5-20-12 Sermon, "Diffusing Conflict in Relationship"

To listen to this sermon, click here. See below for transcript

DIFFUSING CONFLICT IN RELATIONSHIPS

            Living God's Way -- Part 6

            I Peter 3:8-11  05-20-12 Sermon

           

One of the things you see when you look around creation is that God loves diversity.  We're all different.  None of us is alike.  God could have made us all alike but He didn't.  What's more interesting to me is that opposites often marry.  Before you got married all you could see was how much you had in common with that person.  After you got married it's a whole different story. All you could see was how much you didn't have in common with that person.  They say that opposites attract.  But after marriage sometimes opposites attack.  All those things you thought were so cute when you were going together really get on your nerves now.

The Bible says and Peter tells us God says, "I want you to get along.  I made you differently but I want you to get along."  V. 8:  "Live in harmony with each other".  Fortunately, Peter tells us exactly how to do that.  He gives us six secrets, ingredients, attitudes.  He says "If you build these into your life you will find the conflict in your relationships being dramatically reduced."  If you live around people for any length of time you're going to have conflicts.  Peter says if you will just do these six things, if you'll just build these six attitudes into your life, you will find dramatic improvement in your relationships -- with your husband or with your wife, with your children, with your parents, with your employers, friends.  He says do these things to reduce conflict. 

1.  SYMPATHY.  Peter says in V. 8:  "Be sympathetic."

What does it mean to be sympathetic?  To sympathize simply means to understand and validate or affirm someone's feelings, not their ideas, but their feelings.  When you're sensitive to their feelings, you don't belittle them, put them down, or say "You shouldn't feel that way".   When you validate somebody else's feelings you're being sympathetic. 

Sympathy does two things.  It meets two basic human needs.

      1.  All of us have a need to be understood.  You want somebody to understand you in life.

      2.  All of us have a need to feel like our feelings are OK.  We want somebody to validate them.  "Am I weird?  Am I Crazy?  Does anybody else feel this way?"  When you find somebody who is sympathetic with you, it not only says, "I understand" but it says "I validate your feelings".  I may not feel that way but I validate your feelings.  It's not a matter of right or wrong.

Peter says that's the first building block, the first step in diffusing conflict.  Understand where people are coming from.  Understand their background. Understand their temperament.  Understand the circumstances that have shaped them.  When you do that you'll learn to be sympathetic.

How do I become sympathetic?  Use your ears more than your mouth.  Learn to listen.  When you learn to listen you will automatically become sympathetic with the feelings of your mate or whoever.  Listening says "I care".  When you listen to somebody you're giving them one of the greatest gifts saying, "You matter to me.  You're valuable.  What you're saying is valuable."  Listening says "I care about you."  People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care. 

James 1:19 "Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry."  If you do the first two, the third one is automatic.  If you're quick to listen and slow to speak you will become slow to anger.  The problem is we're usually so busy being quick to speak, we're so busy trying to get our opinion across, we so want them to understand us, that we often miss what they're saying. 

Steven Colby wrote a book The Seven Habits of Successful People.  One of the habits he said was "Seek to understand before seeking to be understood."  The Bible calls that wisdom.  The Bible says understanding gives a man patience.  If I understand why you do what you do, if I'm sympathetic to you, if I understand that, then I'm going to cut you some slack.  It's easy for me to be more accepting, more accommodating, when I know why you do what you do. 

The Bible tells us that there are two particular areas where you need to be sympathetic to people that you care about.  "We must bear the burdens of being considerate of the doubts and fears of others"  That's where you start resolving conflict, being sympathetic and considerate of the doubts and fears of others. 

One of the reasons we have so much conflict is that we don't validate people's background.  We don't give it any credence and we don't understand what they're saying and what they're doing is based on a whole history.  Sympathy is simply saying "I validate your feelings."  I understand them.  I may not feel that way, but I don't belittle them, don't downgrade them, don't make fun of them, don’t ridicule their feelings, their grief, their emotions, their doubts, their fears. 

That is the first building block in reducing conflict.  Because when you don't validate my feelings we have a problem. 

How would you rate yourself on sympathy?  How would your spouse rate you on sympathy?  If your spouse would say, "My husband/wife is always understanding"  give yourself a 9.  If your spouse would say, "My husband/wife ignores my feelings," give yourself a 1.  If your spouse would say, "My husband/wife ridicules my feelings" give yourself a -10.

2.  LOYALTY

"Brotherly love"  -- Peter says being committed to the relationship, we act like we're on the same team, we're in the same family, we're in this together.  We don't compete with each other.  We complement each other.  We cooperate with each other.

We recognized today people who have demonstrated their loyalty to this church for 25 years or more.  Some of our members made a commitment to this church 25 or more years ago to support it with their prayers, their attendance, their financial gifts and their service.  They committed themselves to the other people of this church—that’s loyalty.

Loyalty is a very important ingredient in reducing conflict in relationships.  When I get irritated with my wife or kids or anybody or when I'm angry or upset with somebody it's very simple to all of a sudden start focusing on the problem and forget the value of the relationship.  Pretty soon you start seeing yourselves as enemies.  They're not the enemy.  You love them, you're married to them, they're a friend, a parent, or whatever.  You're on the same team.  Loyalty says, "Let's stop attacking each other and let's attack the problem together."  It's a subtle shift in the way you look at the problem.  Instead of saying "I'm going to work on fixing the blame, let's fix the problem.  It's our problem.  What can we do together?"  Rather than seeing the person as the enemy... It's good to say during an argument, "Hey, we're on the same team.  How can we work on this problem, together?"  That's brotherly love.  It's commitment.

Romans 12:10 "Be devoted to one another in brotherly love."  Devoted doesn't mean that you agree on everything.  You don’t.  It means you're loyal.  It's like brothers.  If you had bothers and sisters growing up you know that with them you probably fought like cats and dogs but if somebody were to attack your brother or sister then you'd get very defensive and you'd defend them.  That's family loyalty. 

Loyalty.  We're in this together.  Loyalty is another word for commitment.  It means I may differ with you, I may be irritated with you, I may be angry and upset and totally disagreeing with what you think, but don't let there be any doubt I'm committed to this relationship; I'm not walking out on it no matter how bad it gets. 

It’s OK if your children see you arguing, but they also need to see you resolve it so that they don't think these things just go on and on.  An argument can plant seeds of doubt in kids' minds about your commitment to each other and you will have some repair work to do.  Set them down and say, "Sometimes I get really upset with your mother, sometimes she can get really upset with me.  But don't let there be any doubt in your mind that we are committed to each other.  Divorce is not an option with us."  One of the major fears kids have today is that their parents are going to divorce.  It's happening to all their friends. 

Peter says, "If you love someone you'll be loyal to them no matter what the cost." 

Part of loyalty is accepting each other's differences.  Romans 15:7 "Accept one another just as Christ accepted you."  Acceptance doesn't mean I approve of everything you do but it means my love for you is not dependent upon you changing.  If you've been married any length of time have you figured out yet that there are a lot of things in your spouse that are probably never going to change.  If you say "I'll love you if..."  Forget it, that's not real love.  That's conditional love.  Acceptance says, "I've got faults, you've got faults.  But you're a good egg even if you are a little cracked."  You make allowances for each other.  That's loyalty.  We're all flaky sometimes.  We all act like flakes depending on the time of the day or week or month.

Rate yourself on Loyalty from one to nine.

3.    The third secret to diffusing conflict in relationships is GENEROSITY or COMPASSION.

Colossians 3:12 "Clothe yourselves with compassion."  Compassion is really defined as love in action.  If sympathy is understanding someone's feelings, compassion takes it one step further and demonstrates it in action.  What can I do to help you?  There are two ways, primarily, that we show compassion or generosity in relationships.

First is by what we say to other people.  Ephesians 4:29 "Speak what is helpful for building others up according to their needs that it may benefit those who listen."  Does that characterize your speech?  Words that build up each other?  Words that make the other person feel good, that meets their needs?  Or is your talk a little more toxic, filled with bombs and verbal arrows that destroy.  The Bible says that we can show compassion by the words that we say to each other.  Part of that is choosing the right time and place to say things that might be a little hard to say.  Showing compassion in what we say and the way we say it is part of diffusing conflict. 

The other way is by how we act toward each other, the things that we actually do.  I John 3:18 "My children, we should love people, not only with words and talk but by our actions and true caring."  Compassion is saying with your actions, "How can I make life easier for you?  What can I do that will make your life a little bit easier?"

How would you rate yourself on compassion and generosity?  Would the people closest to you say that you're a very giving person?  Give yourself a "1" if your favorite phrase is "How can you make life easier for me?" and give yourself a "9" if you're constantly looking for ways to make life easier for the people you love.

4.  The fourth secret to diffusing conflict in relationships is HUMILITY

I Corinthians says that "Love is not proud".  We learned very quickly that every time we get into a conflict pride is involved some way.  Somewhere there is pride and stubbornness.  Prov. 13:10 "Pride only leads to arguments". 

Maybe your house is inhabited by some very tough people, very stubborn, very self-willed, and sometimes when you get into a conflict you can be staring at each other from across the room with this "I'm not going to make a move here" attitude.  As long as you have that kind of prideful, stubborn attitude there is no resolution, no harmony.  As soon as one of you is willing to be humble and be willing to soften our own hearts, suddenly God can begin to work. 

What is humility?  It is being honest about my weaknesses, my needs, my failures.  It's not assuming that I know it all or understand everything that you're saying.  It's being willing to admit a mistake.  If I'm humble I can say those four very difficult words, "I need your help."  Those are hard words to say, especially in our culture.  To admit to someone else that you need their help, to be vulnerable, to take that kind of risk?  That doesn't come easily to us.  The Bible tells us that "We are to bear each other's burdens."  How can I bear his burdens if he doesn't tell me what they are?  How can he bear mine if I do not share with him what it is that I'm struggling with?  Saying those words, "I need your help", takes humility.

It also enables us to say the three difficult words, "I was wrong".  Those words, at least for me, kind of stick in my throat.  They are so hard to swallow, like trying to swallow dry bread.  Prov. 28:13 "Anyone who refuses to admit his mistakes can never be successful, but if he confesses and forsakes them, he gets another chance." 

Humility is also being able to say those two very hard words, "Forgive me."  Sometimes they stick just as much as "I was wrong".  But they're a little easier to say when I remember that God graced my life and because He has forgiven me, I can offer forgiveness and even say, "I'm sorry.  I was wrong."  I can stop demanding perfection.  Perfection is not going to be in your relationships.  Know that God has worked in your life and you can admit that you were wrong.

How do you rate on humility?  Do you find it difficult to back down?  Do you back other people into corners?  How easy is it for you to admit that you were wrong and ask forgiveness?  Give yourself a "1" if the words "I was wrong" have never passed your lips since 1962.  Give yourself a "9" if you can easily ask for help and admit wrong.

5. The fifth secret to diffusing conflict in relationships is MERCY

I Peter 3:9 "Never pay back one wrong with another or pay an angry word with another one.  Instead pay back with a blessing, so that you inherit a blessing yourself."

Definition of mercy:  Mercy is giving more kindness than justice demands.  We hurt each other deeply lots of times.  Because of that massive doses of mercy are required to get back on track again.  When you've been hurt deeply, there is all this emotional energy that's stirred up.  I have the choice to either use that emotional energy for retaliation, sticking him or her real good or I can use that energy for resolution.  This verse says pay back a curse with a blessing.  How do you pay back a blessing when someone's hurling angry words at you?  How do you give them back a blessing? 

I haven’t mastered this, and I'm not always successful, but my attempt right now, is in those situations is to pray, and say "God, I don't want to give mercy to him.  I want to smack him up side of the head.  I want to walk out of this room.  I want to throw things.  I want to do anything but offer mercy.  Would you give me calm not inflammatory words -- calm words, to be able to talk this through?"  I have to remember that God's way is different than man's way.  The world's way is get even, isn't it?  But God's way is this, Colossians 3:13 "Remember the Lord forgave you so you must forgive others."  That means all the millions of little things and all the really big things.  You're never going to have to forgive someone more than God has already forgiven you."  So give mercy.  Forgive.

I Cor. 13:5 "Love keeps no record of wrongs."  Some of you may not only keep a record of wrongs, you've got a whole closet in your mental house and every wrong that your spouse, or parent, or child has done to you has been catalogued, categorized, thereby named, ready to pull out at the right moment and hurl it into that argument. 

One man said, when we argue my wife gets historical.  The other guy said, you mean “Hysterical.”  The first one said, No, I mean historical.  She brings up everything I ever did wrong in the past.

That's not God's way.  If you're going to call yourself a Christian you have to learn to forgive, to offer mercy, as God has forgiven you. 

The thing about forgiveness is it's not just this one time lesson.  Forgiveness is something you learn over and over and over...  As the Bible says seventy times seven, forgiveness is something you keep learning and keep offering.

How do you rate yourself on mercy?  Are you quick to forgive?  Do you stockpile hurts?  Stockpile ammo to attack each other?  Give yourself a "1" if you keep a scorecard.  Give yourself a "9" if you're quick to offer forgiveness, quick to let go of grudges. 

The last secret of diffusing conflict.  6.  MATURITY

When you grow up in the Lord, as you grow, you find your conflicts going down, because maturity is one of the six secrets. 

What is maturity?  The signs of aging are not the same as the signs of maturing.  You can grow old without growing up.  So how do you know if you're mature or not.  In the book of James he says that the mark of maturity, emotional and spiritual maturity, is the ability to master your mouth, to watch your words, to control your tongue.  He says that's the mark of maturity.  In this passage, Peter says the exact same thing.  You can judge a person's maturity by how they manage their mouth. 

v. 10:  "If you want a happy, good life keep control of your tongue and guard your lips from telling lies.  Live in peace." The way to live in peace is to watch your words, to muzzle your mouth, to control your reactions.  How many times have you said things that only made the matters worse and took a long time to get over?  And how many times have you said things that you wished you could take back? 

Proverbs 12:18 "Thoughtless words can wound as deeply as any sword but wisely spoken words can heal."  You know the old rhyme "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me" is not true.  In fact names hurt more than sticks and stones.  You might break a bone and it will heal in six weeks, six months.  But some of you are still holding on to hurt from things that were said 30 years ago.  Emotional hurts take longer to heal than physical hurts.  Your words have the power in your relationship to build up or tear down, to delight or to destroy, to encourage or discourage.  You can either support and supplement and compliment and help or you can damage and destroy and ruin a relationship by your words. You need to say "God, put a muzzle on my mouth because I don't want to destroy something good and precious by the way I talk." 

How do you rate yourself on this sixth attitude, your ability to control your mouth?  Give yourself a one to nine on that.

Actually, all six of these attitudes are marks of maturity.  Maturity is when your concern for others is greater than your concern for yourself.  How do you know when you're mature emotionally?  When your concern for others is greater than your concern for yourself.  The more selfish you are, the more immature you are.  The more mature you are the more unselfish you are. 

God made us all differently and He did it on purpose.  No single one of us has the total picture and perspective on life.  That's because we need each other.  God made it that way.  As much as you'd like to think that you've got it all figured out, you don't.  And neither do I.  So God puts different parts of His truth in different personalities.  God wants to use our differences to enrich us, rather than to divide us.  It will enrich you if you practice these six attitudes.

5-13-12 Sermon

I am sorry that this sermon did not get recorded. Please see the manuscript below:

HOW TO BE UNSELFISH
Living God's Way -- Part 5

          

           

1 Peter 3            The Message (MSG)

Cultivate Inner Beauty

 ^1-4The same goes for you wives: Be good wives to your husbands, responsive to their needs. There are husbands who, indifferent as they are to any words about God, will be captivated by your life of holy beauty. What matters is not your outer appearance—the styling of your hair, the jewelry you wear, the cut of your clothes—but your inner disposition.

 ^4-6Cultivate inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in. The holy women of old were beautiful before God that way, and were good, loyal wives to their husbands. Sarah, for instance, taking care of Abraham, would address him as "my dear husband." You'll be true daughters of Sarah if you do the same, unanxious and unintimidated.

 ⁷The same goes for you husbands: Be good husbands to your wives. Honor them, delight in them. As women they lack some of your advantages. But in the new life of God's grace, you're equals. Treat your wives, then, as equals so your prayers don't run aground.

We're going to take a look at relationships today and I thought a fun way to start that would be to have you think of your relationships in terms of an Olympic event.  Then I started to think that through a little bit and remembered that most events in the Winter Olympics started at the top of a hill and go downhill very rapidly.  No, that's not a good picture for relationships.

On the other hand, what if they gave gold medals for great relationships?  What would it take to get one of those?  What if for having a great relationship, a great marriage, being a great parent or a great friend you're going to stand up on one of those platforms, they'll play an anthem and you'll have a medal around your neck because you did something to make a relationship great?  They talk about a single quality for Olympic athletics as being the quality of dedication, if they're going to earn a gold medal after years and years of practice.  We're going to talk about an important single quality for relationships.

The quality that's talked about in I Peter is a quality that's called submission. 

When you hear that word is your first feeling positive or negative?  I thought I'd take a look at some of the positive meanings that are used today for that word.  But I knew I was in trouble when I began looking down the list of definitions.  I saw words like " back down, bend to another person's will; comply; cower; crawl; cringe; give in; live a dog's life."  Not one positive phrase. 

This word submission suffers from an image problem.  A word that used to have a more positive slant to it when the New Testament was written, today has taken on an almost entirely negative slant. 

But whenever you see this word in the Bible, here’s a Definition of SUBMISSION:  having the courage to give up my rights to meet another person's needs.  That attitude deserves a gold medal. 

This ability to be unselfish in our relationships is one of the main ingredients to learning to live God's way.  There are three basic ways to live life:  My way,          God's Way, Other's Way

I can live life Other's Way doing what they say and because I want to make them happy; I'm just doing it because I have to; In that case I'm subjected, down under them, controlled by them.

Or I can live life My Way doing what I want because I want to.  That means I'm up above everybody else, trying to be the best.  That’s selfish and self-centered.

In the New Testament, Peter says, neither of these are what works.  Do it God's way—submission.

My way is being a tiger, I claw my way to the top.  Other's way is being a turtle, I hide in my shell and just let people throw things at me and slowly poke my way through life.  My way and Others' way -- neither of them work.  A lot of you may think that submission is doing it Other's way and it's not.  Not at all.  Other's way means that you're a doormat.  You let other people walk over you and whatever they want is what happens.  That doesn't work.  But neither does it work for you to become a tank and run over everybody else.  It's something in between called submission.  A word we use today is unselfishness.  Learning to be unselfish in our relationships.

Peter talks about two very basic things about unselfishness:  Why we should be unselfish, and How can we be unselfish.  Why and How.

I.  WHY SHOULD I BE UNSELFISH

For some, selfishness may be working out just fine.  "I'm getting my way and things are going OK.  Why should I be unselfish?"  For others of us we're not so sure about being unselfish, especially us being unselfish first.  Let somebody else take the first turn in this.  (That would be the unselfish thing to do, wouldn't it?) 

A mother wanted to teach her two boys something about unselfishness.  There was one piece of cake left and both boys wanted it.  Figuring that the older boy would catch on better she asked him “What do you think Jesus would do with the piece of cake?  The older boy said, “He would let the other person have it.”  Then he said to his younger brother, “I will let you be Jesus.”

Peter gives three powerful reasons for us being unselfish in our lives:

1.  Be unselfish because selfishness is the source of conflict. 

James writes:  "Do you know where your fights and arguments come from?  They come from the selfish desires that war within you."  It's the source of conflict in most homes.  You take the arguments, the conflicts, and boil them all down, and at the root of any of them, you'll find that someone, somewhere, somehow is being selfish.  Of course in your arguments it's always the other person being selfish, but somewhere someone is being selfish.  In order to bring a new sense of peace to your home, your relationships, this key to unselfishness can make a difference.  It can help you find some common ground in the battle ground that your home may have become. 

2.  Because unselfishness is the secret to change.  

Peter writes to wives and encourages them, "Be unselfish so that if your husbands don't believe the word they may be won over, they may be changed, without words by the behavior of their wives."  Change is important in any relationship.  It's natural, it's healthy to want to change in our relationships.  That's what growth is all about.  Even if you've got a great relationship, you should want it to change and develop.  If you're really struggling in your relationship, of course you're desperate for change to begin to happen. 

HOW do we make change happen?  How many of you have tried to push or argue somebody into making a change?  How many of you have found that that does not work?  What does work to help people to change?

Unselfishness.  It is the most powerful tool that we have at our disposal to encourage other people to grow and to change.  Jesus Christ was the most unselfish person who ever walked the face of this earth.  He gave His life unselfishly for others.  Look at how many people He's changed. 

In your own life, who's had the most impact on you when it comes to change in your life? Selfish people?  Of course not.  It's been people who have acted unselfishly towards you, people who have helped you to grow and to change.  Unselfishness is the secret to change.

Peter sort of assumes something that is important.  He assumes that these two people are going to stay together and work towards change.  Even though one has become a believer and the other isn't.  They are sort of incompatible in some ways.  This comes to a question I'm often asked about change and relationships and making a relationship work especially for one who has become a believer a little bit later in life.  There's a feeling that "When I got married I really wasn't seeking God's will so I'm really wondering now if the person I'm married to is really the person who is God's will for my life.  Maybe somehow I missed God's will for my life." 

There's this feeling that I made a wrong turn somewhere in my life and I missed that person who was God's will for my life.  The answer to that question is that the person that you're married to now is God's will for your life.  The Bible says that when we become married we become one flesh and God takes that very, very seriously.  God's will is that we work to change, develop and grow where we are.  The bible gives some exceptions, but in most cases, this is God’s will.

3.  A third reason why we should be unselfish is that selfishness short circuits prayer.  

I Peter 3:7 "Do this so that nothing will stop your prayers."  The way that I act towards others affects my relationship to God.  You can do it your way, using your selfish energy or you can do it God's way, depending upon His boundless energy.  Selfishness at its very core says "I'm depending on myself."  That's what selfishness is all about.  Prayer at its very core is saying, "I'm depending on God."  Obviously selfishness short-circuits the power of prayer in our life.  It's a matter of who we're depending on.  It's one thing to say that unselfishness is a good idea, we teach our kids that.  But it's another thing to be unselfishness.  It's a struggle.  If I'm going to be unselfishness or you're going to be unselfishness there's this tug-of-war that's going on inside.  Like the two little boys—am I going to be Jesus in this situation or are you going to be Jesus?

As you look through this passage and other passages in the Bible about relationships and what makes them work, here are three real simple areas of advice about beginning to develop this thing of unselfishness from a fellow struggler.

II.  HOW CAN I BE UNSELFISH?  1.  Understanding.  2.  Respect.  3.  Sacrifice. 

1.  Understanding:  Consider other's needs. 

I Peter 3:7  "In the same way, you husbands should live with your wives in an understanding way..."  The word "understanding" doesn't just mean be kind.  It literally means, "to live together according to knowledge."  To get to know the other person. Unselfishness begins when you and I ask "What do they need?"  This is to be a part of all our relationships, this attitude of considering the other person’s needs.

Phil. 4:5 "Let everyone see that you are unselfish and considerate in all that you do."  "Everyone", "unselfish" and "considerate" -- those are attitudes that are supposed to be a part of every relationship in our lives. 

How?  How do you start to care more about the needs of other people?  In order to do this you have to develop a very important skill.  The skill is called listening.  When you and I begin to learn to listen we develop this skill of caring for other people's needs.

Three bits of advice about developing the skill of listening:

1. You have to be willing to work at it.  Listening doesn't come naturally for anybody.  There's nobody who's naturally a good listener.  We all naturally care more about what we're thinking and what we want to say than what they're saying.  If you're going to be a good listener you have to work at it.  I've found that often the times when it's most important for me to listen are when I least feel like listening. 

2. Let them tell it their way.  If you're going to be a good listener you have to let them tell it their way.  Sometimes the other person wants to tell the story and we are thinking "What's the point?"  But as soon as we hear the point we stop listening to the story.  We need to learn to let them tell it their way.  That's the way that makes most sense to them and that's the way we can hear their feelings and what's important to them and what they need.  Let them tell it their way.  It's important with children too.  If you're a person who always finishes another person's sentences, this is something you need to work on.

3. Make eye contact when you listen.  This says "I am listening to you.  You are important to me."  Make eye contact.

Developing the skill of listening will make you into the kind of person that will begin to care more about the needs of others.  If you can really hear what they're saying then you can hear their needs and you can begin to consider them.

2.  Respect means Honoring Other People's Value. 

I Peter 3:7, Peter writes to husbands and says, "Show them [your wives] respect because God gives them the same blessing that He gives to you."  In Ephesians 5, a parallel passage, to wives "Show your husbands respect." Respect is a reciprocal thing -- the ability to see and honor the value of somebody else.  If I know somebody's needs I'm not going to begin to meet their needs unless I value that individual as a person. 

Phil. 2:3 "When you do these things don't let selfishness or pride be your guide.  Instead be humble and give more honor to others than to yourselves.”  This does not say not to honor yourself.  It doesn't say to pretend that you aren't valuable or that you don't have needs.  It just says to give more honor to others.  It's not talking about thinking less of yourself but thinking of yourself less and begin to appreciate other people more.  We use the word appreciate when it comes to financial things to mean something that goes up in value.  We need to do that with people, appreciate them, to raise their value in our eyes.  Take time to appreciate people.  Give more honor to them than to yourself.  Recognize that their needs are as important as yours and honor that value.

3.  Sacrifice:  The Willingness to Act on Another's Behalf. 

There's a huge difference between unselfish words and unselfish actions.  It's easy to talk, to plan unselfish things, but unselfish action involves sacrifice.

I John 3:18 "Let us stop just saying we love people; let us really love them, and show it by our actions."  This is where most of us struggle.  It's easy to say "I want to meet your needs."  It's easy to say "I value you and I love you deeply with all my heart."  That makes us feel good.  Sacrificial talk makes us feel good.  It's sacrificial actions that scare us to death. 

We're sort of like this when it comes to sacrifice.  We say "I love you enough to die for you, just don't make me give up my golf game."  But that's where sacrifice really works -- the little things.  In relationships that work there are hundreds of little sacrifices, a few major ones maybe, but hundreds of little ones daily.

I Cor. 13:5 says "Love does not demand its own way."  It makes sacrifices.  The challenge is not to be ready for the one big sacrifice you may have to be ready to make someday in a relationship.  The challenge is to constantly make the little ones.

For many of you this could be a real turning point in your relationship with somebody you've been struggling with for a long time.  For some of you this is going to be a turning point eternally in your relationship with Jesus Christ, the One who loves you the most. 

But if that's to happen, there is something you're going to have to learn to let go of.  To be unselfish you must let go of your fear.  It's scary to be unselfish.  The fear is "If I'm unselfish, they might take advantage of me.  If I'm unselfish, it's not just that I'm giving myself, I might lose myself."  How do you find the strength to get past that fear of being unselfish, that barrier?

I John 4:18 "We need have no fear of someone who loves us perfectly; His perfect love for us eliminates all dread of what He might do to us."  In order to overcome fear of selfishness and unselfishness in your relationships all you have to do is find somebody who will love you perfectly. 

And you know what?  Someone already does love you perfectly.  His name is Jesus Christ.  I've found that His perfect love for me builds a foundation of strength and security in my life that enables me to begin to love other people unselfishly. 

Let us Pray:  You might pray this prayer in your heart--Jesus, I pray that your attitude of unselfishness would be expressed in my relationship with ____________________.  Thank you for your unselfish love for me! I accept Your love for me and pray that You would help me to learn to live Your way in my relationships. 

I Pet. 1:22 "Now you can have real love for everyone because your souls have been cleansed from selfishness and hatred when you trusted Christ to save you; so see to it that you really do love one another warmly, with all your hearts." 

God has given us a new strength and power to love people in a new way we never could have before.  Let's look to His strength and power.

5-6-12 Sermon

To listen to the sermon from May 6, 2012, click here.

I'm sorry the manuscript is not available.