proverbs.  The book of helps us with everyday living.  As a matter of fact if you’ve never read Proverbs before especially if you’re a worker you ought to read it.  There’s thirty-one chapters.  You could read a chapter a day.  Whatever day it is, go to that chapter and read it.  It has so much to say about how you relate to other people and integrity.  It talks about gossip and laziness, honoring your employer, how to be a faithful friend.  Basically, how to deal with fools and not become one. 

I’m convinced that if you’re going to keep toxic people from impacting your life in the marketplace you need wisdom.  Wisdom at work.  And I want to show this to you from the book of Proverbs.

How do you put wisdom to work at work?  There’s two pictures that I want you to see.  One is kind of a negative picture.  One is kind of a positive picture of wisdom. 

The first picture I want you to see is in Proverbs 2, starting in verse 12.  Basically I believe this is describing a toxic person.  “Wisdom will save you from evil people, from those whose speech is corrupt.  These people turn from right ways to walk down dark and evil paths.  They rejoice in doing wrong.  They enjoy evil because it turns things upside down.  What they do is crooked and their ways are wrong.” 

If we pause right there that just defines a toxic person.  Their speech is corrupt.  They avoid what is right.  They walk down the wrong paths.  They rejoice in doing wrong.  They love when their moods turn things upside down.  Basically the methods of toxic people are wrong in every way. 

If you look at the next few verses 16-18, it says here’s what a toxic person looks like specifically.  Actually it gives a metaphor of an immoral woman.  Why an immoral woman and not an immoral man?  Because Proverbs was written to young men so it describes the immoral woman.  If it was written to young women it would describe an immoral man.  See the image of the immoral woman by a door and how wisdom keeps you from walking into her door. 

“Wisdom will save you from the immoral woman, from the flattery of the adulterous woman.  She has abandoned her husband and ignores the covenant she made before God.  Entering her house leads to death; it is the road to hell.  The man who visits her is doomed.  He will never reach the path of life.”

It’s saying wisdom is going to keep you from playing her game, the toxic game.  It’s going to keep you from entering her house.  It’s going to keep you from living her way.  Wisdom is going to help you experience life as God intended it to be lived. 

The second passage, Proverbs 3 has a little more of an up feel to it.  It connects wisdom with happiness.  3:13 “Happy is the person who finds wisdom and gains understanding.  For the profit of wisdom is better than silver and her wages are better than gold.  Wisdom is more precious than rubies; nothing you desire can compare with her.  She offers you life in her right hand, and riches and honor in her left.  She will guide you down delightful paths; all her ways are satisfying.  Wisdom is a tree of life for those who embrace her; happy are those who hold her tightly.” 

Ladies, did you notice anything about the language there?  Wisdom was “she… her…” If you’re a woman that ought to make you feel good.  When women get too excited about that you just flip over to Proverbs 11:22 that says “A woman who is beautiful but lacks wisdom is like a gold ring in a pig’s snout.”  All that to say, Don’t get too cocky ladies!

If you’re going to win at work, if you’re not going to let toxic people invade your life and make you worse people you need wisdom.

Let’s pause for a second and say what is wisdom?  Wisdom is different than intelligence.  There’s a lot of brilliant people who don’t have wisdom.  There’s PhDs and Doctors and brilliant people who don’t have wisdom.  Why?  Because wisdom comes from God.  Wisdom is an unusual insight into life and people.  When you display wisdom is like, Whoa!  Where’d that come from? 

It’s unusual and it’s uncommon but it’s very accessable.  Please hear that!  I don’t want you to walk away thinking, “I could never have wisdom.”  Yes, you can.  The Bible says Proverbs 2:6, “The Lord gives wisdom.”  Where do you get wisdom from?  God.  What is wisdom?  It’s an unusual insight into life and people. 

Here’s kind of a synopsis of this verse in Proverbs 9:11-12, a synopsis of wisdom.  “Wisdom will multiply your days and add years to your life.  If you become wise, you’ll be the one to benefit.  But if you scorn wisdom, you will be the one to suffer.” 

I just put a little summary statement together.  What are we saying?  The lack of wisdom leads no where.  The Bible describes it in even harsher terms.  It says you’re a fool.  The lack of wisdom is foolishness.  Gaining wisdom leads everywhere. 

Now let’s talk about this gaining wisdom.  We can get wisdom from God.  How do we put wisdom into work?  Wisdom at work requires me to do a few things.  I have a few action steps.  A couple before work, a couple at work. 

First, wisdom at work requires me to recognize the bigger issues at work.

What do I mean by “bigger issues”?  When I was talking about toxic family members I said we have to realize I can’t control other people and I can’t force others to change.  Those are big issues.  When I go into the marketplace, if I think I can control somebody or change somebody I’m going to be totally disappointed.  The bigger issue is I can’t control people, I can’t change people.  I can only control and change myself. 

Here’s a third one.  I think if you can get your arms around this one it will be really helpful in the marketplace.  Imperfect people sin and cause damage. 

When I sin, I am disobeying God’s ways and God’s standards for how to live life.  So people who disobey God are going to hurt other people because sin causes damage.  When I sin I damage myself and most of the time I damage other people around me.  Sin has caused incredibly intelligent people to do amazingly stupid things. 

So, don’t be surprised when people are hurtful.  Don’t be surprised when they’re mean spirited or selfish or political or leveraging for position.  When somebody treats you as less than human don’t be surprised.  Actually be saddened.  Because sin has impacted that person’s life.  Toxic people have experienced so much hurt in their life that’s why they’re toxic.  They’ve been hurt and wounded and sin is controlling their life.  So the only thing they know how to spill out is more sin, disobedience to God’s ways.  It’s not only hurting you, it’s also hurting them as well.  They’re trapped in their sin.  Proverbs 29 “Evil people are trapped by sin.” 

If you are a Christian,  you asked God to invade your life and here’s what God did.  God forgave you of your sin.  He invaded your life with His Spirit.  With His Spirit comes His power and because you have His Spirit you are now able to access His wisdom. 

When you access His wisdom, it comes with a different expectation.  The expectation is that you are to relate to people differently.  That’s the expectation of a follower of Christ.  People should be surprised when followers of Christ aren’t loving.  But think about this.  Why would we place that same expectation on people who aren’t followers of Christ?  It’s not a fair expectation. 

I’m not saying that non-Christians can’t be loving.  I know a lot of non-Christians who are very loving people.  But I’m saying as a Christian I shouldn’t expect that.  But when God’s Spirit enters your life and forgave you and cleansed you and set you on a new path and filled you with His presence and gave you His power, there is an expectation for YOU to be different.  That’s what it means to be a follower of Christ.  To be different. 

You don’t expect people to act like Christians until they become Christians.  Why would you expect a person’s heart to change until something has changed his/her heart? 

You take that principle and you apply it to the marketplace with co-workers who are bitter and nasty and ugly.  You think their entire life is such a disaster that maybe the only place they have any feeling of control or power is at work.  When they kiss up to their boss and they kick down at everybody else in the organization. 

I’m not saying what they do is right.  I’m just saying that a heart filled with sin is going to leak into one’s behavior.  If you’re a follower of Jesus Christ instead of looking at that toxic co-worker with disgust, you need to look at that toxic co-worker with compassion.  And figure out how to display compassion towards them. 

Will that compassion change them?  I don’t know.  It’ll change you.  And it will limit the effectiveness of the impact of their toxin on your life.  This is a big one.  I’ve got to recognize that there are bigger issues at work and once I recognize there’re bigger issues at work I’ve got to do the second thing.

I’ve got to ask for God’s wisdom.

What I’m suggesting here is that prior to you ever stepping foot into work you have some time where you ask God for His wisdom.  This is where you’re preparing your soul for a sinful marketplace.  That you want to be so filled with God’s presence and access His wisdom you say, “God, the Bible says You give wisdom.  Would You give me a strong portion of Your wisdom that I can’t seem to bring on my own.”  

Proverbs 4 “Getting wisdom is the most important thing you can do!.... If you prize wisdom, she will exalt you.  Embrace her and she will honor you.”  Honestly I don’t want to get so legalistic as to tell you when you need to do this.  I don’t care when.  If it’s early in the morning great.  If it’s on your way to work, driving in the car, great.  I don’t care when you do it. 

Here’s what I care about.  Before you enter the marketplace you ask God for His wisdom so you can respond to that toxic person not on your own power but on God’s power. 

When you’ve asked God for His wisdom, what wisdom allows us to do is it allows us to respond to people rather than to react to people.  When I react to somebody, I react in what comes naturally.  When I respond to people I respond with what is inside of me.  When God’s Spirit fills you up the Bible says in Galatians 5 there are fruit of His Spirit, or there are results of His Spirit that should be seen in the life of a believer.  Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, self-control.  That’s the fruit of the Spirit.  You ask for God’s wisdom to know when to display that.  You get right with God so you can face that person who isn’t really right with anyone. 

Recognize there are bigger issues at work.  Ask for God’s wisdom.  When you get to work I want to encourage you to…

Avoid the toxic open doors.

I talked about this the last few weeks.  I put “open doors” there because I’m referencing that passage from Proverbs where that immoral person is standing at the door. Here’s the image.  When you go to the marketplace and you have that toxic person, the toxic person stands by the door and tries to get you to walk into their game.  That toxic person wants to get you into their web.  Part of being a toxic person is knowing how to get under your skin.  They know how to get to you.  The way to avoid that door is simply to identify the door.  Many of us haven’t even taken the time to identify why is it that that person gets to me so much.  They open up the door and many of us foolishly and blindly walk through it. 

Let me give you some examples.  They open the door by attacking you because they know you’ll respond back.  They open the door by arguing so that you’ll want to jump in and debate their stupidity.  They open the door with gossip because they know you’ll walk through because you’ll want to listen and you’ll want to add your tidbit to it. 

The Bible says in Proverbs 4 “Do not do as the wicked do or follow the path of evil doers.  Avoid their haunts.  Turn away and go somewhere else, for evil people cannot sleep until they’ve done their evil deed for the day.  They cannot rest until they’ve caused someone to stumble.”  Then specifically in Proverbs 1 “My child if sinners entice you, turn your back on them.”  Don’t go through the door.   Walk away from the door.  Turn your back. 

Here’s the key.  The only way you’ll know what door is open is when you ask for wisdom.  Because when you have that unusual insight then all of a sudden it’s very obvious what the door is.  It’s very obvious ­­what the trap is.  It’s a lot easier to avoid that toxic person when you ask for wisdom.

Then the last action I want to give you and this is a biggie.  It’s tough.  I want to encourage you in the marketplace to learn to use the words that build people up. 

Use the words that build up.  There is life in the words that you use.  There is so much in the book of Proverbs about the words that you use.  The language.  I gave you many verses on your outline for you to study on your own.  There’s so much there.  But I’m asking you to do something very radical.  I’m asking you to counter a toxic person with kindness expressed verbally.  Use words that build up rather than words that tear down. 

You might be thinking of that toxic person going, “Frank! you’re out of your mind.  You’re insane.  I could never do that.”

Here’s my response: You’re right.  You can’t do that.  Not on your own power anyway.  That’s where you need God’s power.  Where you have God’s presence you have His power and you have access to His wisdom.  You can be infused with God’s wisdom.

The bottom line when it comes to working with toxic people is this: it all comes down to love.  What’s one of the great ways to express love?  With your words.  To heal some of the brokenness in that toxic person’s life.  Don’t expect it back.  But you can begin a healing process in their life.  God may be using you to bring healing to that person. 

Proverbs 12:6 “The words of the wicked are like a murderous ambush, but the words of the godly save lives.”  Can you imagine that?  That God might use you and your words to really save somebody’s life.  To save them from their own sin. 

We can’t control others.  We can’t change others.  But we can control our actions.  We can change our words.  So for example, in the marketplace if someone is engaging you and attacks you and they open the door you want to attack back.  Proverbs 15 says “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but harsh words stir up anger.”  So you respond in a gentle way. 

Proverbs 26 “When arguing with a fool, don’t answer their foolish arguments, or you become as foolish as they are.”  There’s so much advice of how to use our words.  Friends, I’m not new.  And I’m not naïve to think that if you go into the marketplace and use words that build up that that’s going to solve everything in a toxic environment.  But I believe with all of my heart that with God’s presence in your life and His power and your access to His wisdom that you can choose words that will be life giving.  It may not happen after the first or the fifth or the hundredth.  But after a while God will use those words to bring healing. 

What I’ve learned I’ve got to do is I’ve got to ask God for His wisdom.  If I don’t have God’s wisdom and somebody attacks me and says something verbally mean to me what do I want to do?  I want to verbally attack back.  That comes very naturally.  But that’s not what I want.  I want what comes supernaturally.  Based on God’s presence and His power.  So I’ve got to make a conscious choice.  I’ve got to choose words that compliment instead of criticize.  Words that build up instead of tear down.  Words that reconcile instead of retaliate.  I’ve got to choose words of honesty instead of words of deception. 

You think this is easy?  No way.  But if you’re a follower of Jesus Christ, God’s ways are not easy.  That was never a promise.  He didn’t say, Give Me your life.  Give Me total control of your life and I’ll make it easy for you.  That wasn’t His promise.  But His way is right.  And it leads to life.

We have an example of this.  Jesus.  Think about this.  As Jesus hung on the cross He was in a toxic environment.  He was mocked by all the people who were there.  He was beaten by the soldiers there.  When Jesus asked for water, they jammed a sponge in vinegar and crammed it in His mouth.  It was quite possibly the most toxic scene in history to an undeserving person.  Jesus didn’t respond in the way that you would expect.  He didn’t curse them.  He didn’t damn them to hell for their behavior.  Instead He raised His eyes to heaven and He said, “God, they’re so lost.  They’re so lost and confused.  Forgive them for they don’t know what they’re doing.”

Was that radical?  Absolutely it’s radical.  But it’s an image for us to follow.

If you’re a Christian, what does it mean to be a Christian?  Christ’s one.  What’s the goal of being Christ’s one?  It’s to become more like Christ.  Is it easy?  No.  But we have an image of Jesus. 

Think about this.  What are your options?  When you go to the marketplace tomorrow, what are your options? 

         Option one, I can continue to suffer.  I can continue to be impacted by toxic people, and then go effect other people.

         Or, I can make some changes.  I can realize there’s bigger issues.  I can ask for God’s wisdom.  I can avoid those open doors that I foolishly walk through and I can choose words that might bring hope and healing and life.  That’s the wiser option. 

Here’s the one nugget to send you home with that I really want you to remember: Wisdom at work requires wisdom at work in me.  If I’m going to be wise at work I’m going to need God’s wisdom at work in me. 

You can’t control others.  You can only control your options. 

If you’ve never done this before you can give up control of your whole life to God who wants total control.  Who wants to forgive you of your sins.  Who wants to invade your life with His presence and with His presence comes His power, which makes His wisdom totally accessible.  Can you even imagine what your life might look like if you went into the marketplace with God’s wisdom at work in you?  There would be more peace, less turmoil.  Can you image it?  I can.  Let’s pray for that.

Prayer:

      God, if we could do what we’ve talked about on our own power we would have already done it.  But we can’t.  So we need Your help.  Right now we ask for wisdom that is so much greater than our own.  We thank You that that wisdom is accessible to us.  We thank You that You love us enough not to want us to live in misery but to live a different life.  And to live a different life that might display Your presence in our life.  God, I pray that as these people from Forest Grove enter the marketplace tomorrow, that they would enter the marketplace with wisdom because wisdom has been at work in their lives. 

God, thank You for Your love for us.  That You love us not based on where we work.  You love us not based on how much money we have.  You love us not based on what we’ve done in the past.  But You love us because You created us and You want a relationship with us.  Thank You that You have forgiven us of our sins so we can be set right with You.  Now we want to live that different life.  We pray in the name of Jesus.  Amen.